Plan B by Angela DeBernardo

I remember the exact moment that I abandoned the show “ER”. In the episode, a family came through the hospital after experiencing a terrible car accident. Mom and Dad were dead on arrival. The whole show, their two newly orphaned children sat in an exam room. They were unharmed but in shock. The older boy and his sister, dressed up for a holiday dinner, clung to each other and asked quietly over and over to see their Mom or Dad. Eventually, Nurse Hathaway gently told them that an aunt was coming to get them. That was it for me. No more. It hit a little to close to home.

I have two young children myself. A boy and a girl. Moving around for my own education and my husband’s medical training has kept me far away from family for a long time now. My children don’t have daily contact with aunts and uncles. They see their grandparents a few times a year when we can scrape together the cash (and vacation time) for a visit. Although we have made friends in every town we’ve inhabited, we’ve lost the close bond after moving away. If my husband and I died in a car crash, who would come collect my children? How would they feel being hustled off to a new town with a relative or friend they knew only casually? It’s a horrible thought – and it has led me to Plan A. I will not die. Ever.

Of course, that isn’t a realistic option. When you are a parent, you have to be responsible. Part of that involves creating a safety net for your children should anything happen to you. It’s an ugly process for most. Imagine. You are gone. Your children are alone. Who will care for them? Will they be able to afford it? Will they make similar choices? Most of all, will they love them? How do you take care of your children from the grave?

Choosing a Guardian

All parents need to establish a guardian for their children. This can be accomplished simply with a computer software package such as Quicken WillMaker or Suze Orman’s Will and Trust Package. You can also do the whole process online at Legal Zoom for less than 60 dollars. These options will help you set up a simple will and specify who you want to care for your children in the event of your death. If you have a more complicated estate, investing in an estate planner or lawyer is a good option.

There are some important things to consider when you select your child’s guardian. First, choose an individual. Marriages do dissolve. If you have named a couple and they divorce, the court will decide which of the two partners gets your children. It might not be whom you want. For example, my husband and I have named my brother and sister-in-law as the guardians for our children. My sister-in-law also happens to be one of my best friends from high school. When I went away to college, she kept on visiting my family and before I knew it she’d married my brother. I couldn’t ask for a more ideal situation for my children. Now, my brother and his wife are on the rocks. If my children were orphaned, a court would side with my brother. It wouldn’t be clear that I had chosen this couple in large part because the wife was a good friend. Blood trumps friendship? Who knows? It’s best to spell out clearly the one individual that you would most like to see raise your children. In fact, it’s probably a good idea to name two in case your first choice is unable to serve.

Once you’ve made the decision, talk to the person you’ve selected. You don’t want the transition to play out like a scene from the movie “Baby Boom”. Make sure they would be willing to raise your child for you. Tell them about any assets or life insurance that would pass to your child. Some parents even write out a letter with specific wishes they have about the children’s future. These are not legally binding – but they do let the guardian know what you might have done. There is a down side to this approach. Sometimes, a guardian may feel guilty if their life circumstances do not allow them to fulfill all your plans. It’s best not to be too specific. It is also possible to name a guardian for the children and name a separate person to handle the assets that pass to the children. This might be a good idea if the parent figure you choose is loving, but not so responsible financially.

Insuring for the Future

Every parent should also consider life insurance an essential item. Life insurance is relatively inexpensive when you are young and healthy. To keep costs down and provide your children with a financial safety net, go with a term policy. Since the money will be used to care for your children in your absence, get as much as you can reasonably afford. We went through SelectQuote and had a great experience. After a short telephone interview, the company found policies for both my husband and myself costing under $40.00 a month. A physical exam was scheduled at our home and completed the next week. After overnighting the paperwork and the first premium payment, the policy went into effect. In contrast, we had also met with a local insurance agent. He provided us with lots of information but the meeting took over an hour. Ultimately, his policies were twice the cost of the policies quoted by SelectQuote – for the same companies and benefits.

Keep in Touch

I still worry that my children don’t have enough support in their lives from other adults. I wish that we could live closer to family – or at the very least make good friends nearby to share the burdens of parenting. I hope that we have not sacrificed that in our many educational moves. Now that we are settled and more financially stable, we have been able to nurture our relationships with extended family and we have even met a few other families here that are in the same situation. Looking back, I wish I had done more when my husband was in training. It would have been impossible to travel more financially – but phone calls, letters and weekly emails with our far flung family would have helped set the stage for stronger relationships. It would have taken effort on my part, but it would have been time well spent.

Ultimately, I hope to never use my life insurance or call my children’s guardian in to service. I still get chills when I think of that ER episode, but that was the point, really. We all get chills when we think about our children alone in the world. Having a Plan B in place has helped calm those fears – but I’m still sticking with Plan A.