Dental School LDR Girlfriend

[alotofyarn]

I think it's more so that we can't know what the future will be. It'll take him 3 years to decide if he wants to specialize and spend 2 more years in school. Plus with my career, I have almost no idea what to expect. He just says we'll figure it out one day at a time. If I wasn't thinking forever with him, I would have backed out already. I just get worried that two people with all consuming careers can get separated easily. But one thing I realized over my visit, you two have to really love each other because at times that'll be the only thing keeping you together. He's my first and only choice, so I guess it is what it is.

As long as you're both willing to make sacrifices, it can work out. We survived my grad school and his med school so far. We've both sacrified plenty - equal parts with us doing LD, him having to find a job before he started med school when he was living with me in grad school, me trying to get jobs where he was in med school and residency, him choosing his med school and residency applications based on where I had better chances of getting jobs, etc. I think as long as you prepare yourself for these kind of things, it can work out. We've been incredibly fortunate that I got good jobs during his med school and now residency, but it did take a lot of creativity and networking on my part to really make it happen. Are either of us in our dream location? Not really, but we're together now, and that's most important, and we're making it work.

[FabulousEnding]

As long as you're both willing to make sacrifices, it can work out.

Unfortunately, the only thing getting sacrificed here is each other. I tried doing what everyone said and completely changed my language over the phone to something more positive, and there was an immediate change in the tone of his voice. It went from irritated to happy to be talking to me. The conversations never last more than 10 minutes at a time, and the sentences are never more than a couple of words. He's taking 30 credit hours in the fall semester, which is about 8 classes, and I can pretty much say goodbye to any weekend visits to see him until his winter break in December. He won't even be able to spend time with his classmates anymore. I'd rather be here and have a life, than be there and have no life... especially since I don't have him either way. It just seems like we're on the road to becoming strangers. But I don't want to be with anyone else.

[FabulousEnding]

Make sure you don't confuse priority and obligation/responsibility. I'm still DH's #1 priority..... but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere near the top of the list as far as time. Medicine is his #1 obligation and time suck, but its not his #1 priority in life.

Is there a difference? It's hard to tell when I'm reading too much into things at times. It seems like you dance on eggshells with someone in dental/medical school.

[diggitydot]

It seems like you dance on eggshells with someone in dental/medical school.

Yeah, I sure as hell didn't. But that's a different kettle of fish. We were married with kids during med school. You're in the REALLY early stages of a relationship with someone who is trying to figure out how the hell to survive in a tough new environment. It's a huge adjustment for both of you on several levels.

[MrsSz]

Make sure you don't confuse priority and obligation/responsibility. I'm still DH's #1 priority..... but that doesn't mean I'm anywhere near the top of the list as far as time. Medicine is his #1 obligation and time suck, but its not his #1 priority in life.

Mini hijack! Omg. You're a genius. I've always felt this way but didn't quite know how to articulate..

I don't have much advice to offer just big hugs!!

[WolfpackWife]

Agree, MN - I don't think it's unreasonable to continue to be a high priority for your SO (if not their #1) but with a healthy understanding that they are obligated to address their school/career needs first sometimes. DH can't just NOT study because I want to go out to dinner with him...school is his obligation. But when test day is over and we haven't really had any quality time together, I do expect that my husband makes me his first priority and luckily, he usually does. He wants to have that time to reconnect as much as I do. I have to disagree with Metroguy saying that whatever free time the SO has "needs" to be spent with study groups or alone - that varies for each person but if you're in a committed relationship with someone in dental/medical school - and the two are different, so dental school will be different from what most of us are/have experienced - part of their responsibility as a partner is to make time for you when they can. Allowing yourself to be the lowest of the low on the priority list is just going to make you miserable - if he's serious about you he should dedicate some of the free time he does have to reconnecting with you, it's up to you to understand that he's obligated to complete school tasks when there are school tasks to be done. Does that make sense?

Like DD said, the dynamic is different with relationships that are established...I, too, do not walk in eggshells with my husband. He's my husband - he wanted to get married as much as I did and part of that commitment meant knowing that he would have to find a balance between his schooling/career and maintaining our relationship as husband and wife. I also had to learn how to balance my expectation of what he should do versus what was realistic in terms of that school/life balance.