Rebuilding After Residency by Kristen Math
It’s hard to believe that a year has almost passed since my husband finished his fellowship. The memories of those final two years seem worlds away from our life now, and yet occasionally, a song on the radio or a voice on the phone will unleash a flood of freshly buried memories and leave me feeling like we are still in the thick of things.
Rebuilding after training can be a challenging process, where you find yourselves taking two steps forward and one step back. It has taken our family a year to begin to recover, but we are well on the road to improvement. Here are ten steps to help you on your journey.
1. Bury The Hatchet: This is easier said than done, I know. Letting go of past hurts and refraining from bringing them up during arguments is the most difficult step, and yet it is vital in order to move on. During the training years there were times that my husband and I neglected or hurt each other and the challenge for us has really been to let these things go. Accept that you did the best that you could during those stressful years and celebrate your ability to survive the stress together. The hardest part is finally behind you.
2. Reconnect: After spending years focusing on the next rotation it shouldn’t come as any surprise that you may have times where you don’t feel as connected to your spouse. Try getting up early and having breakfast alone together, schedule date nights and a regular dinner hour. If you are struggling to connect emotionally, pull out your photo albums from long ago and share the memories together.
3. Gain Financial Control: The temptation is pretty great after training to indulge in new cars and homes. After years of struggling financially, there is a real feeling of entitlement that can follow. Be realistic about your salary after taxes and don’t over-commit yourselves.
4. Make A Training Scrapbook: Reframing your residency experiences psychologically is much easier once you are removed from the stress. Put a positive spin on these years by choosing pictures that evoke happy memories. Write a whimsical narrative to accompany the pages. This is something that you can go back to often, and though we all know that there is nothing funny about Q3 call~ Laughter IS the best medicine.
5. Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff: Richard Carlson has already devoted several books to this subject, but I thought I’d throw it in anyway. During training, everyone is living in a state of high alert. After residency and the boards, the stress will subside. It can be tempting to fall into a crisis creation mode. After all, you’ve been training for years to deal with an unending stream of stress. It has become “normal. Join a yoga class, sign up for Karate or take up knitting…just don’t sweat the small stuff.
6. Vacation Together: Most couples don’t have the opportunity to go on vacations during residency. As soon as possible, plan a vacation alone with your spouse. Leave the children with grandma, and rediscover each other. Don’t neglect a family vacation as well. The children need that time to reconnect and have fun as a family.
7. Establish Family Rituals: The training years aren’t the time for creating lasting rituals…at least not the kind that we want to hold onto. Even dinnertime in our home varied depending on my husband’s rotation and call schedule. Now is the time to start having special Sunday dinners, family meetings and game nights.
8. Rediscover Yourself: The last several years have been devoted to helping your spouse achieve their personal and professional goals. This may be a time where you begin to revisit your own career goals. Take time to rediscover who you are and what you want. Start a daily journal, visit a university career office and set aside time just for yourself to explore your thoughts and ideas.
9. Make NO Major Decisions: You read that right! The first year or two out of training should be devoted to recovery and rebuilding. Other than deciding on where to start your post-training lives, don’t make any major decisions. This includes career changes or decisions about your marriage. This should take all of the pressure off and will give you the gift of time.
10. Spice Things Up In The Bedroom: Let’s face it, for years we’ve only seen our spouse’s as they crawl home into bed in their scrubs. It’s time to spice things up a little. You know what works for you. Consider it a second honeymoon phase and get to know each other all over again. Give yourselves time to adjust to your new life post-training. If you find yourself feeling depressed or need some extra help getting through the adjustment, don’t hesitate to reach out for assistance. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists will help you find a counselor in your area specializing in marriage and family issues. Visit their website at Therapist Locator . It’s all uphill from here!
