I have had a tremendously busy week, with something that I need to do every day. I honestly don't remember a week where I had so many things that *had* to be done..from band concerts to dentist appointments to tours of the prep school for my 6th grader...

Tuesday, the kids put their boots out for St. Nickolaus. Or...St. NickoKLAUS, as my daugther says. Dh's brother's name is Klaus and she has never really been able to figure out that Nickolaus isn't Nickoklaus

Alex put everyone's shoes out by the front door and Nickolaus filled the shoes...only to discover that the family dog decided to eat the chocolates right out of them. So....Nickolaus move all of the shoes to the laundry room



In the morning, Alex got up and came down the stairs and lept towards the front door. There was nothing there. He tried not to look disappointed, but thrust his hands in his pockets and sauntered towards the living room. I could read his mind: "maybe Nickolaus put the shoes in the living room?" Nothing. He held it together and came into the kitchen and was searching about but trying to hide his curiosity from me. Then he peeked into the laundry room and discovered the shoes. He glanced over to see if I had caught him. Satisfied that I didn't know, he crept in to have a look before everyone else. I grabbed the camera and took a picture. I didn't use a flash because I didn't want him to know that I saw...I love this picture even though it is quite dark.



The other kiddos got up and around and came into the laundry room to gather their loot:

My *goth* girl


Andrew, who said "Look, Mom, can you tell St. Nickolaus that I want the Chamber of Secrets game for the Game Cube? You can buy it used at Game Stop for $6.95. When I looked surprised, he said "Come on...I KNOW that Santa is real...but St. Nickolaus? That's you?" Does my 12 year old still believe in SANTA? (you'll have to rotate your head to see...I'm too lazy to fix it! )



Alex:


Aidan and Zoe:

YES, this little boy IS a handfull, in case you're wondering!

and of course a pic of my little Zoe on her own:


The crowning glory though was my trip to St. Paul on Wed. to help Kelly get ready for her upcoming move. I spent most of the day there and had a blast.

Kendall spent the visit neckade running about with Aidan...and the excitement included a bath together after an unfortunate...acccident. Kendall is one tough cookie, but Aidan gave as good as he got! Pictures are of course posted with the permission of Kelly!



Kelly in the kitchen:


The week ended with an Internal Medicine Christmas party last night. I have to admit that I was kind of dreading it...and it turned out to be a wonderful time! The people that showed up were all down-to-earth and played instruments. We literally sat around and sang christmas carols while one of the med spouses played piano...we also listened to some of the docs and their children play violin, guitar, mandolin.....It was wonderful! I took voice lessons for 5 years and sang in various choirs for about 9....and it has been years since I've sat around with a group of people and enjoyed singing and music. I had such a nice time!

I don't have a picture of me from the evening...but I can be fairly sure that I looked...ok. I put on my Christmas party attire complete with jewelry and make-up and as I was getting ready to leave, Aidan kind of gasped "Mommy...You look like a LADY". Wow...I might want to consider fixing myself up more often!

The weird irony of the evening is that I ran into the first med spouse that I met when we were interviewing here. She was one of the people that made me feel like moving here..kind, down-to-earth and funny. She and I were also diagnosed with cancer last year right at about the same time. She had breast cancer and has gone through chemo, radiation and a mastectomy as well. We pretty much looked at each other and said "wow....long time no see...and WHAT a year, eh?". It was nice to make that connection again.

And weird.

They live on 50 acres in St. Cloud and now I'm busy convincing dh that we need to find 50 acres too! I want to build a house directly in the middle of it all! The only neighbors I hope to have are squirrels.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted after such a full week!

It's been stressful for me as well. I never thought that I'd get all neurotic about upcoming PET scans, but...I'm there. I've been waking up at 3am worrying about my Dec. 27th PET. I've gotten myself so worked up about the what if's that I've nearly cried. I found myself bargaining with God last week: If I can just have 10 more years....5 aren't enough..Amanda would only be 15...but 10? She would be old enough to help raise Zoe and Aidan.

Where is this coming from? DH and I are feeling the stress even though in all likelihood the scan will come back completely clean. Last weekend we had a horrible fight. We were talking about his mom...I was upset that she had told me that if my treatments had been unsuccessful, she would have taken Zoe and raised her as her own and...that Zoe would be so young she wouldn't have even remembered me. It had really, really upset me when she said that! Thomas said though that if I die that he will send Aidan and Zoe to live with his mom. He was serious...and I became hysterical. We started fighting about the 'what if' and he basically said that if it comes to that I'll have no say.

I left the house crying and called my mom and begged her to take legal action against Thomas so that the kids stay together in the US....and Kelly said she would fight as well.

All of this....and the scan will certainly be clean...

The real irony about the scan though is that it is planned for Dec. 27th...the 1 year anniversary of the day that I started chemo.

Everytime that I can't catch my breath I cringe "my God, it's back"...bubble in my side? Can't be gas...must be lymphoma.

I went off of my diet and experienced more weight loss...must be b symptoms I decided to go with it and got back on my diet and lost nothing...(Yeah...not B symptoms)....went off my diet for the holiday party (ate a LOT of yummy yummy things) and lost a pound when I stepped on the scale this morning (gasp...could it be B symptoms). I've lost 30 pounds now total (Yeah!) but it's taken me forever because I lose some and then test myself by going off of my diet....etc. It's crazy.

I need to get a grip.

The holidays are stressful for me this year because last year on dec. 15th I was discovering that I had lymphoma...the entire christmas season was tinged with a "will this be my last christmas" feeling.

I am here. I am alive. I am so blessed....and my life is really, really good right now. I feel more centered and happy to be at home right now. I've been cooking from scratch...making new dishes and sauces and treats for my family...the house is clean...things are all in their place.

Life is good. I need to let go of my fear.

Kris[/quote]