Surviving the Medical Marriage by Kristen Math
As we prepare for my husband to finish residency and move on to fellowship, I am trying to soak up every last memory that I can. I find myself wanting to memorize the landscape. I relish the conversations with friends and have bought more in the last two weeks (when I am trying to get rid of stuff to move) than I have in three years. Saying goodbye to friends leaves me choking back unexpected tears. Nostalgia is winning.
What a paradox, when you consider how miserable I was my first year here. If anyone had told me that I would be leaving Danville kicking and screaming I would have had a good laugh. I would like to share with you some of the things that helped me along the way.
1. Get involved.
I can’t emphasize this enough. The auxiliary is an excellent place to meet people from all walks of life. All of the spouses are working through adjustments like yours, so it is easy to find an understanding ear.
2. Join a Playgroup.
If you have made the choice to stay at home with your children then you know how wonderful and stressful this can be. Joining a playgroup is the perfect way to meet other stay-at-home moms.
3. Create a niche for yourself.
One of the things that I found difficult during my husband’s residency is that the focus seemed to be completely on the resident and their life and accomplishments. I sometimes found myself feeling envious and resentful. We make a lot of sacrifices for our spouses to attain their goals and sometimes it can be frustrating. I decided to go back to school part-time. This gave me something important that I was doing for myself. It really helped to bring me out of a slump and give me some direction.
4. Communicate.
Talk, talk, talk to your spouse about how they are doing with their residency and any problems or feelings that you are having. This is a stressful time for both of you and working through it together will help keep your relationship strong.
5. Go out together.
Make time to go out alone with your spouse when they are doing an “easy” rotation. Hire a babysitter if you need one, but take time out for yourselves.
6. Go out on your own.
This was a hard one for me. Initially, I found that I wanted to spend any moment where my husband was home with him. What ended up happening is that I would wait for him to get home and then expect to spend quality time with him. He was tired and needed some downtime (especially if he was post-call) and I ended up disappointed. Establishing a group of friends that I could go to the movies with or going to an auxiliary meeting once a month gave me time to get out and enjoy being with people. I felt more fulfilled and was less needy when my husband arrived home exhausted and heading for the bed.
7. Speaking of the bed…
Don’t forget to nurture your relationship with your spouse there. Enough said.
8. Co-op with a friend.
I found it difficult to find a sitter form my children when I had an appointment or an errand to run. A friend and I came up with a wonderful child-swapping solution–you watch mine, I’ll watch yours. It worked out great and it was free! The best part of all, was knowing that my children were with someone that I trusted.
9. Budget.
If you are trying to get by on one salary, it can be tough! Try and set a small amount aside each month to buy something fun for the house or for yourselves. It is nice to treat yourself, even if all you can afford that month is a meal at McDonalds.
10. Explore the community.
There really are a lot of things out there for families to do together. Look in the local papers and the auxiliary newsletter, or ask around.
You are going through a tough transition now, but before you know it, residency will be coming to an end. I don’t even know where the time has gone. It seems like yesterday that we arrived here anxious to begin. Now we are saying our goodbyes and moving on. Good luck to you all and enjoy the time.
