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Hi all,
I am not married, but in a long-term 6 year relationship with a second year resident that hopefully will lead to it if we both try. I am going to be 30 in the summer and he will be 34 then too, so we are not young kids. I am joining since I am in a weird spot like all of you have gotten into, While I have people who are well-meaning, they don't understand what it is like being in a relationship with someone medical. I think I need support from people who are going through this bittersweet part of life. I should have joined earlier.
My SO and I have been together 6 years as said earlier. We almost moved out of state for his residency, but we decided to stay where we are since he felt like it was the "safe" option. I was ready to uproot my nice engineering job and everything. When he was about to start residency here (where we both lived while he was in med school and earlier), I was unable to afford moving in with him as I was working a different job then though he was looking into it. That has since changed. I now am in a lease where I have to make a decision and so is he. I think it is time for us to finally consider moving in together.
For a little background on this, maybe this can help. He is in a residency that while one of "less horrible" ones but, he still works 60+ hours a week. I too have a very career oriented life in which I travel very frequently for my work as I work in automation engineering. The issue now is that he is being a commitment-phobe (though I myself have not given reason to be). He grew up very poor and with unstable family, so this is probably a large part. He only lived with his family and then lived alone. The biggest cause though is that I think he just isn't valuing the relationship.
I get texts and 5 minute calls, but we only see each other once a week for something on Netflix and I bring him dinner from the restaurant of his choice. We live in the same city less than 10 minutes away from each other. I make it clear to him that I am with him since I love him and am willing to stick out things with him if he is willing to at least try to make it work on his end. That is where I was thinking having us move in would help as what we are dong now living two separate lives can only work for so long when you live in the same city. We haven't spent any nights together other than when he is sick throughout the whole relationship for what were good reasons up until the last year. I feel like I have proven myself to be loyal, stable, and financially solid and have no interest in a status thing with him since that is shallow. I even understand being busy since I probably am too busy for most people anyway. He seems like residency and running now are the only two things he cares about and I am a chore. I want him to be healthy, hell I exercise 2 hours a day since I am getting into shape myself. He seems depressed as he has lost a ton of weight though he would never see anyone for it or take medication. He is obsessed with running. He is always fixated on making his run times faster as he talks about it all the time when he isn't talking about work. I feel like when he isn't thinking of work, he thinks of running and not us. I think if he spent half the effort of his running thing into our relationship, I would be happy and won't be on his case. If I am easing up on him, then we can both relax and enjoy each other much more as I will feel more secure and not a "chore".
I want to tell him that we need to start making steps to balance out the relationship and this time instead of arguing as we have been, lay it out for him in steps (doctors and engineers can agree on that). I want to tell him that everywhere, including something by the AMA itself by a doctor for residents all say to not scrimp on your loved ones when you can since when they are happy it helps you to be happy. I want to tell him that we need to start trying to spend one night together on the weekends so he can see I am not that bad to live with as I am very clean, tidy, and mindful of personal space. On his call nights, I will let him be and just stay at home. I just worry that he views it as I am invading his space. When I think after 6 years and someone like me, he shouldn't even be viewing it that way. I get that he is busy and tired as I live my profession equivalent. Is it unfair that he at least give me an idea of what to expect even within months instead of "someday"? I want things to work out, but I have to think: 1) What do I do on my lease? I am ready to move in, but he is now resisting. Why now? I can make any arrangements and put down any money the needs to be put down. I am willing to do what it takes to make it easy on him as long as he is willing to move forward. 2) Is he even really wanting this? He isn't a person who just says they love you all the time as he is private, but he is loyal. He says he still loves me and gets annoyed saying I am making him feel pressured. Honestly though, I think he has had it very easy as I don't demand much considering our time together and living close. I have hobbies and even take courses to help me with more engineering specialties. We need to grow because we have less and less time together which is making me have sleepless nights since I would be sad if he left my life since he is the love of my life and the best friend I have ever (and will) have. I would be content just knowing he is home honestly and if we talk, that's great and if not, that's ok since at least sharing a nice space is better than nothing. I need your help to see how to handle this successfully. I don't want to pressure him, but this relationship cannot be in limbo.
I am not married, but in a long-term 6 year relationship with a second year resident that hopefully will lead to it if we both try. I am going to be 30 in the summer and he will be 34 then too, so we are not young kids. I am joining since I am in a weird spot like all of you have gotten into, While I have people who are well-meaning, they don't understand what it is like being in a relationship with someone medical. I think I need support from people who are going through this bittersweet part of life. I should have joined earlier.
My SO and I have been together 6 years as said earlier. We almost moved out of state for his residency, but we decided to stay where we are since he felt like it was the "safe" option. I was ready to uproot my nice engineering job and everything. When he was about to start residency here (where we both lived while he was in med school and earlier), I was unable to afford moving in with him as I was working a different job then though he was looking into it. That has since changed. I now am in a lease where I have to make a decision and so is he. I think it is time for us to finally consider moving in together.
For a little background on this, maybe this can help. He is in a residency that while one of "less horrible" ones but, he still works 60+ hours a week. I too have a very career oriented life in which I travel very frequently for my work as I work in automation engineering. The issue now is that he is being a commitment-phobe (though I myself have not given reason to be). He grew up very poor and with unstable family, so this is probably a large part. He only lived with his family and then lived alone. The biggest cause though is that I think he just isn't valuing the relationship.
I get texts and 5 minute calls, but we only see each other once a week for something on Netflix and I bring him dinner from the restaurant of his choice. We live in the same city less than 10 minutes away from each other. I make it clear to him that I am with him since I love him and am willing to stick out things with him if he is willing to at least try to make it work on his end. That is where I was thinking having us move in would help as what we are dong now living two separate lives can only work for so long when you live in the same city. We haven't spent any nights together other than when he is sick throughout the whole relationship for what were good reasons up until the last year. I feel like I have proven myself to be loyal, stable, and financially solid and have no interest in a status thing with him since that is shallow. I even understand being busy since I probably am too busy for most people anyway. He seems like residency and running now are the only two things he cares about and I am a chore. I want him to be healthy, hell I exercise 2 hours a day since I am getting into shape myself. He seems depressed as he has lost a ton of weight though he would never see anyone for it or take medication. He is obsessed with running. He is always fixated on making his run times faster as he talks about it all the time when he isn't talking about work. I feel like when he isn't thinking of work, he thinks of running and not us. I think if he spent half the effort of his running thing into our relationship, I would be happy and won't be on his case. If I am easing up on him, then we can both relax and enjoy each other much more as I will feel more secure and not a "chore".
I want to tell him that we need to start making steps to balance out the relationship and this time instead of arguing as we have been, lay it out for him in steps (doctors and engineers can agree on that). I want to tell him that everywhere, including something by the AMA itself by a doctor for residents all say to not scrimp on your loved ones when you can since when they are happy it helps you to be happy. I want to tell him that we need to start trying to spend one night together on the weekends so he can see I am not that bad to live with as I am very clean, tidy, and mindful of personal space. On his call nights, I will let him be and just stay at home. I just worry that he views it as I am invading his space. When I think after 6 years and someone like me, he shouldn't even be viewing it that way. I get that he is busy and tired as I live my profession equivalent. Is it unfair that he at least give me an idea of what to expect even within months instead of "someday"? I want things to work out, but I have to think: 1) What do I do on my lease? I am ready to move in, but he is now resisting. Why now? I can make any arrangements and put down any money the needs to be put down. I am willing to do what it takes to make it easy on him as long as he is willing to move forward. 2) Is he even really wanting this? He isn't a person who just says they love you all the time as he is private, but he is loyal. He says he still loves me and gets annoyed saying I am making him feel pressured. Honestly though, I think he has had it very easy as I don't demand much considering our time together and living close. I have hobbies and even take courses to help me with more engineering specialties. We need to grow because we have less and less time together which is making me have sleepless nights since I would be sad if he left my life since he is the love of my life and the best friend I have ever (and will) have. I would be content just knowing he is home honestly and if we talk, that's great and if not, that's ok since at least sharing a nice space is better than nothing. I need your help to see how to handle this successfully. I don't want to pressure him, but this relationship cannot be in limbo.
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