Lightbulb Moments.

This weekend has been full of them.

I have spent a lot of time doing soul-searching and trying to figure out why I have had this personal low moment. My journey led me to some old friends at a forum for lymphoma patients that I haven't visited with much recently. Here I was thinking that my anxiety, depression and complete preoccupation with my health this past week was pathological...I expected to be told that I needed to see someone or get on some more powerful meds or something.

Instead, gentle hands reached out through cyber-space to let me know that everything that I'm feeling is completely normal....even 2 years out....totally acceptable. When you are facing a cancer diagnosis and are undergoing treatments, there is not much place for dealing with the emotional fall-out. It's important to be positive and not let your emotions overcome you. For me, the 6 months or so of treatment were about putting one foot in front of the next. My family and friends were grieving while I was having chemo. They were working through their emotions while I was doing everything I could to keep strong and march forward. A lot of people do that. It's a way to survive.

When my treatment was finished, I didn't have the chance to really sit down and process/grieve the experience. I had a baby in the NICU, my marriage felt like it was on its last legs, my kids needed attention and Zoe had her own developmental issues that we were concerned about. Our concerns for Zoe continue to be ongoing. We will probably always be overly concerned about her. There wasn't a moment where life stopped enough for me to be able to say "holy SHIT!" I had the support of a terrific therapist, who I credit with helping me keep my head from exploding while I put out fires and tried to slowly process things despite the fact that life just seemed to keep....happening. I am very lucky that I had her to support me through the toughest of times. She retired last year though and accepting that has been hard. It's another thing to grieve on top of all of the other losses in the last two years....and another loss that I really didn't process because I just haven't been able to give myself the attention that I need to. To me, it is a significant loss. This is the person who saw me at my most vulnerable...probably the only person who saw me cry over it...feel helpless...angry...lost...and who helped me to keep positive and on the right track. I never had the chance to say good-bye to her because our schedules were so different. I am grieving the loss of a relationship that was significant to me.

When I had my 2 year (from the time of diagnosis) scan, I was really in shock. Two years. How did that happen? Here I was doing my best to get everyone through it and it felt like I completely missed my own opportunity to grieve...and people pretty much make it clear either through their silence or their outright expression of their opinions that it is time to move on. Interestingly, even scan day was full of the stress of renovation, Halloween and moving into a hotel at the last minute. Life doesn't stop for cancer....but somehow, I missed my socially acceptable window to deal with my feelings. Since everyone else in my life already put this behind them, I'm supposed to have done it too..at least that's how it feels.

What I never saw coming was the ongoing pulmonary issues that I would have...the stress surrounding scans or the side-effects of medicines used to treat different ongoing problems.

How do you march on with life as usual when you are being dragged down by additional challenges. That's hard.

I was so surprised to get messages from people about their own experiences with fears of relapse and struggles with ongoing health issues. One woman with whom I share a similar diagnosis, wrote to me that a couple of years back she had developed bad bronchitis...and that she began feeling shortness of breath...and became terrified. She admitted to me that she had also had a very ummm...entertaining emotional week.

Phew! I'm actually normal.

In closing, let me say how thankful that I am for those of you who took the time to contact me via PM, email or by phone...or who took my hysterical midnight phone call to give me a much needed boost and pat on the back. Thanks for letting me be vulnerable and not feel foolish about it. I feel like I'm in a much better place emotionally and I owe a lot of it to you for your caring and compassion.

I think that I have found a really good place to personally begin to work on my feelings. I'll probably be more scarce here. I need to get offline and spend time focusing on the new mom's group, my scrapbooks, my family and myself...not necessarily in that order though. You all won't be far from my thoughts though.[/quote]