The snow is gently falling outside of the frosted windows. The Christmas music is playing softly in the background and you are sitting by the rolling fire drinking hot chocolate and making homemade quilts for your closest friends….or so the commercials go. Back here on planet earth, the rest of us are busily trying to prepare for another stressful season of holiday parties, gift giving to the staff, nurses, attending physicians (say what?) and ‘call’. Instead of enjoying the festivities, each year many people succumb to feelings of depression and helplessness. For the medical spouse, these feelings of isolation and frustration can be compounded by inflexible holiday work schedules and post-call celebrations.
It seems ironic that this time of “cheer” can cause such significant stress, but according to the National Mental Health Association, feelings of depression and loneliness are surprisingly common. The NMHA lists factors including stress, unrealistic expectations, fatigue, financial stress, and being away from family and friends as the major contributing factors. In addition, the holidays may bring up memories of family members or friends that we have lost. It is a time of celebration…and sometimes self-reflection, where we examine our faults with a microscope and worry about the future.
All of this is compounded by the stress of the medical lifestyle. In addition to the ‘normal’ stress associated with preparing the ‘perfect day’, call schedules and exhaustion threaten to further dampen the holiday joy. How do you enjoy the holidays when your spouse has ‘call’ on Christmas Eve and you know that the children will be opening gifts without him? How can you celebrate the New Year when once again, they are rounding into the wee hours on New Years Eve? How do you keep your sanity and maintain a balance in your relationship when you feel the life that you have worked so hard to create unraveling around you in a blur of single-parenting, ‘call’, and Christmas bows?
There are no easy answers. We expect that during the holidays there will be a reprieve, where we can regroup and reconnect as partners and families. Yet medicine sometimes has other plans and coping with this disappointment can be painful. It is easy to get caught up in a cycle of negative thinking…and even to blame your spouse for this lifestyle that ‘they’ have chosen for you and your family.
You are not alone in your struggle to create a ‘normal’ holiday celebration for your family while juggling the demands of your spouse’s medical career. Unlike restaurants, shopping malls, and most gas stations, hospitals can not close their doors for the holidays. Illness does not wait until after the presents have been unwrapped or the turkey has been eaten. It’s normal to feel disappointed, frustrated and even depressed when holiday planning takes a back seat to the hospital’s needs. Here are a few suggestions to help you survive the holidays without giving in to the holiday blues:
‘Perfect’ is for fairy tales:
It may help to remind yourself that no one has the ‘perfect holiday’. When you put pressure on yourself to create a ‘Norman Rockwell’ celebration, you are setting yourself up for disappointment…and failure. Simplify your holiday plans and focus on enjoying the time that you do have together. Order a pre-cooked meal from the grocery store or buy your cookies instead of spending a day baking. If you can accept that your spouse will not be available at all times and focus instead on the times that they will be there, you will feel more relaxed and able to enjoy the festivities.
Create new memories:
Many other spouses will be spending these holidays organizing and celebrating alone. Help plan a small get-together for the other medical families that will be on their own this year. A pot-luck meal will take the pressure off of everyone! Instead of feeling blue, you may end up meeting new friends. It will be a fun holiday memory for all involved.
Give of yourself:
Another great way to take charge of the holidays is to help others who are less fortunate than you are. It is a great reality check….and it really can help you to feel good about yourself. Volunteer in a soup kitchen or homeless shelter to serve the holiday meal, or make ornaments/cards and bring them to a nursing home. Sharing the holiday spirit with others is a gift that gives back many times over.
Change the ‘Day’:
Who says Christmas or Hannukah or Kwanza must be celebrated on particular days, or that Thanksgiving Day is set in stone? Be flexible about holiday dates if possible. Use the ‘real’ holiday to cook, wrap gifts, and enjoy some down time… then celebrate a day later. If you have small children, they will likely not notice the difference.
If postponing the holiday isn’t possible, consider stopping by the hospital when your spouse has some downtime. You can enjoy an impromptu holiday celebration! Bring some sparkling grape juice, turkey, a miniature lighted tree, or a gift (or two) and appreciate the moments that you can spend together. Inevitably, the pager will go off, but your efforts will be treasured.
None of these suggestions will change the fact that ‘call’ or long work hours may be hanging over your relationship right now like a black cloud. Remember that although your spouse chose medicine as a career, they did not choose the call schedule or the attendings and they can’t control the hospital administration. They are sacrificing this family time to help those in need of medical attention. They will be there operating on the child with appendicitis or treating grandma’s heart attack. Their sacrifice is your sacrifice, and it is one of benevolence and compassion. Each family who walks through the hospital doors will be thankful to you for sharing your spouse this holiday season.
As far as attending gifts are concerned … a word of advice … ask around about the price point. Don’t ask me how I know!