Three years ago, we had our family picture taken when we went to pick out our Christmas tree. It was bitter cold, and the breath of the person taking our picture actually..whited me right out of it. The entire family was there (with little Aidan in his car seat) but my face was covered by a fog of white smoke. The picture still gives me the chills. I thought it was a bad omen.

I wondered if it meant that I wouldn't be there next Christmas Rolling Eyes...and the next year, when our pictures came out great, I couldn't help but reflect on my bad feeling the year before! "See, I'm still HERE...it was nothing more than a feeling" I said to myself.

Last year, as I approached the ripe old age of...35...I had that 'bad feeling' again. It helped me to realize that I'd had plenty of those 'bad omen' type feelings before and it had always been nothing...I got hooked on the song "Live like you were dying" .... I had the CD on auto-repeat in my car and listened non-stop. I told Thomas that I was worried that something was terribly wrong with me. He helped calmed my fears..."you're just a hypochondriac...you're fine!". I guess he forgot the first rule of medicine...crazy people can get sick too meanie


Everything really seemed to fall into place for us though...we sold our house, went on vacation, got pregnant, moved into the new house...all of the pieces of our life seemed to be fitting together and I got that ... uncomfortable feeling again.

I tried to put my bad feelings aside. I distinctly remember thinking about how scarey it was to not know what the future held...how long I had on this earth, if I would become ill and from what. I contemplated a lot of 'big' questions and then finally put it all to rest. I decided that I couldn't control the future and that I was letting my worry about what *might* happen eat up the present.

Then this train hit us. The irony doesn't escape me. I finally decided that I was going to live until I was 100, that I was ruining my life worrying about whether or not something was going to happen to me and that I was just going to LET it GO....and when I finally did...I got sick.


It makes me wonder how I will manage the uncertainty that is sure to come with the next several years of my life. I think I've gotten past the whole shell-shocked new diagnosis phase...moved through the grieve about it phase...and now I'm wondering how to make life 'normal' again.

I'm a worrier by nature...I am having difficulty waiting for my March 14th MRI...I can't help but be riddled by "what if" thoughts despite having seen several x-rays that all showed that the tumor is now a shadow of itself. I know the treatment is working, and yet...what if...is in the back of my mind.

Then there is the radiation. Radiation to the chest can result in secondary cancers like leukemia. It's uncommon, but possible. Then there are two years of 2-3 month oncology appts for CT's, MRIs or x-rays.....that is a lot of uncertainty for this neurotic nut case to deal with.

I wonder if people who go through these experiences ever really feel 'safe' in their own bodies again?