Crying uncle.

[houseelf]

I give. What is the secret to keeping your kids in bed at night? About two months ago we transitioned into a toddler bed out of the crib and we haven't had a night of peaceful rest since. He is pulling delay tactics, nocturnal wanderings, creeping steathily into our beds, you name it. It is just overwhelming to constantly steer him back into his room ten times a night. I think that he knows that we will eventually wear down. My personal favorite is "Mommy, I love you, can I cuddle with you?" while batting his unfairly long eye lashes which that flutter on his pudgy soft pink cheeks. What cold hearted individual can turn this down? At the same time, I miss sleeping.

Help????

Kelly

[mommax3]

Kelly,

As you have probably already figured out, there is no "answer" to this dilemma. There are, however, some things you can try -- and you may have already tried all of these, but here are some things I have done:

Have an iron-clad bedtime routine (start one if you don't have one) that involves some quiet interaction and some cuddling. Ours is: jammies on, teeth brushed, into bed for a story/devotion, prayers, and kisses goodnight. My boys listen to soft music on their radios as they fall asleep, and they each have a nightlight -- Luke's is a lava lamp and Joel's is one of those cylindrical lamps that looks like an aquarium -- it makes ME sleepy if I watch it for very long! We turn the music/lights off when we go to bed, a couple of hours later.

Explain to Cade that you need your rest to be a good mommy and when he comes in your bed, you don't get enough rest. Ask him to help you out by letting you sleep. Is he getting up because he is scared? Talk that through and come up with some things that he can try on his own before waking you. If he doesn't have one of those toy flashlights, get him one so he can turn it on if he feels scared.

If he is still napping during the day, he may not be sleeping as deeply at night -- something to think about. Maybe it is time to end his naps or shorten them considerably? I honestly think the only reason I haven't had much trouble with this one is that my oldest two gave up naps VERY early on, so they were exhausted when they went to bed at night.

If he persists in coming in your room, TRY (I know this is so hard) to take him back to his bed and if he needs you to lay down with him, do it there. Or, if Sean is on call, let him in your bed, but make sure he hears from you that when Dad is home, he can't sleep in your bed. And if he falls asleep in your bed and you are still awake, move him back to his bed. I often times laid down with my oldest in his bed and although I sometimes would doze, I was usually back in my own bed within 30 to 45 minutes.....sometimes with a stiff neck, but oh well.

I know there are lots of people that believe in the family bed, but my husband put his foot down early on and said that on the rare nights he was home, he was going to SLEEP, not be bothered by little feet and toddler snoring. The boys didn't always like it, but they understood it, even though they were pretty young.

This too shall pass, Kelly, and don't think he is wanting you because he doesn't have his Dad at home much, or because you work, or whatever else your mommy guilt comes up with -- it is just part of growing up, period. Hang in there and let us know how it is going.

Sally

[mommax3]

Another thought -- does the toddler bed have a "guard" on the outside to keep him from falling? We never used a toddler bed, we just went right to a twin with a rail thingie (that we bought) that we put under the mattress on the outside edge to keep them from falling out. They could still get out of bed, but they had to expend some effort -- they couldn't just roll over and get up. Maybe something like that would help?

Sally

Kelly,
Don't you wish that you appreciated and cherished a full night's sleep a little more before having a child? I sure do!

Anyway, a friend of mine is having similar issues with her almost 3 year old. She is reading (and loving) "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. Her interest in reading it was to help her 3 month old daughter with sleep as she is going back to work soon but she ended up learning some great ideas for her older child. The situation with her older daughter sounds very similar to yours -- I need a drink of water, I am hungry (works well with the picky toddler eating mommy guilt), sing me one more song, etc, etc.

This is what they are trying:
1. A firm and predictable bedtime routine with changing to pjs, brushing teeth, reading a few books, and singing two songs.
2. At a neutral time of day (say lunch or dinner) they talk about the bedtime rules for their house. They review and discuss the above routine. She asks only two songs? --Yes two songs and then time to sleep. Their bedtime rules also include -- you need to lie down, close your eyes, and stay in your bed. If you get up, we won't sing anymore songs. I will pick you up and put you back in bed (with minimal eye contact and no talking). The idea is that since all the rules are gone over before bedtime and discussed during a non-bedtime neutral time, the expectations are clear. Also, the idea with the minimal eye contact/no talking is to not give them a social interaction (positive or negative) when they get up.

They also tell her that part of her "job" in the house is to sleep well at night because she needs to do that to grow. Likewise, moms and dads need to sleep well at night so that they aren't grumpy and grouchy parents.

3. She has a "star chart" and gets a star for going to bed without getting up/following the bedtime rules and for being gentle with the baby. A certain number of stars equals a treat (they do 5 stars = a lollipop -- she gets a few during the day related to the baby so they add up fast enough to mean something).

She seemed to understand all of this pretty well and after a few nights their bedtime routine is getting easier and she isn't getting up nearly as much (or at all?) right after bed.

Good luck!

[Rapunzel]

This is all very good advice that I second. One thing I would add: If none of the above seems to do the trick then I have one last ditch method of "containment" post-crib that I used with my oldest. I put a tall babygate in the doorway and kept his bedroom door open so I could hear him if there were any truly necessary reasons for Mommy to go to him. This only works before night-time potty-training of course. If he isn't quite to the level of going to the toilet at night and simply will not stay in his room I would advise this method if anything to just keep him safe and prevent him wandering through the house at night while you sleep. Good luck.

[SueC]

We have a very firm bedtime routine, and although I feel like a monster sometimes for not giving "one more hug", I don't do it. I don't even read stories at bedtime. I brush their teeth, give them each a hug and a kiss, and tuck them in. If my daughter (who is 3) wants something such as a drink of water or socks, then she does it herself and hightails it back to bed. I am very firm with them about this. I do feel like a big "meanie" sometimes, but I need for them to be in bed at a predictible time each night for my own sanity.

The only thing I can add to the already excellent advice is to give him some sort of a transitional object to remind him of you and comfort him----it could be a picture of you or an old t-shirt of yours or a special teddy bear, etc.

Another important point is to find out exactly what is keeping him up and create a solution together. Is he scared of the dark?? Is he missing you?? Is he distracted by noise in the house?? Does he have a tough time in general winding down and need an altered bedtime routine to meet his specific needs?? Is there a way for you to make sure you are relaxed and ready to deal with his bedtime routine? Sometimes if we are stressed or impatient, it stresses out our kids so that things can easily snowball out of control to make everyone miserable. Answering these questions may take some time to figure out. Is he a kid that needs to talk about his day???

Another idea------I used to do this when my oldest was tiny and didn't want to go to sleep. She kept her favorite teddy and dolly in bed with her every night and cuddled with them. One day when she was being particularly difficult at bedtime, I picked up Dolly and Teddy and held them to my ear and said, "What??? You don't want to go to sleep yet either??" My Abigail started giggling and then delighted as we started a new tradition that we call "The Dolly and Teddy Story." I then proceeded to ask her "friends" if they wanted to hear a story about a dolly and teddy that didn't want to go night-night. Here's what we do: I say, "Once upon a time, Dolly and Teddy didn't want to go night-night, so instead, they went....where??" Then Abigail will chime in with , "The Zoo" or "The Beach" or "Grandpa's" or "The Moon" or wherever. Then I go on...."When they arrived at the zoo (or elsewhere) they did 3 things. First they.....what did they do???" I encourage her to come up with 3 things such as, "They saw the monkeys, then they ate popcorn, and they rode on a little train." Then I ask, "What else did they need to do before they were ready to go to sleep??" She would come up with an answer and we would finish the story and dolly and teddy would then be ready to go to sleep and cuddle with Abigail and she was able to easily fall asleep. The entire story takes about 2 minutes to complete and it became great fun for us to share these stories each night. Frequently parts of her day and worries entered the story and we used her thoughts in the story to resolve her feelings. For a long time she asked for these stories every night...then she stopped. Now, she asks for them about once a month when something is bothering her and we use it as a vehicle for her to share her worries.

The Dolly and Teddy story is a great idea, Laurel!

We have had some success with asking Bryn what caused her to wake up at night -- usually its a pesky monster. It seems to work best to ask her about this in the morning or early afternoon. If we ask too late in the day it causes bedtime problems. Some monster solutions that work for us:
a) I "talk" to the monster and tell it to leave Bryn's room (usually accomplished with me having a whispered conversation with the closet);
b) anti-monster spray (an empty squirter bottle for her to spray around her room);
c) negotiating with said monsters to let them know that if they are mean they have to leave our house. Bryn says it is fine for them to stay and play with her toys as long as they don't keep her awake. :

[Auspicious]

Wow, you guys are good. 8)

[PrincessFiona]

uncle!!!!!!!!!!!!



You know I'm laughing with you, not at you, right???


hehehehehehe.....Revenge is so sweet.....ummm..I mean..Gosh, Kelly, this sounds really rough 8)

For everyone else, Kelly and I tend to talk on the phone after Cade gets to bed...and my kids were of course still getting up and getting out of bed, fighting, crying...you name it Besides the fact that I was irritated out of my skull with the fact that they just wouldn't settle down, I was embarassed because Cade would just fall into bed effortlessly for Kelly...and I 'knew' what she was thinking (having been there myself many years ago )

Ahhhh...sweet revenge!

But really, Kelly....I agree with Jennifer about the baby gate. It will help keep him coralled..until of course, he learns how to climb over it...which shouldn't take longer than a few days

kris

I agree with the babygate idea, in fact that is what we have used when our 3yr old was coming out to "see the dark". He hated the idea of being "stuck" in his room and the behavior stopped within about 2 nights.

When we moved my 2 year old out of his crib into a big boy bed (which really was a bunk bed with his older brother on top), he was tickled by his newfound freedom. He could get out whenever he wanted and didn't have to wait for someone to come get him out of his crib. And of course bedtime was a bit of a struggle and when it was time, everyone went to bed...except for Daniel. But we just closed OUR door and could hear him running around the house in the dark, going into his sister's room and eventually ended up in his own room playing until he got tired. Next morning we found him in his bed sound asleep.

The novelty's worn off but like everyone else, when I got tired I went to bed. And I told him as long as he was in his room he could play quietly until he was ready for bed. These days, he just climbs into bed himself when he sees everyone else getting ready for bed! Then I go in and give him bedtime hug and kiss and that's it!

[houseelf]

Kris,

You crack me up. No, I never thought bad things about your bedtime rituals and even if I did, God is bent on teaching me humility through a vehicle called "parenting".

You guys are soooo right. The little guy can almost smell my ambivalence about the whole family bed thing. I can honestly say that I'm 100% divided on the issue. On one hand, sleep is so precious, as is adult alone time. On the other hand, there is nothing better than waking up to the first strains of sunlight with all your family cuddled in together like a pack of puppies. This moments may just be some of the most beautiful and comforting moments of my life.

I have put my foot down to the extent that he absolutely must start out in his own bed. This is my only "me" time when dh is on call and our only couple time when he is home. If the little guy wanders in later in the evening, I'll try to steer him back to his room. But I think that he intuits that both dh and I are cuddle maniacs who think that this is a smaller battle in the scheme of things. One day I'll probably be lucky to get a kiss as I drop him off at school. So that is the temporary peace that we have made with things right now.

I guess this precludes me from future griping about sleepiness?

Kelly