It's so funny, but the radiation oncologist called Thomas yesterday just to tell him that the scarring and damage is "not" radiation damage. In his opinion, it isn't "linear" enough. It has to be "something else".



I don't know why he has such a personal investment in this not being from the radiation. This is the same guy that told me when I went in originally that it was all in my head...then claimed that the symptoms that I had couldn't be from the radiation because I "didn't get enough to cause damage" etc. I was told Friday that those symptoms could have indeed been caused by inflammation and the ongoing scarring process after all. My chest pain and difficulty exercising might not go away....

This doc just refuses to submit to that and I don't get it.

Basically, he told Thomas

"This is not radiation damage"

"What is it then?"

"I don't know, but it isn't linear and radiation damage is linear"

"The area seen is exactly the area where she had radiation"

"It isn't from the radiation"

"What other kind of injury/insult would cause this amount of damage/inflammation to the lung?"

"I don't know...just not radiation"

ummm, ok. What other damage was I exposed to in just that lobe/just that area where I was radiated over the last few months?

I've decided this guy is just an idiot.

Medicine is such a crap shoot, too...and it is so surprising to me. Yes, diagnosis is often done by a process of exclusion...I get that....but it is still surprising to me that one picture could result in so many different conclusions and opinions. I also understand that radiologists are under pressure to not miss something and so they tend to possibly....over-do it on the differentials. But with this last CT, I sort of felt like I could have come up with that huge list of differentials myself .... There isn't anything too difficult about saying what something "could be"... Hey, I can get on google and come up with conclusions like that. It would seem to me that the purpose of having someone who is trained to look at those would be to narrow down the scope. Maybe I'm missing something?!

It could just be that people just don't want to miss something because I'm a colleague's wife. The problem though is that they're kind of over-doing it and creating a lot of frenzy and anxiety that doesn't need to be there. There are advantages to having your spouse be a part of the hospital where you're being treated...and then there are...distinct disadvantages!

Enough of the complaining.

I got a wonderful compliment this last week and I'm really feeling good about it. A friend of mine here is struggling with post-partum depression and new mommy anxiety. We've been getting together almost daily to walk together because she's so out-of-sorts. She told me that I am "good for her" because I'm so relaxed about everything. She said that she realizes that all of the struggles she's having as a new mom will be ok when she sees how relaxed I am with my children. The way that she said it really made me feel good about myself.

(Of course, she hasn't seen the 'crazy shrew mommy' that I can be sometimes :> )

She was asking me for advice about breastfeeding/sleeping etc. She had asked so many different people for opinions and had gotten so many different answers that she was completely confused. I just stopped her and said "You can ask 5 pediatricians for advice and get 6 answers. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you. I know you don't feel like the expert here, but you are...pay attention to what your gut is telling you and then do that. It honestly doesn't matter what anyone else would do. We all make different choices and then end up spending years justifying those choices to ourselves and others....sometimes we become intolerant of other people's choices. Take time to find out what will work for you and trust yourself."

I feel good about being something positive for someone else.

It does highlight for me how I've changed over this last year. I really, really try not to *sweat the small stuff* anymore....so many things just don't even bother me at all. I am more relaxed about a lot of things and it is also due in part to the fact that I really don't care that much about what other people think anymore of me or my parenting, etc. It just feels better to be relaxed and positive. Yes, I have my down moments and still some negative moods or times, but in general, I just feel stronger and happier and...my moods have really evened themselves out. I like the changes that are taking place...I feel like a stronger, better person.

Kris