"It's either an unusual presentation of something usual, or a usual presentation of something unusual" is how the conversation with my husband went this afternoon. Apparently, it really is unclear what the heck this is...which adds to the stress of the biopsy and ensuing oncology appointment. I hope it's an unusual presentation of something usual...and curable.

I've been up since 2am...and it's about 5am. I'm hoping that I'll be so tired that I'll just....not notice what's going on with the biopsy. I still don't understand why they don't routinely sedate people for procedures like this....a biopsy of the leg...I can understand not sedating someone...but the chest? Just the idea of this feels like torture to me. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear....

This all still seams so surreal.....I'm struggling to find any hope at all. My dh did 18 months of oncology before deciding on ID...and he used to tell me that "the young people die and the old people just get older and sicker"...now I can't get that out of my mind. I feel like the grim reeper is following me everywhere I go...and instead of imagining a future where I help counsel pateints facing this kind of a diagnosis, etc, I imagine my husband coming home alone....walking into our closet alone...moving on with life....I imagine how my children will respond to me not being here...

I don't know if this is a normal part of the grieving process for me or if it is a foreshadowing...and then I feel more frightened. They have a counseling group here for individuals going through this and I'm going to join.....