I've avoided posting because I feel like most of it will just end up being an emotional vomit. I have some unresolved anger about my repeat C-section and all. I guess I don't honestly believe it was necessary eventhough Russ and my OB did. I'm happy with Kai and am glad we are all healthy.....but I really wanted a VBAC and now with 2 sections, I'm unlikely to get that. It still bugs me a lot some days. I'm trying to move past it though.

Kai is just awesome! I'm a little surprised at how scared I am to be a parent of 2!! My mom has been here for the past 5 weeks and just left yesterday. She was a HUGE help and I am soo thankful of my good relationship with her. She filled my freezer with food...kept up with the dishes and kept the kitchen and playroom clean (an enormous feat with Daegan the destroyer!)...and helped with the laundry.....and took care of Daegan at all hours! She really gave me time to just be. It was nice!

But now it's back to reality. And reality is that OKAPs are coming up in April and so therefore Russ has become a bitch. Somedays he is so good about pitching in and helping me out....I thank him specifically to try to encourage it....but other days he is a beast. He's unhelpful and critical of what I haven't done yet, etc. It's frustrating. "These OKAPs are the most important because they are for fellowship" or something or other. Whatever. I know that it's all still a competition, but come on. At this point it seems like splitting hairs... Besides he sounds like he already knows where he wants to do the fellowship and his PD has connections there and I think that's why he wants to do it there....it doesn't help that I don't want to go there. Whatever, I should know by now that this is not about me.

Daegan has been good so far....but does have his bouts of jealousy. Sometimes I think it's easier that I am nursing him still and other times it seems harder. Being able to nurse him and share that time together helps us reconnect and it helps me stop/avert tantrums and melt downs....but he's been wanting to nurse sooo much more often. I can nurse them together and Daegan does like that....he'll often tell me to go get Kai so they can both "get milk." Of course there are times he wants me to just put Kai down so Daegan can nurse alone. Sometimes that's possible, sometimes it's not. We are all learning some patience!!

My mom commented over and over again about what a "good baby" Kai is. I remember him being the same as Daegan was....eat, sleep and poop....but I guess some babies throw crying in there too.... She did also tell me what a good job I am doing with Daegan which was really reassuring.

Ugh....mama can't get anymore time....I wish Russ could just handle something on his own every once in a while.