Spouse Help

[SoonerTexan]

N insisted on having her diaper changed during night wakings until she was about 1 month old. She wouldn't go back to sleep otherwise--hated to be wet. I still had to feed her, but DH did those. It was really hard for me to repeatedly scoot out of bed and change her diaper in the early days of recovery.

Granted, he was very very free when N was born (just studying for a test as an MS2 and then Christmas break) and will be really free when this kid is born, so it is a different ballgame.

[scrub-jay]

DH helped at night as 4th year med student and intern when and where he could. I would expect nothing less. He is their father.

This.


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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

DH helped at night as 4th year med student and intern when and where he could. I would expect nothing less. He is their father.

Props to Dr. Vanq for being able to handle it all!

DH contributed in myriad other ways as already noted including cooking, cleaning, bathing, etc. whenever he could. For us, however, it was just more realistic for me to do nights. Like it or not, the intern/resident is not going to be cut ANY slack in my experience whereas if I were a little bit low energy from lack of sleep, people understood a tiny bit.

You guys will find your rhythm and what works for you.

[GreyhoundsRUs]

Between 2 kids, DH has taken 1 nighttime feeding So, yeah...

He was even on research until DD2 was 6 weeks old. He doesn't have boobs, and I don't pump. I did tell him the other day that it was the weekend and Mommy was scrubbed into an über important case, so he needed to handle the kids I can barely handle a newborn, and it's my least favorite stage, so I don't expect miracles from him.


Wife of a PGY-4 Orthopod

[SuzySunshine]

I am planning to breastfeed, but I'll pump too, because once she goes into daycare, she'll have to take a bottle.

Could just be me but I'd much rather get up, feed the baby and go back to sleep - then get up, make DH get up and feed the baby while I pumped. At least at first (for up to 2 months if I'm correct) you need to pump or feed every time she eats to keep your supply up.

If our kids had been born during med school DH would have totally helped more where he could but no way in residency. They don't get a pass to be an ass but while I was staying home he should sleep. Once you go back to work (at what 6-12 weeks) then you may want to discuss things depending on how the pumping/feeding is going.

[Deebs]

Has he done a SICU rotation yet? Those were some of the months DH and I had no overlapping hours where we were both awake. I just don't know how realistic it is to count on him being home much at all.


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[Pollyanna]

The thing is, every family is different. What works for some won't for others. It doesn't make a bad father if he doesn't help at night and it doesn't make a better mother if she does everything. I would encourage you to be honest with your needs. If you need help then ask. It is also dangerous for mama to do all the night feedings when she is exhausted. You don't even want to know the stories dh has. Dh was always able to help at night. If I couldn't keep my eyes open after I nursed baby I would give her to dh. Otherwise I took nighttime until baby no longer needed to feed at night. Dh takes baby as soon as he walks in the door so I can have a break from holding and watching her. Go with the flow and ask for help.

[ladymoreta]

DH helped as much as he could, too, but it definitely depended on the rotation. It didn't make sense for him to take most night wakings because of breastfeeding. What worked for us was having him stay up with the baby until about 11:00 or 12:00 while I went to bed after feeding the baby at about 9:00. I'd get up whenever they got hungry, nurse, then get them to sleep.

DH offered to take more wakings, but like others said, it usually just resulted in a more frantic baby. Also, DH is a deep sleeper, and I'm a light sleeper, so I would have to wake him up (difficult), and then I was often still awake when he came back, so it seemed pointless. He also fell asleep in the chair with them often. I did, too, but with being a light sleeper, I wasn't as concerned about me doing it.

Try a few different things. Babies are so different, and you guys won't be the same as any of us. You'll get a system worked out, and those first few weeks/months are just hard all around. Go into survival mode and just plow through.

[alotofyarn]

He can cook, clean, pick up dinner, hold a fussy baby during the evening so you can rest, give baths, etc. The responsibilities will shift and evolve over time, but they are very mommy-heavy in the beginning for BFing moms. They do change, more quickly in hindsight. Now DH makes breakfast and does baths and cooks adult meals too. It was a learning process though. Fathers are made, not born when the baby is born.

DH helped as much as he could, too, but it definitely depended on the rotation. It didn't make sense for him to take most night wakings because of breastfeeding. What worked for us was having him stay up with the baby until about 11:00 or 12:00 while I went to bed after feeding the baby at about 9:00. I'd get up whenever they got hungry, nurse, then get them to sleep.

These are good things to think about. I'm OK with getting up and doing night feedings, but I'm not going to do that and everything else too if he has other times where he's able to help in other ways. I'm pretty sure we'll be set with meals for a while, thanks to my parents and our church, but I feel certain I can find other things for him to do to help out. He generally does well with specific requests, he just doesn't notice things on his own that might be helpful.

Has he done a SICU rotation yet? Those were some of the months DH and I had no overlapping hours where we were both awake. I just don't know how realistic it is to count on him being home much at all.

He hasn't - he'll have about a month of it before the baby is due. I believe he does 10 hour days with 38 hours off or 14 hour nights with 34 hours off - something like that, so it's not as bad as it could be.

[Vishenka69]

What also worked for us was splitting the night shift into half, that way each of us got about 5hrs of uninterrupted sleep.

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[TulipsAndSunscreen]

Wow, slightly off topic but that's a really cushy schedule if he gets 36 hours off after every night shift. That would be awesome!! DH never got off more than 16 hours after night shift. If that's the case, he should be able to sleep off part of the day and then help at night.


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[MarissaNicole]

It really depends on YOUR situation. DH gets about 4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes more sometimes a lot less. So even if DD keeps me up an hour or two or even half the night I am still getting more sleep then he is. It just doesn't make sense to take away from the little sleep he does get.

We have an old easy chair I'm DDs bedroom and it has been amazing. Occasionally when she wont stay asleep I've held her in my arms and slept in the chair. Sure it's crappy sleep but it's still sleep!

It will vary depending on the rotation so enjoy (and demand) the help when he's around and try and get to bed early when he is not.

Don't worry you can do this!

Wife to PGY4

[Phoebe]

DH helped with night feedings occasionally because we supplemented with formula. Mostly, I nursed. DD1 slept on his chest a lot during fellowship so I could rest. After the first child, he helped mostly with the other kids while I tended to the baby.

[alotofyarn]

Wow, slightly off topic but that's a really cushy schedule if he gets 36 hours off after every night shift. That would be awesome!! DH never got off more than 16 hours after night shift. If that's the case, he should be able to sleep off part of the day and then help at night.

This is what we've heard from the other residents, but we'll know for sure at the end of this month.

I know he'll sleep less when he has to start taking call next year, but I really don't feel like he has it that bad right now. He gets up early and works 10-12 hour days, but he goes to bed between 8:30 and 9:30 usually each night to get up at 5 or 6 in the morning, and he only works two weekends a month. He's so much less grumpy when he gets plenty of sleep, so I usually don't fight it as long as he helps out with a couple of things around the house before he goes to bed.

[MarissaNicole]

This is what we've heard from the other residents, but we'll know for sure at the end of this month.

I know he'll sleep less when he has to start taking call next year, but I really don't feel like he has it that bad right now. He gets up early and works 10-12 hour days, but he goes to bed between 8:30 and 9:30 usually each night to get up at 5 or 6 in the morning, and he only works two weekends a month. He's so much less grumpy when he gets plenty of sleep, so I usually don't fight it as long as he helps out with a couple of things around the house before he goes to bed.

Yeah I'd say there is no reason he can't help. Next year post-call he may need a pass.

Don't be afraid to ASK for help. Especially when he has the next day off. And let him try before you go back to work so that he can get used to your routine.


Wife to PGY4