Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

[MathMum]

Hey there! I am new-ish to the spouse boards (coming back after long absence and everything changed).

I have a question about giving DH bonding time with our son. We had him right before PGY1 (he is a surgical resident) and now with DH's schedule, he is home very little and misses our little boy during the day.

Since I am the primary caregiver, it is very easy for me to remedy any crying that DS does or just "come to the rescue." I think it might hurt DH's feelings that he isn't around often and when he is, I am constantly saying "Oh, I can do that you rest." and things of the likes.

How do you give your SO bonding time with your LO without being a "helicopter" parent and "coming to the rescue" for everything??

TIA!

[rainbabies]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

welcome back!

congrats on your baby. how absolutely wonderful! just a big ol ditto to what annie and cassie said.

oh, and we're about 4 hrs from each other...a straight shot. if you ever want to meet up at a half way point, let me know!

take care...things will settle, and your dh and baby will grow together.

[houseelf]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

Welcome back. We're still going through this at 8 years old to some extent. DH is on vacation today so he took both kids to the museum while I get some stuff done around the house. (DH is really, really busy, so stuff like this happens about twice a year).

It was difficult to watch them get ready this morning because he allowed the kids to dress themselves (dd choose a green top and a red polka dot skirt, DS choose sweat pants for a humid August day), DH didn't inquire whether teeth were brushed, and he forgot to brush DD's mop of hair that obscures her face. Also, both kids barely ate any breakfast whatsoever. I predict he's already hearing protests of hunger by now.

Through the years, I have learned to not anything because they have to figure out their own relationship, even if it is messy and chaotic.

But back to you, infants are picky, picky, picky about wanting mommy. I totally agree with Cassie. My kids gave heck to anyone trying to give them a bottle, especially if I was in a square mile radius.

You absolutely MUST allow your hubby to develop his own relationship with your child, even if things aren't done to your standards and/or both the child and parent get frustrated as they get to know each other better. Please don't think that you are helping your hubby or child by rushing in or always acting as the primary parent. Your child absolutley needs two actively engaged parents. YOU need an involved capable partner. On some level, even your hubby needs to work through some difficult aspects of infancy, even though he might not know it. The thousand little moments with his kids are the best moments of his life. He needs to have them, even if they are stressful, mundane, chaotic.

I feel pretty strongly about this because if I could go back and do some things differently, I would be more aggressive about ensuring DH had relationships with his kids which were completely independent of me. You are helping him build a lifelong relationship right now.

Kelly

[MathMum]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

Thanks for all the replys guys!

I do try and run to the grocery store or get out on Girls Night Out. I just feel so guilty about asking DH to watch DS! I know it's silly... but I really feel guilty because he is hardly ever home to begin with.

He's a great dad, don't get me wrong. He is more than capable of taking care of DS... I guess my thing is, I feel guilty about shleping DS off on DH to run errands... I don't want DH to feel like just the "babysitter." KWIM?

I think it can only get better with time and age, right? I mean, I don't know any toddler boy who doesn't adore thier daddy no matter how often they are around.

I hear life for a Surg Res doesn't get any easier after intern year either, so I guess I am going to have to work super extra hard to make sure they get thier time in.

[HouseofWool]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

Yep - the best thing I ever did was to leave. Were things done they way I wanted them? Nope. Was DS safe and fed? Yes. And he now adores his father.

Leaving the house allows them to forge their own relationship which will benefit you in the long run. It is really nice to know that if I am unable to take care of ds, that my husband is perfectly able to do so with confidence.

[GrayMatterWife]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

Ditto on the one-word recommendation: Leave!

Go shopping, for a jog, visit friends, whatever. But leave. What's the worst that can happen? A medical emergency. Check--he's got the skills to cover that! What the more likely thing that will happen? They will play together, then collapse on the floor, where you'll find the two of them sleeping when you come home. Grab the camera--I have a zillion of those cute pics.

DH deserves the private time (even if he doesn't realize it!), DS will benefit from the one-on-one time, and you'll get a bit of rest and relaxation (hardworking GEN SURGs residents are not the only ones that need rest!! Moms can use a break, too). Let DH parent: if he can handle running a code in the ER, manage crumping in the recovery room, and survive the general heinousness of the PGY1 year, he can handle parenting. It requires a lot of the same skills: listening carefully, responding respectfully but firmly, and not letting the people you're taking care of play in the pharm cabinet. And, it's a lot of perfecting by practice. Doing it (parenting) will build DH's parenting self-confidence. He will know that he can handle it--think about what a better, more confident physician he is today than he was on July 1, PGY1.

[spotty_dog]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

I mean, I don't know any toddler boy who doesn't adore thier daddy no matter how often they are around.

You got it. My husband didn't get much baby-daddy time during the first year, and especially with breastfeeding, when he did handle the baby it was easy for him to hand off at the first cry, "I think he needs milk!" Although I did end up shouldering the majority of the childcare load, I don't have any major regrets about the way that worked out. Tiny babies do need their mamas even though they love their daddies. And now that he is more independent and more verbal, he and his daddy have a very special relationship. DH is still a little disappointed that his boy wants his mommy when he's hurt or upset, and both of us wish we had a bedtime routine that Daddy could take over sometimes, but again -- it's not a big deal usually, and no regrets. I know it warms DH's heart to hear, "DAAAAAAA!!!!" when he walks in the door!

That said, I already predict that NextBaby will have a better rapport with daddy, both from sheer necessity as we'll have two kids to juggle between two parents, and also because DH will be working only about 4 days a week once NextBaby is about 4 months. He'll be home!!!

[Michele]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

One of the things we did (when he was around) was that Russ would wear Daegan (in the Ergo baby carrier) when he did dishes, mowed the grass, played video games, etc. It allowed them to bond with out Russ having to interact with him. Of course, now that's he's 2, mom is chopped liver and daddy can do no wrong.

[DCJenn]

Re: Mom of One - Bonding Time With DH

Caveat- dude was 13months old when he came home...

But- I feel no guilt about foisting the dude upon my husband. He may be tired but so am I! Especially when I was a SAHM, if I didn't escape regularly, it was bad for all.

and I know that they'll both leave the house looking like bag people but eh, I don't have to claim them (in public)

Jenn