My inflexible three year old

[SueC]

My three year old is totally reliant on routine to such an extent that she falls apart when things go awry. I'm wondering if I've given her too much freedom or have been too accomodating for her. For instance, when we get out of the car, I unbuckle her seat belt and let her out first and then we walk around together to the other side to get her sister. Since it was a little cold today, I unbuckled her and since she was taking a really long time to get out, I walked around to the other side and told her to come get out on that side. She completely lost it! She refused to get out on the other side. Rather than give in to her, I started to walk towards the house and told her she could stay in the car. At that point she did get out on the other side. We had a similar battle at lunchtime--I fixed grilled cheese instead of her favorite mac n cheese. She probably cried for 10 minutes over that. I think in the past I didn't really see any harm in just letting her do it her way, but now I think maybe I've created a little monster. Most of the time, she behaves pretty well so I didn't see it as much of a problem but I'm beginning to think I need to give her fewer choices so that she will be a little more flexible. Another example is last weekend when we were in Chicago with my parents and sisters. She was awful--throwing fits over the smallest thing. She wanted my poor mother to carry her down the streets of Chicago and threw a major fit if I tried to make her walk or ride in the stroller. What do you all think--how do you balance letting them be themselves and make their own choices with getting them to accept when things are non-negotiable? I should add, I don't let a three-year-old run our house or make all the decisions. It is just that when the issue is fairly un-important I tend to let her do it her way.

[peggyfromwastate]

Hi Sue- My daughter, who is now 7, was like this at age 3 (actually from about 2 forward). I used to worry that she was obsessive compulsive, but I tended to let most things go because I didn't want to fight with her over every little thing. I read a book called "The difficult Child" by Stanley Turecki where he discusses in details different temperaments of children. One of the most difficult temperaments is low adaptivity. When introduced to a new situation, my daughter would melt down. If things weren't done in her order, she'd melt down. She has matured a bit by now, but she still has struggles at times. It sounds as if your daughter may have a similar temperament???

I think that by letting her get her way on small stuff you are respecting her need for control and having things be predictable. It is good that there are non-negotiable things- this keeps her from being "spoiled". For instance, our non-negotiables were bedtime, naptime, bath each night, seatbelt safety, and behaving in public in as respectable way as possible (tantrums meant she had to leave, but a pouty face was ok b/c that's part of her temperament). I have one instance that comes to mind that illustrates her low adaptivity- tell me if it sounds similar. One night we were at a family dinner and things were running late. We decided to give her a bath BEFORE dinner. This was not the order of things and she screamed the entire bath. The rest of the night was ruined. Had we skipped the bath, it probably would have been ok. BUt changing when the bath happened plus going somewhere for dinner rocked her world out of proportion. We have literally 100s of examples of this--- She'll grow out of it to some degree, but I found it helpful to learn about her temperament as much as possible. This kept me more understanding, and when people told me that I needed to fight her on everything b/c she was getting "spoiled" I was able to say, "hmmmm. that's interesting."

Gotta go help dh get kids out of bath. Hope this helps a bit?!

Peggy

[houseelf]

Sue,

I read your message with great relief....we are experiencing a lot of the same with my newly turned three year old. Not that I'm happy that you all are going through this too, but it makes me feel like this may just be a normal stage.

We had little to no problems with the so called "terrible twos" as far as power struggles, temper tantrums, etc. But lately the little guy freaks out if he doesn't get his way. Of course this usually occurs in the most public of places where I'm struggling just to neutralize the situation, let alone gain control. To make matters worse, the little guy quickly straightens up when the big guy is around which frustrates the dickens out of me as his primary caretaker. Does your hubby have this effect on your kids too?

The other day while hubby was on call, I planed a day of hiking, feeding the geese, and picknicking at a nature preserve. The little guy was out of control with demands to be carried, to pet the wild geese, to get the mud off of his boots..... It took every last bit of patience to deal with him appropriately and try to enjoy the day. The next day...he was a complete dream child who cuddled, said "please" and "thank you" and consistently used the potty without asking. I don't understand the 180 degree personality change. Maybe he thinks that I'm the one with the personality disorder in his three year old little mind.

For the most part, I ***try**to ignore annoying behavior so it doesn't get any extra atttention or dispense punishment consistently, which I admit tends to be difficult for me. I have noticed that if he hasn't had a BM in awhile, he can be hell on wheels.

I really have to hand it to you parents who have multiple kids going through all of these challenges at once...Whoo...hats off to you.

Kelly

[SueC]

Thank you Kelly and Peggy!
Yes, Peggy your story sounds like something that could have happened at our house! One of Maya's things is that she insists on sitting in whichever carseat is behind where I'm sitting. So she finds out in advance whether or not I'm driving then asks to sit in the carseat behind me. I generally just appease her since her little sister couldn't care less where she sits. It doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but in the rare instance where we can't accomodate her she freaks out.
Kelly, Maya also basically bypassed the terrible two's also. She never bit, hit, or pushed other kids, would share and take turns and didn't throw tantrums. That is why this behavior has thrown me for a loop.
And, yes she does do better when my husband is around. I don't know why since I'm the disciplinarian and he is a total softy. It does make me feel like I'm the one with the problem sometimes!
Anyhow, glad to hear I'm not alone and thanks for the input guys! I am going to look for that book you mentioned Peggy.
Sue

I think it's a phase some kids go through. My daughter went through the same thing at that age. She found comfort in routines but also wanted to stretch her wings at the same time. It's not so bad now but occasionally she can really dig in her heels and just refuse to budge unless she gets her way. I think Peggy has some great advice about letting them have some choice on less important issues. However, for me sometimes "little" issues are a big inconvenience and even if I had relented previously for the same thing, if it's not convenient for me, she has to do it my way. Like the seat belt issue with you, Sue, I would've done the same thing.

And I've noticed that sometimes when she's had to do things diffently even with great protest, afterwards she's proud of herself for actually trying something new and realizing it wasn't so bad.