360 degrees of craziness

[Amiens]

So I have a blog already- 360.yahoo.com/mattfowler_md, but it would be cathartic to add more here.

So dh, being the great guy that he is, actually listened and put into play a suggestion of mine. A few months ago I mentioned to him that I would love more than anything in the world than to have a good night's rest uninterrupted by the three chou-chous, and to wake up when I wanted to next to my hottie hubby without the sound of pitter pattering little feet or knocking on the door added with screaming "I am hungry." I got my wish. For the first time in 5 years (Emma turns 5 next month), we spent more than 2 hours away from the little bambinos. Matt found a single co-worker to stay the night with the kiddos, and we came back the next afternoon. It was heaven waking up next to my spouse and being able to snuggle up to him like we did when we were newlyweds. For the first time also, we stayed in a swanky hotel. In retrospect we wished we had shipped the children off to someone elses house, and slept in our awesome comfy bed. No bed is as comfy as our bed.

Everyone keeps asking us if we felt wierd leaving our children behind for that long, and I hate to say it, but NO! At first I felt like a bad mom, because I didn't get worried sick about them, and didn't cry as we were leaving; but then I realized it's ok. I actually came back a happier mom, because well, frankly I didn't have to share my husband with my kids, and had his undivided attention. We did talk about the kids for a few minutes over dinner, and then Matt said that was enough, this was our time. Something we haven't had in a long time. We also usually talk "shop." It was nice to put aside medicine and kids for 18 hours, and not have those things right in our faces like it has been for the last 9+ years. It wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be to not have conversations centered around medicine and children. It helped me realize more than anything that he is still my best friend. It was actually nice to debate with him on a few political discussions- public Christmas displays (ie- the Seatac airport bruhaha), and celebrity issues, and he said he missed debating with me.

[Amiens]

I just don't get it, maybe someone can explain this to me. This will be probably one of those things that falls into the "dawkter's wife" category. :>

So, I was invited again to the annual CRNA/doc spouse Christmas cookie exchange. I went last year hoping to make some friends, spoke to a couple of people, but everyone works together and is very chatty with one another talking about work and what not. It was the same again this year. I felt like the social misfit. I went again this year as one of the CRNA's her daughter loves to play with Emma, and her hubby is also an orthopod. Anyway, I made a comment to the hostess and to another gal, who's hubby is a partner in the anesthesia group (so essentially 3 spouses of docs), about how I was really impressed with how clean her house was, and how when she commented the last time our girls played that her house was a disaster, and this was not so. The hostess talked about how her hubby cleaned and the cleaning ladies cleaned, and then the other gal started in on about cleaning ladies. I had to just stand there nodding my head like "uh-huh, oh yeah I know exactly how you feel with the work of a cleaning lady." All the while I am thinking "what the hell??!!!! Am I missing something???? I don't have a cleaning lady. Get a grip, you don't need a cleaning lady. Oh yes you do, these gals have cleaning ladies. No you don't!!! Just smile and nod."

I felt very much out of my element. Someone please send the bus my way, and remind me I don't need a cleaning lady.

Crystal

[Amiens]

Grrr.... I need to rant really bad. My kids just won't get it and of course thanks to the end of the year deductible broohaha Matt is working long hours.

Ever since last night I have been a grouch concerning my home. I really want it clean, but I don't think getting a clean lady will help me. Maybe if I sell my children, but then I would miss them and the joy they add. I guess I wish that the 4 of them- dh included would pick up their *@$& stuff! I am so sick of our carpet in the dining area- the nasty condition of it cannot be helped due in part to three kids, one of which is learning to feed himself. I am so tired of finding bananas, crackers, and other crap on the carpet. Not to mention who knows now how many gallons of juice, milk, water, spaghetti, fruit punch have spilled on the stupid carpet. WHO in their right mind puts carpet in a dining area??!!! The previous owners, who by the way had 3 kids under 7, that's who.

I feel like everytime I get even some order to the house, the kids are right behind me screwing it up. I swear they look at the cleaniness, and blink like a genie and it looks like Hiroshima. I told the 2 oldest that when I say it's time to clean up before bed, if their toys are not put away, and whatever other crap has been dragged out isn't picked up then I will throw it away. Same goes for dh. I was at a cookie party last night, and ya think the man would have picked up a little. Oh no, he played his video games. I am sure when I see him tonight he will catch the "vibe" like he does, and will help out without needing to be asked.

Ok, that cleaning lady is sounding pretty darn good right now....

Our entire house looks like this, and this part is semi-clean


Crystal

[Amiens]

WOOOHOOO!!!! So we went to make a last and final decision on the couches, and dh agreed to my pick! :> :ra:

He agreed that they look nicer, were more comfortable, and not to mention more room to snuggle and watch TV on. He did say he had a hard time swallowing the pricier tag, but would be able to get over it soon as he could see how happy I was. We opted to get the couch and love seat. I like the arm chair, but don't HAVE to have it. So down the road we will get a recliner which dh really wants. I don't know if we will do leather or not. Also Cost-co has an amazing leather ottoman/cocktail table that maybe for our anniversary we will get. I found one at Pottery Barn, but of course the price is enough for me to choke. It's about half the price, and just as nice at Cost-co.

On another note, I have another ultrasound scheduled on the 26th. I feel like that is so far away. At least dh will be off that day, I think. Now that I think of it, he's not because he traded shifts so he could be home on Christmas Day. Anyway, our mini-van had battery trouble yesterday. I pushed it out of the garage, and then backed it out of the driveway so my neighbor could help me jump start it. After 30 min it didn't work, so she, another neighbor and myself tried pusing it back up our steep driveway to move it out of the street. We found some teenage boys and they helped get halfway up our driveway. Finally got it jumpstarted when a towing company came to tow it to the dealership and the driver thought he would give a try. He thought I didn't have the cables on tight enough the first time around. Thank goodness for my $4 a year Roadside Assistance from USAA. I turned around and spent the rest of the day at 2 furniture stores, and walking around the mall until 10 pm finishing last minute Christmas shopping. Well I spotted a little last night, and a bit today. I talked to dh and my OB and both said "well I would spot too if I tried pushing a minivan, and walked as much as you did.

I have done this with all of my pregnancies, but I am still freaking out just a tad. I am grateful for this weekend. We will be busy this weekend- tomorrow is our pie night for our neighbors, Sunday we have church and will have a single mom and her 2 kiddos over, and then Monday is Christmas day. Oh dang it, I still don't have the stupid ham. Hmm maybe I will do a roasted chicken. It will be just the 5 of us- 2 adults, and 3 miniature dhs. So maybe Tuesday doesn't seem so far away after all.

Crystal

[Amiens]

:ra: :ra: :ra:

The ultrasound was this morning, and it went well. We saw one little peanut with a strong heartbeat of 122 bmp. I measured 6 wks 2d, and it looks like the little bub is due around 8-18-06. I do have a small pool of blood but is far and low away from the gestational sac.

We have only told my mom and a neighbor or our's. I will tell my dad this weekend, and for dh's family: weather permitting we want to drive to WY in February, and see if anyone notices. If not, then we have a letter and phone thing we are going to do to dh's parents- dh's youngest brother got married last month, and we are going to have a letter written to my ils eluding that the newlyweds are pregnant, and that they need to call them. So up the birth order we will go, each one saying "It's not us, but you might want to call so and so, until they call us."

Here's to the next 9 months!

Crystal

[Amiens]

This pregnancy has to be a girl- feeling the same way I did with Emma. I feel wretched, cystic acne, and not to mention I wish I would just :: I don't feel nauseous all the time, it is pretty much at the same time every night- 1030/11 pm right when I go to bed. How convenient!

Dh told me last night "OOOH the booby fairy has come, and the booby fairy did a good job." My comment "You can look all you want, but you can't touch. Besides buster, you don't have to live with rocks hanging off of you shoulders."

I have moments of indifference about this pregnancy. I think in March when I have the 20 wk u/s and we find out the sex of the baby I will become more excited. I still haven't told but a few people. The pregnancy hasn't become public knowledge at church or at dh's work. I have always been a "planner," and the last three have been "planned."
I guess I see now where Brigham gets his "hard time with throwing off in his schedule." I like some surprises, but I have to admit I am having a hard time getting on board with this surprise. Everyone around me seems so excited, and I am just indifferent right now. It will get better....

We are going to get another nanny this summer when the baby is born. Dh didn't have to talk me into that one, in fact I was the one that asked when we were going to do our search. Our arrangement was so perfect last time. Too bad she married my brother-inlaw. If we go through an agency this time, we will probably have someone come in a few hours a day, rather than have a full-time live in, mainly because of cost.

Dh has been really good- he cleaned the entire kitchen and family room while we watched the Fiesta Bowl. (YEAH BRONCOS!!!! and dh, too!)

[Amiens]

So my baby girl turned 5 years old today......

I took a bunch of photos and put them to music (cheesy, I know), but it was how I wanted to mark the occasion.

I posted it on our little family blog. I tried to post it here as well, but it didn't work quite how I wanted it to.

Visit
docfamily.blogspot.com

[Amiens]

I feel like a slacker, but I just can't seem to keep up with posting here.

I currently post almost every day on a family blog, including any rants about this lifestyle. The past 72 hours have sucked royally. Dh was on-call Sunday, Monday and is working until who knows what hour today. I would recant the last two days, but it's all been said.

http://docfamily.blogspot.com/2007/05/48-hours.html

[Amiens]

Re: 360 degrees of craziness

What a sucky past 24 hours. I would blog about it on our family blog, but I don't want to go into huge detail about my emotions over the past day.

Yesterday, dh was 2nd call at the main hospital, which my least favorite next to the days he has to do a 24 hour stint at hospital we lovingly call Death Valley Medical Center. His 2nd call days entail going in at 6 am and coming home at 9-11 pm. Usually our days go well at home. The kids started school this week, and I feel like I am into the routine of making lunches the night before, getting them up in the morning, off to school and so on. Somehow right before bed, all hell broke loose.

I felt like I was doing great, and everything was running smoothly. Tuesdays are naturally hectic due to school gets out at 3 pm, then Emma and Brigham have piano lessons from 330-430 pm. We like to ideally sit down and eat dinner at 5 or 530 pm. For the first time I used the bake timer function, you know where you set the oven to turn on and warm up at a certain time. I popped a casserole in prior to picking up the kids from school. When we got home dinner had 10 minutes left to cook. It was awesome!

We cleaned up from dinner, did homework, and jobs. Then I hear Lorien playing in the toilet. :P I walk in to find poop all over the bathroom floor, all over the front of her, in her hair. I just wanted . Oh well, she was getting a bath anyway. It was bath night and all of the kids needed baths prior to bed. I get the two younger ones washed up, and dressed for bed. Reed really wanted to call our former nanny prior to bed, so we called her. We talked to her for a little bit, and then she and I caught up a bit. Towards the end of our conversation, Lorien was beginning to climb down the stairs, which she has done a million times. I got about 2 feet from her when I saw her reach over her shoulder to grab something, at that I tried to grab her because I was afraid she was going to loose her balance and fall. Boy did she ever fall, straight down the stairs. and slipped through my fingers.

I cannot shake the never ending film that plays in my head of me throwing the phone to the ground, and stretching, reaching for her, as she helplessly rolls down the stairs with a panic striken face. To the very bottom she rolled, where I managed to scoop her up. I feel completely awful. :sosad: :sosad: I just held her for the longest time. Thank goodness she is fine, and no visible scars. I feel like I got socked in the gut. Add to all of what happened, the house was a disaster, my other three are running around upstairs like wild banshees.

Moments like this have a huge impact on me, and I wish I could shake them off. I start questioning myself, my abilities, and who I am. It began with questioning my ability and confidence as a mother then to why I don't have any close friends to there must be something wrong with me :sosad: , and on and on. My confidence in myself and my self-esteem is shot at the moment. Dh got home early today and took the younger ones.

My day seemed to pick a little bit, and then I had yet another blow- I am in charge for activities twice a month for the 8 and 9 year old girls at church. Today was our activity day. I could have sworn on the calendar I gave the parents that I had 4 pm written down as our time, but apparently I had 2 pm, which cannot be because I have to leave at 230 pm to get my kids from school. I left early today to run a couple of errands, and when I got home, I started prepping, and saw that I had a voicemail. It was from one of the moms' sounding panicked and that they were all waiting outside of my house for me.

I feel like I failed these girls and their parents, just like I failed to keep Lorien safe. I called the mom back to tell her that it was at 4 pm. I about broke down in tears while talking to her and I let it slip that this was yet another mark on a bad 24 hours. I tried to talk to her, but I didn't feel like she wanted to listen to me. Just pushing me even further down my hole of feeling like I don't have a "real life" support system.

I having a moment where I am tired of picking myself up by my bootstraps and carrying on. I am tired of being my own cheerleader in this lifestyle. I wish I had someone else to give me a hug and say there, there, it's going to be fine, you can do this. But I look around, in real life, and I am it.

Dh has been putting in some hours- 1- he does the schedule and picks up the slack and 2- has been going out to the frickin' Death Valley once a week for the last month because one of the docs has been on vacation, and he has yet another day coming up. I am just stretched thin right now, and don't need any blows or hits to my already transparent thin self-esteem-- it has been pulled, tested and tried the past week from Reed flooding three areas of our home.

I don't drink, but seriously wish I could right now. Someone please kick one back for me. I think I will eat myself into oblivion tonight, if my desire to loose the 20 lbs of Lorien baby weight still jiggling like Jell-o on my body me doesn't kick in. I know it's not healthy, but I want this sharpness gone from my heart. Once in a blue moon do I use food to cope, and I sure need it right now.

On a brighter note- dh is home early tomorrow night, our sitter is coming, and we are going to attend "Into the Woods" at our local Shakespeare Festival, then next week he has vacation.