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And other moms of teen girls or teen girls-to-be 
I ran across this article today and I thought it might make us feel a little bit better:
I ran across this article today and I thought it might make us feel a little bit better:
Challenges in the Teen Years
Dealing with Sassiness and Other Problems
Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions
Q. My 16-year-old daughter is driving me crazy. She is sassy, noisy and selfish. Her room looks like a pigpen, and she won’t work any harder in school than absolutely necessary to get by. Everything I taught her, from manners to faith, seems to have sailed through her ears. What in the world do my husband and I do now?
The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to “just get her through it.”
A. I’m going to offer you some patented advice that may not make sense or seem responsive to the problem you’ve described. But stay with me. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to “just get her through it.” The concept is a bit obscure, so let me make an effort to explain it.
Imagine your daughter riding in a small canoe called “Puberty” on the Adolescent River. She soon comes to a turbulent stretch of white water that rocks her little boat violently. There is a very real danger that she will capsize and drown. Even if she survives today’s rapids, she will certainly be caught in swirling currents downstream and plunge over the falls. That is the apprehension harbored by millions of parents with kids bouncing along on the wild river. It’s the falls that worry them most.
Actually, the typical journey down the river is much safer than believed. Instead of the water becoming more violent downstream, it eventually transitions from frightening rapids to tranquility once more. What I’m saying is that I believe your daughter is going to be okay even though she is now splashing and thrashing and gasping for air. Her little boat is more buoyant than you might think.
Yes, a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse or other addictive behavior. But even some of them climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river. Most will regain their equilibrium in a few years. In fact, the greatest danger of sinking a boat could come from parents!
I’m particularly concerned about idealistic and perfectionist moms and dads who are determined to make their adolescent perform and achieve and measure up to the highest standard. In so doing, they rock a boat that is already threatened by the rapids. Perhaps another child could handle the additional turbulence, but the unsteady kid — the one who lacks common sense for a while and may even lean toward irrational behavior — could capsize if you’re not careful. Don’t unsettle her boat any more than you must!
I’m reminded of a waitress who recognized me when I came into the restaurant where she worked. She was not busy that day and wanted to talk about her 12-year-old daughter. As a single mother, she had gone through severe struggles with the girl, whom she identified as being very strong willed.
“We have fought tooth and nail for this entire year,” she said. ”It has been awful! We argue nearly every night, and most of our fights are over the same issue.”
I asked her what had caused the conflict, and she replied, “My daughter is still a little girl, but she wants to shave her legs. I feel she’s too young to be doing that, and she becomes so angry that she won’t even talk to me. This has been the worst year of our lives together.”
I looked at the waitress and said, “Lady, buy your daughter a razor!”
That 12-year-old girl was paddling into a time of life that would rock her canoe good and hard. As a single parent, Mom would soon be trying to keep this rebellious kid from getting into drugs, alcohol, sex and pregnancy, early marriage, school failure and the possibility of running away. There would be many ravenous alligators in her river within a year or two. In that setting, it seemed unwise to make a big deal over what was essentially a nonissue. While I agreed with the mother that adolescence should not be ushered in prematurely, there were higher goals than maintaining a proper developmental timetable.
I have seen other parents fight similar battles over nonessentials, such as the purchase of a first bra for a flat-chested preadolescent girl. If she wants it that badly, she probably needs it for social reasons. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest department store, and buy her a bra. The objective, as Charles and Andy Stanley wrote, is to keep your kids on your team. Don’t throw away your friendship over behavior that has no great moral significance. There will be plenty of real issues that require you to stand like a rock. Save your big guns for those crucial confrontations.
Decide what the nonnegotiables are. Defend those demands, but lighten up on lesser matters. That may indicate a willingness to let her room look like a junkyard for a while. Close the door and pretend not to notice. I don’t like lazy, sloppy, undisciplined kids any more than you do, but given the possibilities for chaos that this girl might precipitate, spit-shined rooms may not be all that important.
You have to ask yourself this question: “Is the behavior to which I object bad enough to risk turning the canoe upside down?” If the issue is that important, then brace yourself and make your stand. But think through those intractable matters in advance, and plan your defense of them thoroughly. Someday, when the river has smoothed out again, you may look back with satisfaction that you didn’t add to the turbulence when your daughter was bobbing like a cork on a stormy sea.
This advice is not relevant to every teenager. The compliant kid who is doing wonderfully in school, has great friends, is disciplined in his conduct and loves his parents is not nearly so delicate. Perhaps his parents can urge him to reach even higher standards in his achievements and lifestyle. My concern, however, is for that youngster who could go over the falls. She is intensely angry at home and is being influenced by a carload of crummy friends. Be careful with her. Pick and choose what is worth fighting for, and settle for something less than perfection on issues that don’t really matter. Just get her through it!
— Dr. James Dobson
This article was adapted from Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr. James Dobson with the permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Dealing with Sassiness and Other Problems
Dr. Dobson Answers Your Questions
Q. My 16-year-old daughter is driving me crazy. She is sassy, noisy and selfish. Her room looks like a pigpen, and she won’t work any harder in school than absolutely necessary to get by. Everything I taught her, from manners to faith, seems to have sailed through her ears. What in the world do my husband and I do now?
The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to “just get her through it.”
A. I’m going to offer you some patented advice that may not make sense or seem responsive to the problem you’ve described. But stay with me. The most important thing you can do for your daughter is to “just get her through it.” The concept is a bit obscure, so let me make an effort to explain it.
Imagine your daughter riding in a small canoe called “Puberty” on the Adolescent River. She soon comes to a turbulent stretch of white water that rocks her little boat violently. There is a very real danger that she will capsize and drown. Even if she survives today’s rapids, she will certainly be caught in swirling currents downstream and plunge over the falls. That is the apprehension harbored by millions of parents with kids bouncing along on the wild river. It’s the falls that worry them most.
Actually, the typical journey down the river is much safer than believed. Instead of the water becoming more violent downstream, it eventually transitions from frightening rapids to tranquility once more. What I’m saying is that I believe your daughter is going to be okay even though she is now splashing and thrashing and gasping for air. Her little boat is more buoyant than you might think.
Yes, a few individuals do go over the falls, usually because of drug abuse or other addictive behavior. But even some of them climb back in the canoe and paddle on down the river. Most will regain their equilibrium in a few years. In fact, the greatest danger of sinking a boat could come from parents!
I’m particularly concerned about idealistic and perfectionist moms and dads who are determined to make their adolescent perform and achieve and measure up to the highest standard. In so doing, they rock a boat that is already threatened by the rapids. Perhaps another child could handle the additional turbulence, but the unsteady kid — the one who lacks common sense for a while and may even lean toward irrational behavior — could capsize if you’re not careful. Don’t unsettle her boat any more than you must!
I’m reminded of a waitress who recognized me when I came into the restaurant where she worked. She was not busy that day and wanted to talk about her 12-year-old daughter. As a single mother, she had gone through severe struggles with the girl, whom she identified as being very strong willed.
“We have fought tooth and nail for this entire year,” she said. ”It has been awful! We argue nearly every night, and most of our fights are over the same issue.”
I asked her what had caused the conflict, and she replied, “My daughter is still a little girl, but she wants to shave her legs. I feel she’s too young to be doing that, and she becomes so angry that she won’t even talk to me. This has been the worst year of our lives together.”
I looked at the waitress and said, “Lady, buy your daughter a razor!”
That 12-year-old girl was paddling into a time of life that would rock her canoe good and hard. As a single parent, Mom would soon be trying to keep this rebellious kid from getting into drugs, alcohol, sex and pregnancy, early marriage, school failure and the possibility of running away. There would be many ravenous alligators in her river within a year or two. In that setting, it seemed unwise to make a big deal over what was essentially a nonissue. While I agreed with the mother that adolescence should not be ushered in prematurely, there were higher goals than maintaining a proper developmental timetable.
I have seen other parents fight similar battles over nonessentials, such as the purchase of a first bra for a flat-chested preadolescent girl. If she wants it that badly, she probably needs it for social reasons. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest department store, and buy her a bra. The objective, as Charles and Andy Stanley wrote, is to keep your kids on your team. Don’t throw away your friendship over behavior that has no great moral significance. There will be plenty of real issues that require you to stand like a rock. Save your big guns for those crucial confrontations.
Decide what the nonnegotiables are. Defend those demands, but lighten up on lesser matters. That may indicate a willingness to let her room look like a junkyard for a while. Close the door and pretend not to notice. I don’t like lazy, sloppy, undisciplined kids any more than you do, but given the possibilities for chaos that this girl might precipitate, spit-shined rooms may not be all that important.
You have to ask yourself this question: “Is the behavior to which I object bad enough to risk turning the canoe upside down?” If the issue is that important, then brace yourself and make your stand. But think through those intractable matters in advance, and plan your defense of them thoroughly. Someday, when the river has smoothed out again, you may look back with satisfaction that you didn’t add to the turbulence when your daughter was bobbing like a cork on a stormy sea.
This advice is not relevant to every teenager. The compliant kid who is doing wonderfully in school, has great friends, is disciplined in his conduct and loves his parents is not nearly so delicate. Perhaps his parents can urge him to reach even higher standards in his achievements and lifestyle. My concern, however, is for that youngster who could go over the falls. She is intensely angry at home and is being influenced by a carload of crummy friends. Be careful with her. Pick and choose what is worth fighting for, and settle for something less than perfection on issues that don’t really matter. Just get her through it!
— Dr. James Dobson
This article was adapted from Complete Marriage and Family Home Reference Guide by Dr. James Dobson with the permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Copyright 2000 by James Dobson, Inc. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.
Sorry, I don't mean to be negative, but it will get better eventually.
) but mostly for My convenience. I did get a pay as you go that was going to be for me- but since it's a cheapo phone maybe that's the best option- to let her use it. We'll have to see.... My phone is a little bit nicer... (I was going to let her use mine, and then I'd keep the pay as you go, but... I like the thought of a clean room!!!)
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