I'm going through my "I don't give a shit" phase. Shocked Maybe I'm just depressed or feeling overwhelmed, but it is shocking to me to suddenly feel so cynical and angry. I have very little tolerance or patience for other people and so for the most part, I am avoiding my phone or purposefully getting together with friends or acquaintances...I'm afraid that my negativity now could end friendships or reflect poorly on me....I can't muster up the energy to even pretend that I'm interested in problems like "what should we name our puppy, I got a B in ochem, or my husband has call this weekend and it's so unfair". I wish I could be interested, but I'm not.

Come to me if there is a true crisis and you need comfort and help...otherwise, I suggest you discuss your puppy with a friend who cares. Shocked Isn't that terrible? I realize that these are important thoughts and problems for the people around me and ordinarily I would want to discuss them and the meaning of life endlessly (as my long distance phone bill can testify), but now...I am painfully silent...I can't bring myself to talk about my own grief and struggle. There are simply no words.

I feel so overcome by grief and sadness that I don't know what to do with my feelings. I can't seem to articulate them (hence the failure to update my blog) and as a result I am an emotional wreck. I am up one minute and down the next...and most of the time I feel like I'm barely hanging on but I don't know why.

My marriage feels like it is falling apart. Funny how we were able to survive residency and fellowship (ok, the fellowship part was a just barely) but now we can't find a way to come together and talk without screaming and swearing at each other regardless of who is around. Our kids have heard the "D" word on multiple occasions, and have been subject to screaming, raging fights almost daily. From my perspective (the important one, of course Mr. Green ) he just doesn't "get it". I know that he was affected by this whole trauma, but now that he has convinced himself that I'll be cured he just wants things to go back to how they always were...and my life just isn't the same...it never will be.

I asked him to take time off because I desperately need some down time together as a family. He did...and this has meant that every day he sleeps in until almost noon and then wonders when things are going to get done around the house (clean the kitchen etc.). Never mind that I am taking my 11 year old to summer school by 8am (he doesn't need any extra help, but wanted to enroll because his teacher from this year is teaching it. Half of the summer school students for 5th grade are from her class.). Then I take my daughter to swimming at 9am, my other son to swimming at 10am...and pick up my 11 year old at 11.30. I do this all with my 2 year old and newborn in tow.... I do more when he is sleeping in than he does all day long!

I ask him for time together and it's like I'm expecting too much. If I'm being fair though, I'm not asking for what I need because I don't know. I want him to be able to read my mind and know that I need him to sit with me without talking, put his arms around me and let me cry for no apparent reason....I need him to intuitively be able to anticipate my feelings and ‘know' what to do...and that's not going to happen, of course...because even I don't know what I need.

So instead, we fight about everything...the laundry (I beg him not to do it because he just stuffs the machine full with everything no matter what the fabric or colors and then he 1. leaves stacks of clothes to be folded in baskets in the kitchen and 2. ruins clothes), the kids (I feel like he undoes/undermines every disciplinary action that I take)...you name it.

I'm a stranger in my own home. I feel like crying all of the time. I feel so sad that I can't stand it. I just want to run off with the baby by myself and spend time marveling over her.

I'm sad because I'm significantly overweight and instead of losing weight since the baby arrived, I have gained.

I'm sad because my dream house in my new neighborhood feels tainted by my neighbor and her craziness. Most recently, she resorted to throwing her metal deck furniture over the deck 10 feet to the ground below and then ran around her yard swearing (our girls had another run-in and she was angry because she felt she had to "f-ing babysit" in her backyard). My dad was visiting and he asked her to tone her language down and the result was more swearing and hysteria which included her screaming "we were here first, just move". She then paraded neighbors through her backyard and complained about us. I got this under control by reigning in my dad and stepmom while they were still here (both hotheads extraordinaire) and by waving/smiling at her. Interestingly, our girls have already made up and are playing together.

I'm sad because I can't stop thinking about the baby that died. Every time I hear "Bad Day" by Daniel Powter I feel like I am drowning in grief. The song kept playing on the radio while the mother was sobbing "No, Please God, No" as they tried to stabilize his little body for transport and I can't get it out of my mind. In my memory, the song just loops again and again. I wish that the little boy had not died.....I imagine the grief that the mother is still feeling and I ache to know her...so that I could comfort her in some way.

I'm sad because my chemo buddy (we did 4 of 6 chemos together and have ironically known each other for 4 years and were diagnosed with lymphomas within weeks of each other) has relapsed already and is preparing for a stem cell transplant. I visited him in the hospital this weekend and I had this awful feeling that he isn't going to make it.

I'm sad because I have this awful fear that I'm not going to make it....even though I have a very high possibility of being cured. It's silly for me to even feel this way given the high cure rate for my disease. There are people out there with much less optimistic prognoses. Yet every ache, every physical phenomenon that I notice makes me feel frightened.

My grandmother got a real kick out of the time that all of the numbers on the clock were the same: 3:33, 4:44 etc. She would always point it out to me and I remember her even waking me up when I visited in the summer to tell me "Kristen, look, it's 3.33". Lately, every time I look at the clock it is 1:11 or 11:11 or 2:22...and I can't help but think that she is sending me a message. For awhile, I worried it meant that I would be with her soon...then I saw a double rainbow a week ago....It was literally two individual rainbows one on top of the other...and I could see the rainbows from start to finish. I decided that that was a hopeful sign and that my grandmother was telling me things would be ok. Every day I look at the clock now and feel her with me.

We have decided to go on our regular vacation to WI early this year. Usually, we go at the end of the Summer (and we may still go in August as well) but tomorrow we are heading out and will be gone until Sunday. Hopefully, this will provide me with some of the relaxation and emotional healing that I need.