I had a really interesting experience yesterday. DH had the afternoon off and so we took Aidan and Zoe and went out for lunch....Afterwards, we went to spread our *yuck* germs at the local play area in the mall. Aidan seemed to have rebounded and was fine and it didn't really occur to me until later that he had been feeling so lousy and was under the influence of tylenol. Ahhh, what a desperate mom will do to get a few minutes to talk with her hubby.

Of course, dh went off to Caribou and left me watching the babes on my own. A mom about my age sat down and started chatting with me. She is also a sahm but lives in the town that I've been harping on moving to (about 15 minutes outside of the twin Cities). I asked her what she was doing in St. Cloud and she said "well, I headed out to a furniture store near here and then..well....since I have nothing else to do I thought 'what the heck...why not St. Cloud'". Scarey how our lives kind of mirrored each others. I certainly understand the empty hole that can swallow up a day when there is no schedule to give us direction.

She has two boys that she adopted from Columbia and is in the process of adopting another....their last. I told her about how Jenn had adopted from Russia and that her "labor and delivery" story was simply incredible...wanting to acknowledge her experience as an adoptive mother. I told her how great it was that she had given her boys this chance at a wonderful life.

She looked....insulted.

Obviously, it's better to say nothing...at which point, I fear many people would interpret as indifference or judgement. I realized that I had put my foot in my mouth. She did not understand what I meant or the intention of my comments.

We stumbled past that and she filled me in that what she loved about adopting from Columbia is that she got to follow the progress of the pregnant mom and ensure the health of mom and baby throughout the process. Adopting a healthy baby, she admitted, was very important to her.

She then asked me if Zoe was 6 or 7 months and remarked on how incredible it was that she is pulling herself up already. "She is 10 months old" I said. "Oh, MY. She is little". I added that she was born ~ 7 weeks early but really seemed to have caught up.

Pause...

Was she mentally trying to figure out if she was stepping all over my issues after going on and on about having a healthy baby?

"What did you say her name is?"

"Zoe"

"oh....."

I started wondering if she had seen the newspaper article about our family and was putting it together. Did she feel that my daughter would not have been adoption material? I didn't really know what to say. More silence.

Life is so complicated with all of the issues that we carry around with us.

We had a nice conversation...tiptoing around the issues of prematurity and adoption and settling instead on MN.

I asked her if she liked where she was living. "No, it's just too inclusive. It feels impossible to break into. You should stay where you are." It must be a MN thing.

Thomas came back with the coffee and pointed to his watch. "We have to go home..Alex will be getting off the bus in 15 minutes."

We said our good-byes, did the "maybe we'll run into each other sometime" thing and took off.

I wondered later why I hadn't just handed her my phone number....I'm sure I'll never run into her again. I thought about telling her my name...giving her my number....Funny how two strangers can talk about issues like struggling with infertility or lonliness....but ultimately don't feel that they can take the risk to reveal themselves or risk that offer of friendship.

More drive-by intimacy, I guess.

I realized later that I am not ready to reach out right now. I'm hurting right now in ways that are very difficult for me to both express and cope with. Just as I could not have known what the right or wrong thing was to say as she shared about the adoptions....she could also not have known what our last year was like....and really...no one can...and it isn't fair for me to expect that.

But I feel let down by the people in my life...in a compelling way...that makes me want to move and leave no forwarding address. My mother feels free now to brandish her own tough love everytime she calls to complain about the job that she's been complaining about for 5 years. My father no longer calls and if I call him, he's usually busy....again. I had my 6 week follow up with my OB when Zoe was ~6 or 7 months old. Yes, it was late in coming..but...we needed time to settle.

He hasn't seen me since before Zoe was discharged from the NICU.... He ran into the room and began talking before he seemed to realize that he was seeing me. He stopped himself mid-sentence.

"kris....." pause "kris...I meant to thank you for the chocolates and christmas card. I was going to go to world market and get you some marzipan (YUCK...so glad he didn't :> ) but i didn't have time". He was having a busy day...He did the exam in 30 seconds flat and stood there kind of wanting to say something but not sure of what to say and it was obvious that he was busy.

"hey, quit standing around", I joked. "You have patients to see...out, out so I can get dressed". And he was gone.

After all that happened.....I am the only one left with the wounds that need to be healed. Maybe I shouldn't have ushered him away, but I know that the docs need to stay on schedule...and I felt that I was rescuing him from having to say anything....

I found out that the source of all of the leaks about my healthcare crisis had been my old OB.....Jodi....The one who had said to me "Kris, you can tell me anything. I promise that I will keep your secrets".

Betrayal.

Our before cancer friends still aren't our friends. Our during cancer friends have gone back to their lives.

Thomas and I struggel to even face each other some nights...opting instead to fight or do things separately. He works later now.....I spend most of my days alone...wanting to connect with him again, but not knowing how. I can't allow myself to be vulnerable...can't face the pain that this last year has brought.

The kids are all struggling because of the new changes in our home. There is distance between all of us...and some nights we don't speak to each other until with relief I finally say "bedtime".

No one wants to go to bed....we all seek a connection that none of us know how to make right now.

Things seem to cycle between being better and worse....and I feel like I am a lightning rod for my family's connectedness...and emotional stability. This is a scarey thing, as lately...I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I have more of the shortness of breath...coupled with chest pain...I find myself gasping for air again sometimes and I have been drawn back into the terrifying fear that I will become a statistic. My children will grow up without their mother...I will miss out on their lives. Instead of embracing them and holding them tighter, I am running away....terrified of losing my family...of things never...ever....being ok again. A normal chest x-ray assures me that with 99% likelihood, all is well and we are dealing with radiation damage issues...but...I feel torn apart.

It is not supposed to be like this. The "new normal" is supposed to be different. We should be embracing each other more, appreciating each day...not fleeing out of grief and fear.

More drive-by intimacy, I guess.


kris[/quote]