I felt so upbeat after my appointment on Wednesday, and then for some reason yesterday, I just crashed. I know I shouldn't get online and read about bad outcomes, but I did....and then I started feeling a real sense of dread and hopelessness.

The hardest part about going through all of this is the 'what if'. Most of the time, I can live in a state of denial, really. I keep myself busy with the house and the kids and try and keep things as normal as possible...but there are these moments where I get a glimpse of the potential seriousness of this illness.

I keep falling back on the 'bad luck' thing. I don't tend to be very lucky...I really thought that he would say that they weren't cured because of their age or inability to tolerate chemo or something that I could point to and say "that's not me"...but bad luck?

I have tried to remind myself that my life has had plenty of 'good luck' in it...even the early diagnosis is 'good luck'..the good response so far is 'good luck'...the fact that I was in the second trimester 'good luck'....but the overwhelming sense that I am struggling to push from my mind is that getting something like this in the first place is kind of...bad luck...and getting it while pregnant. Hmmm...really bad luck.

I still struggle with episodes of shortness of breath ... and the doctor tried to assure me that it couldn't be the lymphoma. "The lymphoma is shrinking, it is not lymphma related"....BUT...I had this problem when my chest x-ray was NORMAL...when the tumor was just beginning to grow. No ammount of reassurance of the neurotic nature of my symptoms will convince me now that my shortness of breath is anxiety. Last time we thought it was psychological we discovered the lymphoma.

I have started to realize that this is how life might be for a long time for me...with me wondering if the 'tingling in my toes' or the shortness of breath or...whatever the 'symptom' is...is a symptom of something larger. ..and it feels really frightening. I am going to have to learn how to adjust to that so that it doesn't drive me nuts. Last night, I laid in bed and just wanted to run away from myself....if I had been able to physically get up and run away from my body and my worries, I would have. I felt...claustrophobic.

I understand too that this is a normal part of all of this....it's 'normal'...it's just a bad feeling to have.

I guess the good news is that I really am starting to find my center...if that makes sense. Nothing really bothers me anymore. When I went for my u/sound on Wed., I wasn't in the computer. The intake people were beside themselves with upset and made a huge deal out of it...they ended up with 3 people hovering over the computer and I just finally said "in the grand scheme of things, this is no big deal. I'm happy to come back another time guys".....and really...it isn't a big deal.

A friend of mine was late for lunch today because she went to a different restaurant. Truly, stuff like that isn't even on my radar anymore! If she had gotten into an accident, it would have been on my radar...but...late for lunch? You have to be kidding me. Why sweat the small stuff?

I also feel myself slowly being able to let go of some of the baggage I've been schlepping along with me for years. It's not worth it...

Thomas and I were talking about how this wasn't supposed to happen now...we're supposed to be experiencing the 'light at the end of the tunnel', not hitting the train head on....but really....as much as this has been a 'bad' thing, it has been a good thing too....It has brought me closer to my family, I'm starting to really feel more grounded than I ever have, and our household is happier......