This is me complaining

[Bittersweet]

OK, so a little about myself. Well, I’m 27 years old and in my second year of law school. I have been married to my best friend for the past 6 years who is in his second year of med. school. I have two dogs who simultaneously drive me crazy and manage to preserve my sanity. Finally, I’m convinced my family is absolutely mad, but I love and miss them more than anything. So, that’s basically me in a nutshell.

Just to lay it all out from the start, I think I’ve done the wrong thing going to law school. What is worse is even acknowledging this I feel nothing more than paralysis. Really, even if this is more than a passing doubt what really can I/should I do? I’m already half way finished, I’m doing well grade/rank wise, I had a kick-ass internship last summer and another one lined up for this summer. It seems silly to quit now and I don’t know if I could take the hit to my pride knowing that everyone else would assume I flunked out. Plus, I have no clue what else I would do with myself. I’m just kicking myself for not thinking the practicalities of this through more thoroughly before starting.

(Now on to the husband blaming portion of my post) On the other hand, I don’t think I would be having these doubts if it weren’t for DH’s career choice. In a world without a future residency, I wouldn’t have to worry about taking the bar in every state known to man or trying to find a job in a local currently unknown to me. Meanwhile, as I try to force myself to research and write a stupid brief, I can’t help but think - eff this, maybe I’d be better off dropping out and filing an application at Dairy Queen. At least then our combined income would rise above $0.

Well, that was all doom and gloom. Oh well, it feels good to get it off of my chest.

[Bittersweet]

OK, my love of procrastination has officially extended all the way from the real world to my journal activity on this site. I’m going to try my best to update this on a semi-regular basis.

On the procrastination front, I have screwed myself over big time by putting off a project that I should have tackled over Christmas break. Now, I’m forced to start out my semester in the worst way. It's a craptastic mess and I only have myself to thank. But for the sake of my sanity, I’m trying to put off (see I’m doing it again) blaming myself and am instead going to blame the law school organization I joined that gives only one credit hour per semester yet requires a shitake load of writing/work. Clearly they MADE me procrastinate (sarcasm).

Despite being absolutely devoid of any productivity, Christmas break was fantastic. It was great to spend time with my family. I truly miss living near them! It’s difficult because I know I probably won’t have the opportunity to live nearby for many years. Theme of my life: I’m trying not to think about it.

Over break, DH and I spent nearly two weeks at my parent’s house with the dogs. Unfortunately, the pooches were absolutely hideous and acted ever bit the spoiled brats they are. Such bad behavior included darting out of the house, going to the bathroom in the house once , and for the grand finale … eating a whole bowl of Ukrainian Easter Eggs while unsupervised. Oh, but these weren’t any old decorated eggs. Each Easter we (my mom, sister and I) each carefully blow out and decorate one egg each and then keep them all in a glass bowl in the kitchen (they really are pretty and unique looking). Its been a longstanding tradition. Isaac (my once “chill” lab) probably ate 5 years worth of eggs after knocking the bowl off of the kitchen counter. To add to matters, he expressed his appreciation for such a delicacy by throwing up in the house. It is a good thing that my mother is such a dog freak, otherwise I think Isaac’s open holiday invitation would be terminated.

Melissa

[Bittersweet]

So, apparently I don’t sleep anymore. This is quite annoying as, despite my wildest desires, I have more to do during the day then nap and watch TV. I don’t feel particularly stressed, so what gives. My nocturnal nature is no longer able to be suppressed I guess. How freaking annoying.

Goal for this week is to get a haircut. I haven’t had it cut since Aug. and it shows. I have such problem hair that I honestly dread dealing with it. It is super thick and wavy/kinky. More like horse hair than human hair. As you can imagine, certain cuts can spell disaster. In fifth grade I had it cut into a bob which ended up mimicking a triangle. The only thing that saved me (and my self-esteem) was that it was a time period in which big hair was in. Unfortunately, big hair isn’t as hot now, so a cute bob is off the table.

Riveting reading I know. What can I say; life isn’t so interesting right now.

Melissa

[Bittersweet]

In about two hours I am leaving for Las Vegas. It is part wild Spring Break and part school related (boo). Luckily, DH is coming with me for part of it, so that will help make it more enjoyable.

So, the school related part is actually an ABA Moot Court Competition and I am not looking forward to it at all. I have severely worked myself into a lather over it and, frankly, I have other things to think about…like my classes. I think what mostly bothers me about it is the fact that I hate competition and conflict. Since my school sends two teams the competition feels a little bit closer. It doesn’t help that the other team is cut-throat and comprised of two part-time students who live and breathe for moot court. My team on the other hand should be named “over-extended.” Both my partner and I live for our grades not moot court and are both taking a super heavy class loads this semester. We are not a good combination. To make a long story short, it is going to be ugly!

Anyway, for once I am going to try to not let my negative feelings and stress ruin what could otherwise be a fun vacation. Here’s hoping next time I write I’m seriously less stressed and not grinding my teeth at night.

[Bittersweet]

Well, I’m back from Las Vegas and what a trip it was. The tournament ended up better than I had expected. My partner and I advanced to the semi-finals which was great, but not nearly as impressive as it sounds. Still, all that worrying and hand-wringing for nothing.

The most exciting part of the trip had nothing to do with the tournament, but did affect it greatly. We arrived in Vegas and of course I could not resist the evil call of the clubs and the giant overpriced frozen drinks. Everything was going well, but on Tues. night I had a mean side ache and I couldn’t shake feelings of nausea. I thought it was a funky hangover…it wasn’t. Long story short, I spend my entire Wed. in an urgent care and later the emergency room. Yes, lucky me, I went to Vegas and got kidney stones. What are the freaking chances? Thanks to hydrocodone (sp?) I was able to argue in the tournament on Thurs. without crawling on the ground. Anyway, I’m feeling much better now, but I am still horribly bitter for having to miss Cirque de Soleil on Wed. night.

Poor DH is fairly stressed right now. He has a test on Fri and for some reason he is putting way more work into studying for this one. I have no clue why, but I don’t want to press him. It is unfortunate, when I’m super busy he’s not and visa versa. Oh well, it is at least nice knowing he is downstairs even if his head is in a book. I’m really looking forward to spending some relaxing time with him on Fri, though.

[Bittersweet]

Dh left today for a month. Even though the school itself isn’t exactly located in an urban hub his med school feels it is important for their students to really experience rural medicine. Right, because nothing encourages rural medicine like sending students alone to follow a family practice Dr. in towns composed of 1,000 people. So, DH is currently living in a hospital (literally) in a tiny town that boosts the world’s largest fiberglass pheasant. Who knows, maybe he will come home with the attitude that he simply must practice medicine in the middle of a corn field (P.S. that would be vetoed). I will of course miss him, but it is probably a good time for him to be gone. I have finals coming up, so in theory I’m hoping I’ll be less distracted. I’m not holding my breath.

In other news, in the past couple of weeks I’ve made a lot of plans for myself. It is my last year in school, probably forever, so I’m going to take advantage of the one time in my life when I feel justified to toss good sense aside. In Aug. a group of friends and I have decided to go to Russia. I love to travel, but I’ve never done the whole youth hostel thing, it should be an experience. I’m going with some very seasoned travelers and I’m grateful for that because I’m well … not. Then in Jan another group of friends and I have organized a trip to Italy. I’m probably going to be broke as hell because of these trips but you only live once…right?

The decision to take these trips has brought up some interesting discussions in my household. It is difficult because DH simply cannot go with me. I would love, really love, for him to be there but his schedule just doesn’t allow for it. So, the question then becomes whether I forgo because he can’t go. My stubborn self can’t embrace the idea that I should skip these opportunities because he chose a difficult path for himself. But the second I even wrote that down I felt guilty and selfish. We are married after all, we’re supposed to be a team, I just don’t want to be the player that is constantly on the bench waiting. I don’t know. My hope is that I’ll find some sort of balance between being independent and being supportive. I haven’t found it yet.

[Bittersweet]

Well, this week has royally sucked and it just keeps getting better. Yes folks, this morning I fell down the stairs and broke my foot. Which is just especially awesome considering DH is of course still gone. So, I have the pleasure of caring for both dogs, studying for finals and packing to move for the summer, all while crawling up and down the stairs of our house. All and all, this is going to be a glorious experience.

Luckily, I’m feeling fine. I honestly didn’t think I had broken anything. After what I’m sure was the world’s most graceful fall, my foot hurt a little bit but certainly not what I expected a broken bone to feel like. Here’s hoping I continue to have little pain because I still have a lot of studying and packing ahead of me.

Right now, more than anything, I miss DH. Until this happened I was really, truly fine. Actually, as awful as it sounds, I was kind of enjoying my alone time. I caught up on my reading, was getting a lot of work done, etc. Now I just want to see his face. Plus, it would be nice to have someone in the house who feels sorry for poor dear me. God knows the dogs don’t.

[Bittersweet]

A lot has happened since I last posted. Big surprise considering it has been months since I last updated.

This past week I started my last year of law school. Time flies when you’re having fun -- or something. Overall it has been a great experience and I’m going to miss the dear friends I have made. Reading the first post in my blog, I can’t believe I was ever so negative and unsure about my chosen career path. Personal lesson from my previous entries, for me, stress = general negativity. Who knew?

This summer DH and I did the long distance thing for awhile. In hindsight, it was probably for the best. He was studying for Step 1 and I was working long hours. I can barely stand myself when I’m overworked. I won’t even mention the exorcist like behavior I exhibit when disgorging some of my stress. Let's just say, there was a moment during my first set of law school finals that I threw a cooked pizza at him, frisbee style. He didn’t need another pizza incident. I did miss him, though.

This summer I worked at a largish/medium sized law firm. I had moments when I utterly, completely hated it. Think crying in the bathroom hate. Yet, there were moments where I was loooving life at the firm. I mean, hey, I had my own office…with a door and everything (swoon). It was a schizophrenic existence that by August I had grown accustom. In fact, I ended up ditching my trip to Russia to work an extra week. I know, say it with me: LOSER.

End of story, the firm I worked for offered me a job last week. I was thrilled. Enter confusion and general unrest. I would, without doubt, take the job if it weren’t for DH and the looming match. I don’t know – it doesn’t seem right to take the job knowing that that I would most likely leave after only one year. I think I’m going to have to decline. But I’m terrified that one year from now I’ll be jobless and resentful. Can you tell that I’m confused? If someone else would like to make the decision for me, that would be super.

[Bittersweet]

Re: This is me complaining

Crap, DH isn’t around and I can’t sleep. I don’t so much mind being physically apart from him – it is the utter lack of communication that is driving me insane. I hate wondering if he is dead or just held up at the hospital. Mostly, I’m annoyed with myself for sitting around and waiting when I should be sleeping. Surgery sucks and I’m a baby!

On the job front, I got a judicial clerkship. It is just in state court but I think it will still be a great experience. I really liked the judge I interviewed with and I'm excited about the location. Really, it is just a relief knowing exactly where I will be next year.

[Bittersweet]

Re: This is me complaining

I’m firmly in winter break and am enjoying the heck out of it. I can’t believe it but this is my last winter break! Oh, how I’ll miss having absolutely nothing to do for four straight weeks. DH isn’t quite as lucky, but he was able to take off all of next week. It will be nice having him around.

The only thing marring my lovely break is the dreaded grade wait. I drive myself insane checking online for my grades approximately every twenty minutes. Ugh, hello professors don’t you know you have neurotic students waiting on pins and needles for their grades – get on it. :tsk:

On Sat. DH, the dogs, and I will be heading to my parent’s house for Christmas. I’m excited to be back in my hometown. I’ll also be meeting DH’s bestfriend’s new fiancé while they are in the area on vacation. She is probably gorgeous and svelte and I’ll feel dumpy in comparison. Where’s the special potion I can take to lose 15lbs by Sun.?

DH loving his 3rd year. I’m happy that he is happy. When we met ten years ago (yikes) I never dreamed that this was in his future. He was “just” my laid back computer geek/mountain man. I was concerned about how he would fare making the switch back to fulltime studenthood. I think by now it safe to say that he has made the transition from software engineer to med. student with relative ease.

I’m proud of him, but I find myself bracing for (what I feel is inevitable) mega burnout. All through med. school, including this year, he has been consulting for his pre-med. school job. The extra money rocks, however, he can’t keep doing this. The previous two years it wasn't really an issue. Now, I’m worried sick – he needs to reserve his off time to recharge and, hello, sleep. His previous hobbies are gone. While I know that this isn’t a choice during residency, it doesn’t need to happen now. If he has time to work on top of med. school than he has time to pursue the things he enjoys. Plus, he’s gained 50lbs since the beginning of med. school. His health isn’t worth the extra cash. Next week, when he is not working , we’re going to have a serious talk. Merry Christmas to him, just what every man enjoys…a nice serious sit-down talk, the poor guy.