His Brilliant Career — Will it always outshine yours? by K Math

This weekend, my husband and I went out for a rare dinner alone. As luck would have it, we ran into one of his patients while waiting to be seated. “Your husband walks on water”, the woman declared to me. “You must be very special for him to have picked you”.

I let the comment sink in. To say that I was amused is an understatement. It took every ounce of self-control that I have not to laugh out loud. Yes, I thought sarcastically, how lucky I am that he….chose me.

My husband, of course, could speak of nothing else throughout the meal. Of course HE knows that he walks on water, but didn’t I realize that everyone else could see it too? Why couldn’t I see it? “Look…” I finally said. “Obviously the woman is dealing with some transference issues and doesn’t realize that you tear the little red tags from the dry cleaner’s off of all of your shirts and throw them on the floor in the closet for me to clean up. She isn’t around when you’re too busy reading your journals to spend time with the family… I bet she doesn’t realize that you put more effort into picking out your nurse’s birthday gift than your wife’s…besides that, you snore so loudly that you wake me up most nights.”

My criticisms hung in the air … suspended by my bitterness … Part of me wished that I could take it back, and yet, my words conveyed the frustration that I had been feeling about living in my husband’s shadow. It wasn’t the first time I had flown off the handle in a frenzy of resentment. This time though, my words had ripped through the smooth veneer of our romantic evening, leaving us both feeling a bit wounded.

Our interaction, as surprising as it may sound, was not unforeseen. The same types of discussions take place in the medical marriage more often than we are sometimes willing to admit. Being the spouse of a physician is challenging. Beyond dealing with the moving, single parenting and often feeling like you’re always coming in second place behind medicine, is the often covert (but sometimes blatant) judgment that there is no job more important, more demanding, or more essential than that of physician. “You don’t understand how hard I work”, “I’m exhausted. I worked all day saving lives”, “Sure, you’re tired, but I’m more tired because my job is more demanding” are just some of the comments that can be heard at the end of a busy day in many medical family households including my own. It can be hard to keep things in perspective, especially if you have given up your own career, are working hard to establish yourself in your own profession, or have chosen to embrace the calling of parenthood full-time. Keeping the peace in your home is as simple as recognizing two basic facts:

They are right.
They have a very demanding job. Diagnosing and treating sick people is stressful. The job is mentally and physically draining. In all reality, there are many days where what they did is more significant than the class we taught, the diapers we changed or that account that we finally landed. Medicine is about life and death in many cases.

I don’t know why it is so hard for me to acknowledge this. Even writing this paragraph elicits a visceral negative response from me. Perhaps my hesitation is due to the fact that recognizing the magnitude of the professional choices that my husband makes each day triggers my own feelings of inferiority. In the grand scheme of things, I also realize that my problems are insignificant.
How can I complain about not feeling fulfilled professionally when the young mother that he is treating is unlikely to survive the night?   How could I whine about having to cleaning the kitchen for the 4th time in one day when I realize that he has sat with the family of young man, explaining that he will not regain consciousness?

Acknowledging the significance of his contribution diminishes my own.

You are right.
Your job and your feelings are equally important. The decisions that you make each day may not provide the same cure for disease or treatment for a disorder, but it’s important not to minimize their value. Whether you are a stay-at-home parent, a nurse, a teacher, a lawyer or an artist; what you do matters. You may be busy each day providing for your children’s physical and emotional needs, comforting the sick, educating the nextgeneration of doctors or defending those who can not defend themselves. In addition, you are supporting your physician spouse so that they can continue to practice the best medicine possible. Your contribution to society and to your family is invaluable.

Ultimately, it is important is to remind ourselves that this isn’t a competition for who has the hardest job, or whose contribution to society is of greater consequence. Mutual respect of each other is vital to maintaining harmony in any relationship. If you feel your contribution is being discounted, communicating that is essential. Of course, you will want to use more tact and discretion than I did!

Fortunately, my husband was able to recognize the source of my own overreaction and our romantic evening was not a disaster.  After the waitress brought around the dessert tray and took our coffee orders, my husband reached across the table to me. “You are special…that’s why I chose you.  I am just lucky that you said yes”