Tonight was even worse. We went in for the 10pm feed. I decided not to try to breastfeed, but that I would try the bottle....I figured why put myself through more torture if he'll take the bottle...

Yeah no. He started sucking great. Then he spit up everywhere. Then when I offered the bottle again, he went apneic, hypoxic and bradycardic....to the point where he became dusky and everyone became very concerned. I've never seen him do that before. He's never stopped breathing before. I lost it....I tried hard not to let it look like it though. I feel really really beat down. Right now I feel like I don't want to do this anymore. I hope that I feel differently in the morning....

Today is "shittiest day ever."