I made a promise to myself that I was going to update more regularly after the new year, but I just haven’t had the motivation to really catch up yet again! Writing in my blog has always been a really positive thing for me…even if I’m feeling down in the dumps and just need to vent…but life has just been too hectic.
I feel very contemplative lately, but just don’t seem to have the ability to nail down exactly what’s going on in my mind. I have a lot to write about tonight, so….grab a cup of coffee (or something stronger! LOL) and settle in for the update.
First…friendship….It’s something that I’ve really been struggling with lately. I have mentioned before that I went out with a group of girls for awhile last year. I considered these girls to be close friends. We kind of dubbed our little gaggle the “cackling hens” because we spent every Wednesday laughing at just about everything. Things fell apart (as they sometimes do when women get together) and I kind of let things go for awhile. I didn’t know how to handle the issue of the girl who asked me to cheat and take her exam and some of my hurt feelings, so I felt that distance might bring me perspective. In the meantime, one of the other girls called me. She expressed how hurt she was by some of the things that had taken place and a desire to set the record straight for herself by talking to the girl in our group she had felt closest to. I ended up encouraging her to do what she felt was best for her, but added that I just didn’t feel up to the task.
Ultimately…the two girls talked. It led to wild accusations, unfriendly messages on my telephone answering machine, some nasty emails…and then…to a more conciliatory tone where one of the girls and I basically ended our friendship in a nice way. We were honest with each other….but ultimately also kind about what was good about our relationship. It was just hard…and…I still feel sad about losing what I thought was something special.
That sort of dovetails into another relationship issue. I started to become friends with someone whom I’ve actually known for years…my internist. She’s someone that I found to be caring and compassionate and I think…I probably put her on a bit of a pedestal because she was the one who diagnosed me with lymphoma. She took my breathing issues seriously last year, and I guess I just appreciated her help so much. I probably…tried too hard with that ‘friendship’. It just felt so important to me. I don’t know if there was a little transference involved or what, but I really liked her and hoped so much that we could become friends. I wanted her to be able to count me as a friend and I think I sort of saw her as a bit of an older sister in a way. In retrospect, I think I tried too hard which made me feel awkward. It was so stupid and I feel so embarrassed about it now.
It’s silly to let something like this get to me but I can’t help it.
I’ve had a lot of time to think about it all this week because I’ve had a house full of sick kids. We have had the stomach flu running rampant through our house. Zoe got sick on Tuesday and is still ill. Aidan and Amanda both threw up and then moved on. I had one of my most embarrassing moments ever Fri. night. I went to a party at a neighbor’s house and the flu hit me all of a sudden. I was talking to the neighbor one minute and the next…I was overcome with waves of heat and nausea. I told Thomas we had to leave and then managed to get outside of the front door before starting to throw up. I threw up all the way down the drive-way and part of the way home…walking in the snow…with snow in my shoes, my coat unbuttoned and hunched over. Oh, Man…it was awful. I slept all day today and have been up for hours now taking care of Zoe who has had some signs of recovery and then reverted back to vomiting. I studied for awhile for the new classes I’m taking (Medical Terminology and a Biology Readings class) and now…I think I’ll lay down and try and get a little sleep.
Tomorrow, I promise to get all of my holiday pictures loaded for something a little more upbeat!