The Glamorous Life of the Spouse of a Physician in Training by Susan Schild
OK. Just kidding. You are living it and you know that, at this point in time, glamorous is not the word. The not very glamorous aspects of your life might include:
- The loneliness and disorientation of moving to a new city for your spouse’s residency.
- The challenges of leaving a good job and scrambling to find a new one.
- Living on a meager income.
- Having a toddler, a new baby on the way, and a spouse with a tough call schedule.
- Having very little time with your spouse.
What you tell yourself about the challenges you encounter during these years, how you choose to see them, can either increase or decrease your stress. Attitude really can determine outcome. Here are some attitude adjusting suggestions that you might find useful at this point in your lives:
1. Choose your responses to stressful events. You leave work on Friday afternoon. You’re tired. It’s been a long week. Your spouse is on call this weekend and you know you might not see much of him. You pick up the kids, get them settled, and throw a load of wash in as you start supper. Suddenly, from the laundry room comes an ominous rumbling sound followed by even more ominous silence. Your new second-hand washer is leaking soapy water all over the carpet. How would you respond?
a. Groan out loud, feel your blood pressure go up, and use colorful language that your mother doesn’t know you know, and think to yourself, “After the week I’ve had, this is just perfect!”
b. Think to yourself, “I’m going to stay calm and get this taken care of.”
The first response is an understandable one, but it is a disproportionate response. In the scheme of things, a broken washing machine is not a major emergency. It is a minor inconvenience- one that you can handle. The second response is the healthiest and takes some work to cultivate. In order to respond in this way, you are going to need to learn to talk to yourself in a realistic and reassuring way. Say things like:
“I can figure this out.”
“I can get help if I need it.”
“I choose to stay calm.”
“I’ll not allow myself to get upset about situations I can’t control.”
Our choice about how we respond to the stressful event has the greatest bearing on our stress level. Developing a neutral, positive, reassuring and proportionate response to life stresses can be a powerful coping mechanism.
2. Go with the flow. Oh. I just realized I wrote this statement after the washing machine story. No pun intended. One sure way to create stress for yourself and your spouse is to expect things to go smoothly and predictably and hold firm to your ideas about how things “should” be. Erratic schedules, emergencies and moves are part and parcel of the training years. A physician wife that I interviewed for this article noted that in the physician marriages that she and her peers had seen fail, the inflexibility of the spouse of the physician seemed to play a significant role. New studies on stress indicate that those that develop resiliency – the ability (and willingness) to roll with the punches – are less stressed, live longer and experience better health. One spouse I interviewed talked about her realization that she was creating stress by allowing herself to be consistently disappointed when her physician spouse ran late or got called in. She found that if she chose to assume he would be delayed, she would be pleasantly surprised if he did make it home on time. She described her decision to make this mental shift and develop flexibility as being a real stress reducer.
3. Get creative. A physician spouse talked about coming home from work on a sweltering August day and finding that the air conditioning in their apartment had broken down. The building superintendent advised her that the problem could not be fixed until the next day. When her spouse arrived home from the hospital he was initially puzzled and then delighted, as he viewed the box fans she had strategically placed behind big bowls of ice and the video of his parent’s cruise to Alaska playing on the television.
4. Accept the fact that your mate is not going to be able to meet your emotional needs very well at this point in time. If you hold realistic expectations, you are going to save yourself (and your spouse) from frustration and disappointment. Physicians have described the years of training as “drinking from a fire hose”. He or she is frequently physically absent and, when they are home, so physically and mentally drained that they are emotionally absent. One physician spouse described his exhausted wife in this way: “The lights are on but nobody’s home.” But, your needs to talk, connect, discuss concerns and events of the day are legitimate. If these needs go unmet, the result could be increasing distance between you and your spouse. Especially during the training years, you are going to need to look to friends and family to get some of these needs met. Make it a priority to have lunch with a friend. Use e-mail to connect with those you care about and who care about you. One physician spouse said, “We are really watching our money now but the one splurge I allow myself is long distance calls to my sister. She really understands me. A half hour phone call with her helps me get and keep a good perspective.” Consciously choosing to do this is a win for both of you. You get your needs met. Your spouse will be relieved that he or she is not being asked to do something that they simply can’t.
5. Remind yourself that the way things are now are not the way they will always be. When you are smack dab in the middle of a difficult period of time, it’s often hard to remember that it won’t always be this way. This period of time will pass. Things will get better. It’s important to remind yourself of this and to remember to look forward to the future. For example, let’s say you are poor right now. Poverty is not pretty. We all know that. If you get weighed down by this fact, you could picture you and your spouse sleeping in an old refrigerator box underneath an overpass.
REALITY CHECK: This is not going to happen! Remind yourself this is genteel poverty. You won’t always have to be so careful about money. Several spouses of physicians that I interviewed for this article emphasized how helpful it was to talk with others who have already been through what you are experiencing. Save and re-read copies of this newsletter. The articles written by your peers are invaluable. Many spouses of physicians have described the collective wisdom and reassurance they found from members of the medical alliance. Even if you are not naturally a “joiner”, you may need to push yourself to take part in this organization. Without a question, the years of medical school, residency and fellowship are very challenging. The coping skills you develop and use during this time will be of great value to you now and throughout the rest your entire, glamorous life