I think this is why I probably started a blog anyway...so, if you're not in the mood for a negative, pity-party post, you should stop reading here.

I am exhausted. I am scared. Most of all, I just keep thinking, "is this how it's going to be for the rest of our lives?". DH is working right now, gets off at 9 (in theory - that would be now and he's still working), then driving to get closer to Boston because he's afraid to fly, then driving all day tomorrow to complete the trip to Boston. He'll be there for almost a week, and I'll be alone with the kids while he whittles away his vacation time at a conference that I can't even join him at. I'm almost 35 weeks pregnant, and have been having tons of contractions over the last few days. For once, I want to feel like time with the kids and I is a priority over providing for us.

Then, I'm conflicted because DH is going to the conference because he was elected to a prestigious position that requires his attendance there. I'm proud of him - this is part of what we've worked for. This morning, as he was leaving for work, I totally broke down and literally couldn't stop crying. He offered to stay here, but then I feel like I'm being selfish if I say yes to that. The driving doesn't help because it increases his time away by two days, but he basically has PTSD about flying (it's a long, weird story), which is apparently much harder to treat than most causes of fear of flying, so for the time being, he doesn't fly commercial. And again, I feel guilty because I'm angry that he doesn't just suck it up. I know that's not fair, but I am terrified to go through another delivery, and I'm doing that! Anyway...

I think it's finally wearing on me that I don't really know anyone here. My family is way closer, but so is DH's, and they are all in the middle of a huge blow up, which is very uncomfortable for me. I have great friends in Ohio, and I miss them. I don't know anyone that I can call and say, "take my kids for an hour, I need a break." I miss that. I am so overwhelmed with what I need to get done before this baby arrives that I'm becoming paralyzed. Moving while this pregnant, helping DH navigate a new job, and being alone with the kids while I'm not feeling well is apparently just too much.

I am so tired of the medical lifestyle. The only place I can turn to for understanding is here. DH's family basically expects money from us to help with his Grandma's expenses (because we're rich, of course), while at the same time we're looking for new insurance and had the privilege of listing our net worth at -300,000 dollars, give or take. I really just feel like every time we take one step forward, we take two steps back, in so many ways.

To top it all off, between the move, my kids' ages, and DH's new job, the kids are becoming more dependent on me, when I need them to be less so. I'm trying not to pick them up because in a couple weeks I won't be able to, but it's so hard. I just feel like everyone wants something from me, and I just want a day to myself. I'm actually looking forward to being in the hospital!

Alright, I think I'm done with my verbal spewing for the time being. I'm hoping for a good night's sleep so I can just pull myself together in the morning and feel better. Thank goodness for you guys!