I''m back in Southern Ohio. Ten weeks from now we''ll know if we''re going to move back to this area or to some other place. I''ve had an awesome time. If I''m truly honest, I''m struggling right now and I think my mom knows this. She has totally babied me this trip. One morning I was taking a bath at 9:30 in the morning, drinking coffee without a single thought where the kids were after watching the morning news on the big screen TV. When DH called I joked that I was leaving him for dear old mom.

I met my former college roommates in Cincinnati on Saturday night. We went out for drinks and dinner. Although I had a fabulous time, I had so many different thoughts.

First, I couldn''t believe how much we''ve all changed. Part of me has this fantasy that I''ll move back and we''ll all barbecue and sleep on each others front porches again like college. O.K. Maybe we won''t do quite that but we''ll be there for each other. The truth of the matter is that they live 45 minutes apart and rarely get together unless I''m in town. Two of them have become extremely religious and rarely do anything social with people outside of their churches. I had this wow moment: Dude you used to pee in the street after bar hopping and now you''re head of church education!

Second, we''re starting to look like ...we''re in our thirties. :! We have 10 kids between us and don''t have time or money to cater to ourselves like we used to. We''re starting to get fine lines around our eyes and we talk about our minivans. How did this happen?

Third, I had this weird "dawktor''s wife" moment. To put it all on the table, all of my friends are much more financially secure than I am and yet, I get the "Oh you''re going to be rollin'' in it" followed by the "I wouldn''t put up with those hours and that kind of moves". Of course, we''ve all had these moments of doctor''s wife mythology but this one was particularlly profound because these girls know me. I''ve known one of them since I was 5. Sure, I''ll just put my foot up DH''s ass and tell him to come home by 5 every night. That''ll work. Next, I''ll just start living the good life because, hey, we''re rollin'' in it. Yuck. Is this why dawktors'' wives all hang out together--because only we get it? I was especially bothered because they we''re like "You are doing all the work, I wouldn''t put up with that, blah, blah, blah". You could tell that there has been conversation about it outside of my presence. This put me in the awkward position of defending a lifestyle and my spouse when I''m con stantly chafing at the constraints it imposes.

It was great to see everyone. There is such intimacy in an old friendship, such history. Yet there was evidence of our growing apart.

I had a lot more experiences than just this, but I''ll stop here for now. Just to get this out of my system, my dad is unbelieveable. I honestly can''t get over what an out of control wanker he has become. Argh. That''s enough bad karma for one day.

**deep cleansing breath*** I feel better already.

Perhaps moving back home is a dream that needs reexamined.