I can't believe I've nearly let two weeks go by since updating my blog....again. I'm just having a tough time keeping all of the balls in the air right now.

My Anatomy test turned out pretty good. I ended up with a 94, which was a high grade for this particular exam. It finally began dawning on me why I have clung to returning to school and trying to reconnect with a more ... intellectual ... part of who I am after studying so much to try and do well. Through the years, I feel like my self-esteem has really declined. I reached a point where I didn't believe that I was capable of much anymore... It probably sounds silly, but this has even filtered into my social relationships. My overwhelming feeling of inferiority has negatively affected my ability to even relate to other women.

This class has been a great way for me to realize that even though my energy has been focused on my family and less academic endeavors that I am still capable. As a result, I've started to feel more relaxed and confident in other areas of my life. That has been really good for me. Even if I never end up going on to professional school of any kind, I feel like going back to school this semester has helped me emotionally.

I don't think that I can ever go back now though to being 'just' a stay-at-home mom. I love my children and I love being a mom. At the same time, I also realize that the only person who is going to take care of my needs is ... me. I got tired of listening to myself complain about being bored, lonely or frustrated. When other people complain to me repeatedly about the same thing, I usually end up saying "So...what are you going to do about that?" ... but I couldn't apply it to my own life. I think I allowed myself to be stuck for a long time because I felt like working or being away from the kids made me less responsible as a mom. Though I have always envied and respected working moms who could manage it all, I didn't think I could...and who knows...maybe if I took on any more than one class, I couldn't!

I love being outside of my house for a few hours two mornings a week. Guilty confession? I wish I could be outside of the home more often. I love having something else to think about besides laundry, dishes and my husband and children's needs. I spend much less time now ruminating about academic and social issues for my kids. It's not that I don't care, but I'm not so hyperfocused on these issues because my life is a little bit more full. I can still address the issues, but....they don't feel so overwhelming anymore. On days when I have class and lab, I come home more rejuvenated. My house is cleaner, I'm more patient. In general, I just feel better.

Kris