Thud....

That's where I was at this weekend. I hit a psychological wall and have been trying hard to bounce back and find my balance again.

After my last treatment on Friday, I just sort of assumed that life would be different...I have been through so many changes over the last several months and have gained insight into so many things that I think are important. Despite the treatments and uncertainty, I had found myself feeling more positive, hopeful and strong than I ever had before. Many of my thought processes began to change and I assumed that my life "after cancer" would be one in which I was enlightened and self-actualized.

It came as a bit of a surprise to me then that I was feeling depressed....not just depressed, but really out there. The situation with my neighbor was a catalyst for this, but certainly wasn't the cause. I found myself crying, rageful and downright scarey in my inability to cope with the situation.

In many ways, I feel like I stepped out of my life for this past 6 months. I don't really fit into my old life, but I don't know how I want my "new" life to be.

I see the damage that has been done to my family. My marriage is suffering immensely. We spend too much time now by ourselves...even when we are home together. He watches his shows downstairs and I sit upstairs online or with the baby. The kids all do their own things too. We all live in this house but ... not together.

My 2 year old cries if I look at him cross-eyed and has been allowed to consume way too much Nickelodeon, my 7 year old completely ignores me if I tell him something and leaves the house to go to friend's now without permission or telling me where he is going. My 10 year old daughter....well, let's just say that the pre-pubescent situation that existed before the cancer issue has snowballed into behaviors appropriate for the TLC Movie of the Week and my 11 year old spends day/night either on the gamecube or online.

These are all changes that happened because we were less attentive and available. We let things slip because both Thomas and I were so emotionally and physically exhausted at times. They are all things that will take time to fix..and I'm beginning to realize that physically being finished with treatments is now just a stepping stone to recovery for both me and the family.

The emotional "side-effects" of facing my own mortality and the pregnancy during it all have blind-sided me. I have sort of had a mental "to-do" list where I have checked off each milestone as I hit it.

Chemo...done
Baby...done
Radiation...done

Done, right? Wrong.

Life is precarious. Life is uncertain. Life could be over before I am ready. I could die and leave my children without a mother. Life is unfair. Bad things happen that can devastate my family.

I struggled with shortness of breath again yesterday. It has been months since I have felt unable to catch my breath and it was terrifying to me. Though I am certain that this is a side-effect from the radiation, it unnerved me all the same. In the back of my mind I couldn't help but wonder that the last time I felt 'short of breath' it was the beginning of this fight. I don't want to become paranoid about my health and worry that any time I can't 'catch my breath' that the cancer has returned, but I can't help it. Is this is part of the "new normal" that people talk about?

Intuitively I know that because I just finished radiation the cancer is gone and the likelihood of being cured is very high. But life IS uncertain, bad things DO happen...and my life is forever punctuated by the knowledge that it is important to live each day as if it were my last.