how many kids to have?

Maybe this belongs in debates... (Not intended to offend anyone who's against family planning - I'd love to hear what you have to say.)

Here's the deal:
DH & I tried to have kids for seven years before we finally did IVF and had twins. My infertility was unexplained.

Ten months after the twins were born, I found out I was pregnant with our third! I'm due in November, and the thought of taking care of three kids under age two is overwhelming.

I'd really like to go on the pill after this pregnancy, and then consider a fourth baby about 2-3 years after this one is born.

My dilemma is that I don't know why I couldn't get pregnant before. What if going on the pill resets my body back to whatever was wrong before, and I'm never able to become pregnant again? Are three kids enough? I'm from a family of four kids, and DH is from a family of five, plus a much younger adopted sibling group. I guess I always kind of had four in mind, but then again, my siblings and I are so spread out in age that some of us felt like only children. My older sister has four who are close in age, and sometimes it seems too crazy for me to handle as well as I would want to.

I know it's a personal decision in the end. Just wondering what your thoughts on family planning have been. What makes you decide to have more children, or to stop at a certain number? Did/do you think about spacing?

[SuzySunshine]

Re: how many kids to have?

(Disclaimer: we only have one)

But we also have the fertility issues. It took us almost two years to get pregnant with Adele, I have PCOS and because of that I did not go back on the pill after she was born. I did not want those hormones running around in my body any longer since I've been on the pill since I was 16 to regulate my cycles. That should have been my first clue that something was wrong, but anyway. I had an IUD put in, the amount of hormones are MUCH lower and you can leave it in for up to 5 years but remove it at any time and your fertility is never affected as opposed to some other contraceptions that can delay your fertility once you stop taking it.

So we are now also having the planning discussion because it if it was to take us 2 years again then we'd want to start now but we don't think it will take us that long b/c my doctors now have some idea of our issue and they know what worked. So I don't have much help in that area. I think we have decided we're going to go with the are we ready for another child 9 months from now school of thought and if the answer is yes then we'll proceed. If it takes us longer then so be it.

Good luck, infertility is hard, the not knowing is especially hard.

[DCJenn]

Re: how many kids to have?

We agreed before we got married that we would only have one. In fact, my husband was strongly leaning toward zero but that was a deal-breaker for me. We knew we'd only ever have one. When it became readily apparent that things weren't going to happen the 'regular' way, we went for international adoption. It was kind of a no-brainer since we weren't interested in pursuing IVF. 3 years later, it was the best decision we have ever made. No regrets in any way shape or form. When we're done w/ a stage- we are DONE. (let me tell you, when potty-training is done, the liberation is amazing)

I'm honestly also very glad I'm only trying to feed a familly of three and provide transportation to only one. We'd be bankrupt if we had to do more!

Jenn

[Vanquisher]

Re: how many kids to have?

The only advice I have is to take each child (or pregnancy) one at a time. If you want more afterward, so be it.

I love what I have. Two. A boy and a girl, 6 years apart, and it is absolutely spot on PERFECT for ME. I know that other people think that my space is too big, or that I don't have enough kids, but screw them. It is my decision with my husband, our family, and this is how we wanted it. FWIW, I think big spaces are awesome, but it's just what works for me.

If you want 4 or 5, wait till you have 3, to see if you are ready to go for another. Think about an IUD or implanon in between as opposed to the pill, and then decide to have another or don't. Yes, it is completely personal, and I couldn't imagine having 4 kids, but others couldn't imagine two, so you have to do what's best for you with all angles considered.

Re: how many kids to have?

Thanks. It helps to hear how happy some of you are with smaller families. I was really content with just our two, especially since I thought that was all we'd ever have. I know I'll love this new baby like crazy, but I also think it will be hard to take care of so many little ones. (I also like the idea of being done with each stage within a two-year period.)

DH & I had considered adoption. We had a domestic adoption fall through right before we pursued IVF. For some reason I hadn't even considered international adoption as an option now. I know it's not an easy process, but I do know DH would be excited about it.

I think I'm leaning toward birth control in some form after this one is born, even if that ends up meaning this is our last.

[Momo]

Re: how many kids to have?

I'll be honest I would like to have five. I have also said if it doesn't happen by the time I'm 41, then that's it!

I didn't marry DH until I was 30. DS1 was a much wanted but poorly timed surprise! When I discovered I was expecting DD1, he was only 5 &1/2 mos old! Two months after moving to AZ, for DH's first job as an interventionalist, I discovered I was expecting again! While recovering in the hospital I will never forget a nurse chatting up DS and asking how old he was & if he was "enjoying have a little sister"? He quipped back " I'm two (would turn 3 a month later )and I now have two sisters?!!" That's when she turned and said, "you mean there's another between these 2?" pointing to DS & newborn DD. She looked shocked to say the least!

The men and women on this board provided me w/all kinds of great advice as well as BTDT stories. The virtual hugs and over all support have really helped. When I had post-op complications last year, after the birth of DS2,the gals on here helped me to feel the love .
Like others here, we never had the luxury of giving birth in a city where close friends or family lived. We have our "big-ish" brood and we did it on our own. Going from 2 to 3 was harder for me than 3 to 4. The idea of 5 doesn't seem daunting to me...of course you're all welcome to dig this up, if and when I get there and lament about it

BTW having them close in age, has more pros than cons IMO...so far!

[Phoebe]

Re: how many kids to have?

I agree with Vanquisher on this one. Although, I am too lazy to quote it.

We have kids 2 years and 3 years apart. We planned on being done after three, but DH and I both would like to have another and the discussion has been on the table for a year. DD#3 will be 2 in a couple months. We are still undecided due to several factors. However, the desire for a larger family still lingers. I have an IUD which has worked out really well. I had no fertility complications, but DD#3 took 8 months to conceive and my eggs aren't getting any younger.

[v-girl]

Re: how many kids to have?

We have 3 now. We hope to have one more biological baby. Then in our early or mid 40s we want to adopt (ages 4 and up) up to 4 kids.

[houseelf]

Re: how many kids to have?

Before kids we thought we'd have four children and two high powered careers. We had a blessed surprise and why we felt overwhelmed with love for him, I also just felt plain overwhelmed. We started surgery residency with a four month old so it took me a long time to wrap my head around parenting two. 4.5 years later, DD came along and it took me a long time to adjust to two. We are contemplating number three, but I am a bit scared about being to manage three kids in three different stages. DH is almost done with training, so I'm hoping that parenting may be a bit different outside of training. Still, I can't forget how hard infancy can be. I looooove my kids, but I have my limits. I just can't seem to get off of the fence on this one. At some point, my indecision will become a decision. :huh:

Kelly

[migirl]

Re: how many kids to have?

We're also of the "wait and see" approach. DS#2 is now 5 months old, and while I still can't quite shake the feeling that our family is not yet complete ... we're a little overwhelmed by the thought of adding a third child. I feel like 3 is so much more complicated than 2 (logistically, financially, etc.) ... it's going to be a really hard decision for us to make. :huh:

[spotty_dog]

Re: how many kids to have?

We always planned for two, and now that we're expecting the second, I'm feeling pretty satisfied with that. Still though, DH has started noises about when to get the big snip, and I think I'd rather wait a couple of years and make sure that we don't feel like there's a void in our family before making a permanent decision.

[mommax3]

Re: how many kids to have?

In all honesty, if DH hadn't chosen the specialty that he did, we would have had more. I would have liked to have had more, but I couldn't figure out how to make it work and still keep my sanity, especially with no family close by. I can still get very jealous of larger families that have both parents around every evening and weekend and extended family nearby.

We originally wanted *at least* four kids. Our three are all a little over 3 years apart, and that too was determined largely by DH's career choice. We had #1 after MS2, and I couldn't imagine having a second during those years, since we were living on student loans and the money I earned nannying for a family with four kids. I got pregnant with #2 at the beginning of intern year, and again, I couldn't imagine having another baby during that time, due to the fact that DH was gone all.the.time. We got pregnant with #3 during Christmas Break of PGY4, and had him 6 weeks after moving to the city where DH did his military payback. Having a 6 year old, a 3 year old, and a very fussy newborn where I knew *no one* and where DH was one of 2 OBs (so you can figure out the call schedule.....) about sent me over the edge. I probably should have had meds, but I wasn't rational enough to realize it and DH was too busy and stressed. We knew we would be there for four years, and if we were going to have a fourth, it would need to be there. DH was ready to get snipped, and I just didn't feel confident enough in my ability to handle another pregnancy/delivery/birth/newborn period with three other kids to take care of to mount an argument against it. After DH got out of the military, I think I could have had another, but it was too late at that point. I had a tough year or two about being "done" and we considered international adoption, but at first the $$$$ was an issue and then the issue became time. DH couldn't imagine being able to take off enough time to go to China (where we were considering) and in the meantime, life with three boys ramped up and I couldn't imagine adding a little one to that mix. And that is where we have been for the past 2 or 3 years. I get a twinge now and then, but DH really......doesn't.

I have enjoyed the age difference between our boys, although when you have someone in preschool/mom's day out for 10 years straight, some of the crafts and programs lose a little bit of their charm due to the btdt factor! If I were doing it again, I would have bitten the bullet and had them closer together in order to have four.

Re: how many kids to have?

I am so far from this time of life that it is refreshing to read about everyone's experiences. I had 2 daughters and 1 son in a five year spread (along with a complicated miscarriage). I loved the feelings and energy of a young family and didn't want to leave newborn land and then dive into it again. Although it was exhausting I am not sure that it was MORE exhausting than it was for my friends that spaced theirs out more. Now that they are "old" it is wonderful to have them so close.
I think that I didn't feel really content with the size of our family until my youngest went to kindergarten and then I definitely didn't want to start with another one.

[rainbabies]

Re: how many kids to have?

we had three in less than 2.5 yrs. it was hard, but most of the stages were all done together. how great it is not to use diapers anymore!!!

we wanted four, but were so very tired after 3, not to mention broke. we decided that i would have a tubal.

biggest.mistake.ever.

i regreted it and cried about it from the moment it was over. i was literally crying about it for a year after. i was depressed. what had i done!?

last oct. i had my tubes reversed.

i agree with heidi 100% take it as it comes. my only advice is not to do something permanent unless you're one million % sure. i was lucky that my doc didnt take alot of my tubes, and there was enough to put back together.

good luck with your decision.

[JaneDoe]

Re: how many kids to have?

I agree with those who said to take it one baby at a time. Before Dh and I had kids, we both wanted three kids. After having my DD, I was immediately ready for another. I had an easy transition from no kids to one. Then my DS came along 26 months later. I was so happy to have a little boy, but going from 1 kid to 2 was way more difficult than I anticipated. I'm sure it didn't help that Dh and I had other major life changes happening at the same time, like Dh finishing residency, me quitting work to stay at home, selling our home and buying a new one and moving across the country! So, after all of that I was not as eager to try for a third child as I was for number 2.

I also found it difficult to juggle a two year old and a newborn. Two year olds are still very much babies and dependent on mom. I think at three, kids can play more independently and are slightly more self-sufficient (ahem . . . potty trained!). After realizing that, I felt that having my kids 3 years a part would make for an easier transition. So, if I decided I was ready for a third child, I would only be ready when DS was 3.

Even though I've waffled on whether to have a third child, Dh has never waivered. I am finally in my groove with my kiddos. I'm so happy being at home with them, they play so well together (most of the time). They are just a lot of fun right now. Of course, I'm ready to throw all of that out of balance again for our third. It has taken my some time to decide that I'm ready, but I know that our family won't feel complete without another little one. So, Dh and I have thrown caution to the wind and we'll see what's in store for us.