Struggling With a Decision...

Jennifer,



I agree with alot of what you say, and I am sure that I am going to piss alot of people off when I say this, but here goes...





In a perfect world, it might be possible to attain the standards that you are talking about. We don't have family around so that we are able to get an occaional break. We don't have friends to childswap with...because we have 3 children...and that is a little much. We have moved 3 times in the last 5 years and have very little in the way of outside contacts. My husband works 7 SEVEN days a week. Am I to understand that if I choose to do something to make time for myself that I am a bad, selfish mother? I need a balance in my life as well. What good am I to my children when I am totally burnt out? When I chose to return to grad school last year, I did so out of a financial need. My choices were: 1. Get a full-time job to cover our costs (and we don't own a house, only have 1 car...we are just in debt due to my husband's career choice and decision to pursue a fellowship!) I didn't want to do that...I couldn't imagine doing that right now. 2. File for bankruptcy in a short period of time, because that is where we were headed or 3. Enroll as a student for a minimum of 9 semester hours and use the financial aid to give my older two children the opportunity (and I see it as that!) to attend preschool during the mornings and pay our RENT! I chose school because it gave me the flexibility to plan my schedule. I regretted that my youngest spent time at our house with a sitter and I limited it...but I needed some time for myself and that doesn't make me a bad mother. I have friends who go to the gym 2 hours a day and leave their children in the nursery there that has got to have 40 kids at a time manned by teen-agers. They child-swap to do errands and bring the kids to grandma and grandpa on the weekends to get away...they are with their children as often as I am...but they are the "good" parents?



Jennifer, your mother pursued some courses and interests when you were younger and you don't take issue with that...My mother had to work full-time...and we have a really nice friendship/relationship. I felt very proud of her and her accomplishments as a child...and today.



Here is another point to ponder...Over 50% of marriages end in divorce. Some statistics point to medical marriages as having up to an 80% divorce rate. There are no guarantees. I am not counting on a divorce, but I want to be able to support myself in that case or in case something happens to my husband.



I chose not to pursue a PhD and went for an MS instead because of the flexibility and lower demands...so I did sacrifice something. I am home all summer long, during all holidays and whenever my kids are sick. I am gone at the most 5 hours on a given day..some days not at all and am available on the weekends.



But for women who make the choice to go to work full-time...if it works for them and their families...More POWER to them...who the heck are we to judge?



That is the whole problem with women today....we are so freaking judgemental...it is why I refuse to go to mother/toddler groups. I get sick of hearing "Oh my god, is that polyester that child is wearing?" "Doesn't she look terrible, she has really put on a few pounds?" blah, blah, blah...I am so disturbed by how superficial everything is. I have met "friends" in the auxiliaries or mommy and me groups that will smile and take advantage of your hospitality and then turn around and talk about their perception of your parental weakness to others...



Being a Mom is hard enough...why can't we just all support each other?



Kristen




Edited by kmmath  at: 7/21/00 7:25:24 am

I do not find the subject of who raises our children to be a light one where "everything goes". Of course I haven't experienced everyone else in the world's lives, but does that mean I cannot follow the basic scientific "way" of observation, hypothesis, experiment, and theory?



Labeling an opinion as intolerance is a convenient way of ignoring and judging what we don't want to face or take seriously. Whether you like it or not, you are being judgemental by implying I don't understand your situation simply because my husband is not in residency yet. I have spent more time apart from my husband this year than with him. I know loneliness and have learned to cope in ways that still maintain my responsibility to my children.



I'll say this, you didn't go through any of your husband's career with newborn twins, while having pneunomia, taking care of a toddler going through and recovering from two brain surgeries, and having a husband out of town on rotation for a month -30 days straight- all at the same time. Now that is hard, but does it mean you don't understand loneliness in parenting - no.



To imply that because my husband is not in residency therefore I don't feel the amount of isolation and difficulty being a stay at home mom that you feel is an indicator that you really don't know any other stay at home moms very well and perhaps you feel you are the only one going through this experience. There are down sides to every job and that is one common one for full time motherhood - whether you are a medical spouse or not. How do I know? Because I grew up knowing dozens of my mothers friends and now know a lot of my own friends that are stay at home moms (quite a few are the wives of residents).



Since my love for my children does not change and my care for them is unconditional, I doubt that my feelings of responsibility for them will - regardless of my husband's career. Of course I have interests outside of child raising, however, as I have stated repeatedly my children are my primary responsibility. Through the ups and the downs I have learned how precious their childhoods are. I, too, at one time began thinking that I needed to get back into a "career" in order to feel worth as a human being, so I know the feelings you have described. I am sorry that you don't understand mine.



Again, if you had a support network this would probably not be such a trying time for you. I have moved away from my family and had to start from scratch with knowing others. It is a skill you have to learn. Meeting your neighbors, going to community events, and talking to everyone you meet are good ways to begin. Auxilaries have proven for both you and me to be inadequate and unsupportive - perhaps becuase. It also helps that with my church organization I have a built in support network wherever I go.



I didn't realize you had already made up your mind when you posted (since you obviously aren't staying with the kids). I read it as a sincere need for input into a decision regarding your own wants and the needs of your children, and that is what I and others have spoken about.



Jennifer

Jennifer,





It appears that we are both intelligent women who love our children. We may have some differing opinions and struggle with different issues but I think that we should be supportive of each other.



I take my hats off to you for your dedication to your children and family. They are lucky to have a mom who loves them and has sacrificed so much.



I am currently at home with my children and whatever decision I make about the Fall Semester will reflect my need to care for my children and myself. I have to make a decision that is right for my family and I am still not sure what that is.



I appreciate the discussion with you even though we have both gotten a bit carried away . I think that we both feel very stronly about our beliefs and that's ok. We actually share similar opinions on child-rearing although some minor differences seem to be what is causing us to clash a bit.



I hope that despite these differences we will be able to continue to have some interesting discussions.



Sincerely,



Kristen




Edited by kmmath  at: 7/21/00 7:22:49 am

Well, I wasn't an angel myself I think that it is great that we were able to disagree...even very strongly and then move on and continue to be friends.....



So...accept my apologies for my own pig-headedness...



Kris

I don't know if you will ever see this since it is buried in the Archives, Kristen, but I wanted to tell you publicly what I said privately (in the chat room) months ago. I am sorry that I expressed myself in a way that hurt you. I obviously have strong feelings regarding caring for my children, but not everything that goes through my head should be vomited out of my mouth. I am sorry that I appeared to be attacking you; in retrospect I should have expressed these same opinions in a less aggressive way.