For the record...

[PrincessFiona]

I want to say that I am not unhappy that I made the choice to be a sahm....If I wanted to work full-time I would....I just can't help but contemplate these things sometimes. We live in a neighborhood where I don't really fit in, and this has never happened to me before. Someone recently told me that Minnesota nice was only skin deep...and they are right...at least in the sense that if you weren't born and raised here you can just 'forget about it'. That's my feeling from Central MN. anyway.

It was much easier to make friends in Central PA and Fl, and I was much more at peace with my choices. I had great friends in Germany, and even though I only lived in Northern Ireland for year, I made a friend that I continue to keep in touch with to this day. Her daughter even came to visit us every year until last year when she started her own family. I'm not a total loser...but...in the friend's dept. here I've pretty much struck out. Being a sahp requires (at least for me) a community of friends. It's no fun to go to the park with the kids and just sit there and watch...or to go to the pool and just sit...while they play. It is so much nicer when there are other moms to talk with and to share experiences and stories. It really can be a blast. Of course, the problem with being isolated for this long is that I've gotten grumpy..and that means I don't always put my best foot forward anymore (vicious circle there!). I have to try very hard now when I go out to wear a smile and present myself positively...and I don't always say 'hi' to people anymore like I used to.

At this point, my oldest son actually asked me if I had something going with the Schwann's man because when he brought our food in last time, I ended up carrying on a conversation with him about his family for 10 minutes.....If the mail lady shows up at our door she better just ring the bell and run :> . If a friend calls (or I call them) I just..don't want to get off of the phone.

The best thing that has happened this summer is getting to meet Kelly out at the beach on Wednesdays....hours fly by in minutes and we talk about our kids, our lives...It is stimulating, fun and fabulous and we all just have a great time....That makes being a sahm fun. I can come home and face laundry and dishes etc when I have that social outlet for myself.

For the rest of the week though, its' pretty much just me..and I can get overwhelmed by the 4 walls that start closing in on me. Who wouldn't?

I find the isolation and loneliness extremely hard to bare and honestly am sometimes envious of my husband. He earns a great salary, has fabulous benefits and has exciting stories to tell. I find it hard to believe that I'm the only one here that ever feels that way....I just do. Many times when I come here I feel like I am an oddity for ever wishing I could go to a confernce and be put up in a 5 star hotel etc. Seriously...am I really the lone loser here?

kris

[mommax3]

Seriously...am I really the lone loser here?

NO, Kris....I felt the exact same way the first three years we lived in Wichita Falls, and I *think* I expressed it, numerous times! I really didn't have any friends there until last year, when I started teaching. I totally get what you are saying. I don't feel like Ms. Gregarious since we have moved here, either, although I haven't written anyone off since we have only been here 2 months. I do feel different though.....I don't expect to make friends, necessarily, and like you, I find staying at home much more bearable when I have friends doing the same thing. I am wondering what will happen once school starts.....if I will meet any other moms that I "click" with.

A confession.....I had been given names of parents of two boys in each of my older sons' classes, with the suggestion that I try to get the kids together over the summer to allay any fears about starting school in a new place. My middle son is more nervous about being in a new school, so I called the first parent on the list. She was pretty short with me on the phone and didn't really sound interested in having our boys meet, so I just bumbled my way through the conversation and pretty much gave up on the whole thing. I just couldn't deal with the "rejection" I was feeling.

So, yeah, I understand why moms go back to work when their kids are in school, and I will probably do just that, at least on a part-time basis. I get jealous of DH's "glamorous" life and really petty when I get too home-bound, and there is absolutely nothing keeping me chained here.....sometimes it is just hard to break out of the routine. I want to go back to school, but I am scared to do it, too. Not so much the academic side of it, but the whole mess of how to balance it all with the stuff everyone is used to me doing around here. I feel like it is a great opportunity for personal growth, but I am not sure I feel like growing right now!

Anyway, just know that I do understand.

Sally

Oh Kris - I totally get you! It is my biggest fear that I won't make friends here. All of my friends in Cleveland said "oh - you're so outgoing, blah blah blah" ... but you know what? I'd known them for 5+ years (some my entire life). Of course they think I'm adorable!

I find it's extremely hard for women to meet women. We have this silly competitive thing going on in the back of our minds rather than finding ways to be supportive. Add that to the fact that I've moved to the Bible belt - which is so NOT me - and I feel terribly akward. I'm trying to be positive, but 2 of the perspective "friends" I've encountered (i.e., those who have appeared to be interested in building a friendship), also happen to sell Mary Kay and have asked if I'd be interested in a facial. Keep in mind while reading this that for the past year I'VE sold Tastefully Simple to try to keep us afloat - so I know what it's like to try to build a business while building connections .... but I just waited until someone ate something of mine they liked before I offered any other information.

My son is now signed up at a school a good 15 min away, and I exercise over 15 min away (other direction), and who wants to make friends w/a sweaty, chubby girl anyway??

I do understand. I have said it probably a million times before, I have felt best when I am working part time. Full time would be too much but 20 hrs/week is great for me and I think I am still an attentive parent.

I didn't respond to your other post, but my feeling is that attentive parents are the most important. A stay at home parent is not necessarily attentive. Like Angie said...won't go there....*deep breath*....

[pstone]

Understand

Not to pile on the misery train here, but I too get exactly what you are saying. I had a career (Architect) for 11 years and then quit to stay at home. Boy do I now miss all those interactions that I thought were superficial and stupid back then. Have not managed to find another SAHD in my area to save my life, and well, as nice as you mothers are seems Dads cause some werid issues.

So I try to do consulting work, but after you add up the time little boy takes, the house hold takes, pampering the wife takes, I have so little actual time left to even do something meaningful.

I would not say I am sometimes jelous of my wife, I would say I was always! She gets to talk to people and learn new things everday, and although she is now just trying not to kill people, seems someday she might actually help save people.

Big enough pile yet?

Oh, and then I realize when she does get home the last thing she wants is to hear about how bad it is, so happy face!

[DCJenn]

Peter-

Welcome aboard- and yes, I just left and extremely rewarding career to stay at home with our newly adopted toddler. 0 to toddler is a world I wasn't even remotely prepared for.

I keep watching the planes take off from National and I see which carrier they are and I'm thinking, Oh, that's the United flight to Chicago, oh look there's the Aloha Airlines flight, they have such nice attendents.

Miss it? Professional interaction with adults? The sense of accopmlishment and fufillment from being a one of a few who did what I did? the paycheck?

Feeling your pain and singing Kumbaya.

Jenn

[Vanquisher]

Kris,

In the aforementioned post, I was trying to build you up and reassure you by telling you that your kids really do need you. Fast forward, and I can see that it wasn't really your point. I missed the mark here.

What you were looking for is reassurance of a different kind. Reassurance that it is okay to want to go to work and have adult interaction. Yes, yes, yes!

Hijack alert:

When I first moved to Albany for medical school, I was in isolation despair. For two years, I literally had no friends (kind of like now). But, then, it happened, I got in on a book club, and I met the most amazing women. Three women, who all stayed at home kind of near me. I was definitely the most liberal of the group, and our opinions differed on things, but I had probably the most amazing adult friendships I am ever going to have. 3 of the four of us moved from Albany last year, and we have all realized that we may never have that again. It is lonely and depressing. I could count on those women for everything. Case in point, while pregnant with my daughter, I was extremely ill with hyperemesis gravidarum, and literlly could not get out of bed. Dh had an away rotation for an entire month. During that month, one of these women came over to my house and made me dinner and got on her hands and kness and scrubbed my kitchen floor. She cleaned my house. One of my other friends would come and pick up my son and babysit him all day long without my asking. The other friend let me move in with her family for three weeks so she could take care of me and my son, and she did, just like a mom. Wow, how am I ever going to find that again? I was truly lucky.

Now, I feel the same kind of lonliness and isolation as before. It sucks. I tried to get involved with a local moms group, and it didn't work. There was a woman in the group whose husband (or shall I say father of her kids) was a felon. THe rest of the group was very blue collar as well, and I didn't quite fit in.

I plan on going back to work when my kids are in school. Maybe not full-time, but part-time at least. I need something. I need adults! I suspect that's what you need too. This isn't about what your kids need, and whether or not they need you. This is about what you need. You need your own time.

So far, my own time exists within the framework of this message board. I'm working on expansion.

[Sheherezade]

Kris, I completely understand your position as well. I think working part time is a great option for every parent. I have a big grudge against our culture for not supporting part time workers; I think it is difficult to climb a ladder or be considered a "go-getter" in many fields if you limit your working hours. That's my gripe. (More politics than parenting.)

I don't think that agreeing with you means I can't also agree with Jennifer. I do think kids notice when an attentive, available caregiver is available to them vs. a group organization. I think it *can* have a positive influence. Doesn't always, but sometimes does. I don't think you should discount the influence your availability and presence has even if you aren't actively playing with the kids. That doesn't mean I think working is bad. Particularly part-time. That's probably good. That's what I'm doing now - albeit freelance and at-home.

But what do I know? I certainly bring my own baggage into this discussion. (Lots and lots of baggage! ) That's why I usually refrain from posting. I'm sorry if you've interpretted that as a lack of support. I think each parent has to decide what is best for their family.

Re: Understand

and well, as nice as you mothers are seems Dads cause some werid issues

Peter - I wish it weren't true - but I know it is! It's really shameful how long it takes for SAHD's to get accepted into playgroups, etc. As I recently said in another post, it's hard for women to meet women b/c we have this competitive, judgemental thing happening in our heads. Throw in that it's a guy, and we all wonder why HE'S home (when in reality, it simply shows a really thoughtful couple who may have chosen it for any number of reasons), but people simply aren't that easy.

I think when we go to kid functions we should all wear t-shirts w/the basic facts. It would cut through the crap and help people meet people w/similar interests. SAHD's could wear ones saying: I'm not gay (not that there is anything wrong with that), my career is easier to ressurect than hers once the kid is in school and it was important to us to have a parent home, just interested in adult conversation - same as anyone else who stays home.

Mine would say: recently relocated mother of 2 boys. looking for friendship with other parents who love to find adventures to distract them from housework. when i tell you you're welcome in my home, but my house is a mess - it really is a mess. And thanks, but I'm not looking for a church OR a Mary Kay facial.

[DCJenn]

Great idea Jenn-

I think mine would say:crazy liberal housefrau looking for conversation and the occasional coffee, although a beer isn't a bad idea either. However, we will not become best of friends because my husband is in the Army and we're moving in a year. Unless your husband is in the military and you'll be leaving too. and if you tell me 1) that I've done God's work by adopting a 'poor Russian orphan' 2) Jesus loves him or 3) George W. Bush is God, I will slap you.

Re: Understand

I would not say I am sometimes jelous of my wife, I would say I was always! She gets to talk to people and learn new things everday, and although she is now just trying not to kill people, seems someday she might actually help save people.

And then try to explain to them exactly what part of that you are jealous about and they likely look at you like you are crazy.....

It really can be hard to meet people. I met some parents through DD's preschool, but it took a while. Most of the kids had been together for a few years, so the parents had all been together for a few years....

I'll have to think about my t-shirt.

[Sheherezade]

Have not managed to find another SAHD in my area to save my life, and well, as nice as you mothers are seems Dads cause some werid issues.

We had a great stay at home dad in our play group when my kids were little. After 2 years, he had been accused (behind his back) of having affairs with 2 of our other members by people in the community. Completely untrue, but enough to cause discord in the marriages involved. One of the women was my best friend -- she stopped hanging out with him because she thought her husband couldn't take it anymore. Sad. We aren't very evolved yet, are we?

He ended up always being on the fringe, and I'm not sure anyone ever explained things to him. He probably knew, but it was more a gossip thing among women so maybe not. I don't know if he could have fixed it anyway.

After I left a new SAHD was around, but I don't think he ever hooked up with the first guy. It is much harder to find a kindred spirit in the SAHD world.

[pstone]

my fear

Oh, that is one of my biggest fears, I need a group if they are women. I could never let myself spend "alone" time with a SAHM, other then very occasionally. Let me explain that I simply adore my wife, there is no other woman on the earth for me, but it is just that simple gossip or others mis-understandings that I am worried about. Only takes one person being mean or gossiping to cause major ripples of problems.

It is just easier to avoid, hence a group is a must for me.

Very sad I know, and very isolating.

I just really don't worry about spending time with SAHDs. Maybe that is easy to say because I've never dealt with any rumors about it?
One of DD's preschool friends has parents who work part time with the dad being the primary daytime parent (he works late afternoon and evenings a few nights as week, she has one day off/week). Our kids like each other and we enjoy each other's company -- either the SAHD and me, the mom and me, or all of us together. Same with another preschool dad who has a flexible work schedule -- I'm friends with his wife but if she is working (owns her own PT business) the dad is there when the kids get together.
Who cares! People must have too much time on their hands!

and if you tell me 1) that I've done God's work by adopting a 'poor Russian orphan' 2) Jesus loves him or 3) George W. Bush is God, I will slap you.[/b]

love it! We should start a new "frequent relocator thread" for these ...