We had such a nice Christmas! Despite everything going on, it was a great day. The kids had a really nice morning. We did overdo it a little with the toys/gifts this year...and dh bought a dvd video player and we recorded it all...There was still snow on the ground and all of the excitment and enthusiasm that goes along with the rush of opening packages, squeals of delight and joyful voices ripping wrappers off of chocolate candies and candy canes. We were all on a sugar high for most of the day. Then there was the turkey, stuffing, gravy, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce....yummmm.

I was struggling so much to breathe on the 23rd that I got very little sleep...I contemplated just going to the ER but I was afraid that I would end up admitted to the hospital and I would screw up Christmas for everyone.....The 24th was no better. My dear friend came up from the cities and I was so exhausted from not sleeping, so swollen from the prednisone and struggling so much to grab a good breath that I felt embarassed. The mass is sitting on the heart and around the vena cava and I think that is what is causing the problems.

When my friend left, I told my husband that I thought we'd just have to give up and go to the ER because I was becoming alarmed...but he checked me out and said I was still 'looking ok'...and we decided to wait.

I'm glad we did. I went to the Christmas eve service with my mom at 5 and it was hysterical. During the prayers I was just not really paying attention to what I said...and I uttered "and give us each day our daily trespassess...huh? oops". We laughed so hard silently to each other that we nearly had to leave the sanctuary. For communion at this church you dip your bread into the chalice of wine. We were so busy laughing at my trespasses that she missed that tidbit....and tried to grab the chalice from the pastor to have a drink. The look on the pastor's face...and my moms was...priceless. It was so funny that again....we were reduced to tearful fits of trying not to laugh out loud in the middle of the christmas service.

When we got home, my two older children were devastated that they didn't get to go to the christmas eve service....so...I arranged to take them to a larger church for the 11pm service and my husband *gasp* willingly went with us. This is a big deal, because even though he is a catholic (I'm lutheran) he hasn't been to church really since we got married (except for 1 or 2 christmas eve services where he was forced and then I gave up). We all sat together and he tried to follow along...and sang.....and he took communion for the first time in 20 years. [Eek!] Then he sat with me and held my hand while we sang the final songs....

I honestly don't know where I'm at with my faith..I've become a more cynical person as I aged and I'm not a regular church goer..and I have a lot of religious doubts...but towards the end of the service, I found I was breathing more easily...placebo? prednisone? God? I don't know. But..I slept so comfortably through the night and barely had to be up on a wedge at all. I woke up with my face looking like I'd gained 70 pounds overnight (day 4 of 100mg prednisone, I'm sure!) but I was breathing comfortably...and was able to do so all through Christmas.

Last evening I struggled a little around bedtime, but was able to fall asleep and breath comfortably through the night.

My face is still terribly swollen (I'm horribly embarassed...I don't think I'll be going out in public much but my breathing is definitely improved. There is really no worse feeling than not being able to draw in in a crisp, deep breath of fresh air...the panic that it causes is horrible.

I start the rest of the chemo regimen tomorrow...it was delayed because of scheduling reasons...and I don't feel really nervous about it. I just want to get started with it...I want to take action. I'm concerned about the baby, but I have come to terms with the fact that the baby may not survive. That's an awful thought, but we've also been given plenty of reason to believe that there is hope that he/she will make it until it is viable enough to be born early.

I bought myself a cross-stitch baby blanket kid with the 'now I lay me" prayer on it.....and will start it tomorrow for the baby when I start the chemo....then when the baby is born, it can stay in the NICU with the blanket.