So...I'm having my own little pity party today. It started a few days ago but I just seem to be plummeting into..the abyss. The dread and fear of not being cured from this thing have taken over my life. To top it off, I find that despite being stricken with what should be a life-altering illness, I'm still online too much. I even considered registering for the Spring semester...then dh reminded me that I was going through chemo and radiation and would be having a baby in the NICU soon....

oh...

Is this really happening to me? How could this happen? I feel so devastated...so sad...so...not postive..and everyone knows that positive people have better outcomes...so I'm trying to force the positivity...laugh a little more...when all I want to do is sit down and sob until there's nothing left.

My daughter was singing 'the annoying song' tonight at the dinner table and we were all laughing at it..."I can't wait to teach YOUR children that song" I said...and it hit me again...please God...please let me be there to see my daughter graduate highschool...please let me be there when she walks down the aisle..and has her first child. Do not take this from me...do not take this from her.

My 6 year old refuses to go to school...he cries, screams, shrieks, rips his clothes off and hides behind furniture. It started before 'the illness' when he choked on something at school...but truthfully, since this came about, he has gotten much worse. He has even spent a morning crying and sobbing in the nurses office begging to go home to his mommy. We had a terrible fight this morning and I behaved absolutely horribly...because he refused to go to school, screamed, cried and had a fit. By the time he left for school, he, my daughter and myself were broken down in sobs. And all I could think of was that if I die....this is what they will remember of me.

I went to his school at 'work time' and stayed for recess and lunch. He was beaming the entire time. He told me he'll go to school every day if I just come for recess and lunch...because he was "so happy that I came there to be with him because he misses me so much".

How can I leave him?

My oldest child came home from school and then hugged me "Mom, it feels like I haven't hugged you in ages"..he's so grown up...will I get to see him grow into a man?

My 2 year old clings to me...will only play blocks with me, will only let me read to him and cut his hot dogs.....he cries hysterically if I leave to go to the store.....what if there is a day that mommy doesn't come back?

It is unbearable to me. It is impossible to be positive...it is impossible for me to focus on what my oncologist said was an 80% plus cure rate sometimes. He DID say that...he DID....but I read online and I find rates as low as 38% or 58%...and then I break down into hysterics.

My husband tells me that it 'could be worse'. I know it could...I do. He is treating a woman my age who was diagnosed the same day that I was with a horribly aggressive leukemia...she is critically ill and her prognosis is poor. She has 3 small children...He also is currently treating a 42 year old father of 2 little boys with renal cell carcinoma that metastasized to the spine. It's bad...it's all bad. It's horrible.

I mourn for these people and their families. It is awful..it his horribly unfair..and then I feel guilty that I have a much better chance at surviving and even being cured.....

But I feel so tortured...I had an awful itch during the night a couple of days ago and I dreamt the cancer had metastasized. I woke up several times that night...wishing I could change my dream....wishing this all was just one bad nightmare.

I have pleuritic pain now as well as some shoulder pain. My dh says it's all from inflammation from the tumor being attacked....but I keep wondering if I'm getting lung infiltrates or things are getting worse...even though I'm breathing better. Every twinge makes me worry...anytime I can't catch my breath I want to run....away....and all I can do is wait. Wait and see if my x-ray in 2 weeks shows that the tumor has shrunk..wait to see if the treatment is working...wait for more chemotherapy...wait.

I'm just not a strong person, I guess.

And who do I talk to? I feel silly posting about such personal things now ...I can't share my feelings with most of the real people around me..except for my dh who is as overwhelmed and sad as I am...I feel like I'm now the accident that people drive by slowly to have a look at...but then gladly accelerate past.

I don't know how to find a therapist...I read through the entire phone book yesterday, but what are you supposed to do? Pick someone who has a nice...name?

I know tomorrow will be a better day...I know that I felt badly yesterday evening and that today was better...I'll feel better again....I just have to find a way to get my emotions back under control..