What you don't know about that wild unruly child

[Ladybug]

The piece was quite lovely. And a good reminder to all parents not to judge other parents. That should be our first thought, always. As one of my favorite bloggers once said, "here's all I know for sure, I'm a child of God...and so is everybody else".

I do have a question though and I want to ask this as sensitively as possible so I hope I don't offend. As the mother of a child who appears to be on the calmer end of the spectrum, how do you handle situations (with young children where parental intervention is appropriate) when your child is being impacted physically by a child like those described in the article? For example, I know people on our forums have had their kids injured at preschool, etc. by kids who were "wild children" and everyone encouraged those people to remove their child/address the issue with teachers/potentially get the kid removed from class, etc.

I ask because one of the boys in our small group (like Bible study) is extremely, extremely spirited and has physically run over and pushed down DD (who is 18 months his junior) on repeated occasions. I want to address this situation as appropriate with compassion for his mom who is a wonderful woman who DOES discipline her child, DOES do all the things she's "supposed" to do, etc. I don't want to come at this from a place of judgment but honestly, I also need to protect my kid. It makes me not want to accept her invitations to playdates, etc. which is really sad and I don't want to be isolating to them. I want to love her and her child but I'm just not sure the right way.

That would pivot on my relationship with the mom. If I really click with the mom and see a potential, long-term friendship then I would work with her through this stage...and it is truly a stage. Kids gain self control with mindful, patient parents. My closest friend here has a difficult child/personality. She has tried everything, but he just doesn't respond to standard parenting...even super parenting. I think there is a neuro component, but no has been able to diagnose it so far. I find the family truly fantastic and overall enjoy their company, minus the difficult interactions that can abrupt from G. My kids know he's difficult, but we talk about how things aren't as easy for G and practicing our patience with people that struggle socially. Yes, I might technically be putting my friendship over my kids perfect playdate experience, but I've received so much support from my friend....and my friendships are important too. They keep me emotionally balanced for my kids.

If I didn't feel the potential click with the mom of a difficult playdate I just wouldn't invest the energy into the playdate. Not because her parenting is substandard, but I don't see the benefits of the relationship outweighing the investment.

[Ladybug]

How do you feel about "me" as the parent of a more passive child saying to the child that just bum rushed my child "oh be careful of DD, she's smaller/not as strong as you/as fast as you/etc, we've got to use our soft hands, etc" I've found that if I don't say anything right the second it happens then the other child just goes for it over and over until their mother is looking. I would never shame a child, but in a sweet way let them know its time to move on and play somewhere else for a bit. Bad idea?

My husband used to yell at my BFF's son "Hey cut that out! Stop punching my kid!" My friend would get so mad and leave. I would just laugh it off. She would get over it and it was no big deal. She knew her son was the typical active 2-3 year old boy. Her son would punch DD in the stomach like he did with his dad when they wrestled at home. BTW, it didn't stop her son at all from doing it! lol! He thought it was funny DH was yelling at him!

Again, I think it would be colored by my overall impression of you. If you were always showing people your superior parenting skills via conversations, advice, etc. then I would see this as an extension of yourself and feel annoyed by you. If you were a balanced, helpful, vulnerable, honest person then I would trust your judgement and appreciate your help. I would probably still feel self conscious about my lapse in parenting, but I would hopefully realize that was my own judgement/fear and not yours thus keeping it to myself and self medicating later.

[TulipsAndSunscreen]

I definitely plan to continue this friendship. She is a friend from bible study and her younger child is D's exact age. I really appreciate the thoughtful responses. And I do want to teach D to be understanding of people different than her. I am working on helping her to understand to "act kind" and "use kind words" even when someone isn't sharing, etc. She's really young but maybe it'll stick someday.


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