Color of the day

Soooo, I'm gonna try this and hope I don't write something that will come and bite me in the butt, sometimes I vent to much

We are exactly 6 days from Match Day and I'm really getting anxious. My plan is to fill each day up as much as possible so I don't think about it to much.

I'm working on another purse, and I think I'll focus and get it done this weekend. Of course that usually means the family doesn't get to eat a home made meal, but they can live on pizza and spagetti for a few days right?

I also am going to make DS a blanket for his beloved stuff alligator, Chomps, as DS is turning 5 in two weeks, and I have stuff to make for a baby shower next week. So now I have to go the fabric store

So I titled my blog as color of the day, cause I have a tendency to change every day - LOL doesn't every woman?

Now I have to pick DS up from preschool, next week is spring break, hope it's good weather cause a 5 year old in a 1000 sq ft apt 24/7 = havic!

WWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

MMMMMMMMMMAAAAATTTTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHEEEEDD D

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!

WE MATCHED :rah:

So the kids behaved, no drunks tripped over us, (though the way out we passed some ) and WE MATCHED UNC CHAPEL HILL!!! This was our hope, our number one, our joint best fit for all of us.

I'm thrilled thrilled thrilled!!! When I visited in December, I fell in love - totally. It's the first place I've been that I thought, this could be home. We can get a house!!! A nice house in comparison to what we could have afforded in STL. They have good schools, and the Triangle seems very concerned with environment, bad developement, and is very earthy While suburban, it has so many cool things to offer, and more just a few hours away.

The program embodies what DH wanted, an academic and private hospital experiance - equal throughout the residency. And has the most ED time than in any residency program = good hours and good learning time for DH. For me, a wives club They meet up together when the spouces are in journal club, very cool! I just hope I fit in...

And for me personally, there is a lot of research on topics realted to special education coming from Duke and UNC. And there is a top private college there that seems to embody the academic point of view I hope to get out of my own education.

All in all, I"m so happy. There are things to freak out about, but I don't want to let them get to me. First if we get the house we want, second that the move goes well, third will I make friends??? Yes uncontrolable but they will come in time.

We are gonna have toast later tonight

The purse is done! I painted the fabric when DH was interviewing, talk about slow moving but when your kitchen table is your "sewing room" it takes A LOT of motivation to pull everything out, cause that means I have to clean it all up when I'm done,.... and I get tired early...

So I used Jacquard Lumeire paint, a red and a maroon w/a bit of a metalic sheen, and stamped the paint on white denim. Then I stitched w/blue thread inside the squares - fun. It's my first go with the paint. I have bigger projects in mind. And seeing as I hate to waist anything I decided to use the fabric in a purse. I used an asian cotton print along with dark denim. Inside is a pocket with a magnet snap to keep the wallet and phone safe. There is also a pocket in the front.

DS asked me if I was starting a bag collection LOL. DH said oh another bag, I told him, I'm honing my skills on small projects babe. He thought it was cool after I showed him what I did to the fabric. I swear guys just don't get it.

Here it is I'm gonna make to zip bags to go inside for stuff like diapers, and whatnot.

Front



back



side



inside



painted fabric



cotton print

Sigh, so I've come to realize I'm getting really emotional about moving. Two guys moved in (well in part) above us. We live in a 4 unit apt and the above apt has been vacant for a year. Now I have to get use to two guys upstairs, and their sounds, and having to share the basement with them. The only other female in the apt building left last week, so now I'm living in a unit with 3 other men I don't know. One that's been here for a while has sex issues. He's like 50+ , definately has had some Asain ladies, clad in well not so much clothing, over for EXTREMELY unrealisticly loud sex,. The woman who did live here (w/her 16 yrd old daughter) under him had to hit the floor on several issues to get the girl to stop screaming during um , well you get it. DH has heard the girls in the hallway too. Since the landlord was told they haven't been around, but he's still here. So I now live with weirdo sex man, and two young college guys above me. I HATE to share the basement w/them, cause it's dark, and when I'm home alone, and I run laundry downstairs I feel vulnerable. I have no reason to trust these guys, and if DH is gone, who is to watch out for me. I realize this in a bit paranoid, but these things happen. Luckly DH has a good schedule, only 7 weeks of school left and hopefullly won't be working nights next rotation. But last night, after finding out about the 2 guys only this last weekend, I realized that it's all getting to me. Moving, sharing my space with new guys, and realizing I'm being unreasonable about sharing my space downstairs w/two guys renting. But I've been here 4 years, longer than any place since we've married, it feels like my home, and it's getting disrupted - yep I"m an emotional woman.... hate it, but it's true.

Ok, two weeks till we go find a new home, so that's what I'm gonna focus on, my new house - a HOUSE not an apartment, condo or townhouse, a real house w/no one living upstairs!!!

One day I'm just gonna have to cry all this out, but I'm trying to keep it together, as last night I almost lost it blowing up over absolutely nothing really, and come to find out DS lost it at school today and the teacher took me aside cause she was concerned.. Sigh I think I'm a bad influence on the poor guy. I now realize my emotions are more and more gonna effect my kids, so I have to pull it together for their sakes.

It will be ok, I'm moving to where I wanted, it'll be ok........

So last week we went out to NC, put a contract on a house, got the inspection done, came back home, had the inspection report submitted yesterday (seller agent was out of town) and today the owners came back and said they agreed to fix everything we asked for They had a handy man come out today to start! Well it's amazing what the inspiration of a home can do - here I finally finished piecing together a wall hanging I bought fabric for almost 3 years ago But in my defence it's my design, and I have very specific hopes for this wall hanging - it will be my first go at applique and my first "quilted art"
So this is the unembellished pieced part. I am going to put a plum tree in the middle with pettles falling off the branches fading into the bottom part of the quilt. Well that's the plan. I'm off to paint fabric this weekend for the pettles - gosh I love feeling productive (for purely my own enjoyment! a mother rarity)









on the bummer side, today I found out my brother's girlfriend whom just found out last tuesday she was pg is now officially 16 wks ago and is having a girl - unbelievable. I'm scared for all three of them.

So tomorrow I leave to visit my brother and sister. They live in another state and unfortunately I've had very little "real" time with either one, but we are quite close regardless thanks to the invention of the telephone.

I'm a bit nervous, as my son woke up this morning with a temp of 103.8 , and I'm worried I'm gonna get sick before or during this trip. Not to mention last week we JUST got over all 4 of us being sick from a stomach virus. I swear I just can't win.

My brother is trying hard to get his life together. I am trying to do what I can for him. I'm driving so I can bring a car load of baby stuff I was going to unload for this trip. I've been having a hard time figuring out what I can tangably do for my brother to really help. I figured it out. A good friend of mine from church who has been in contact w/my brother over the years, is a vet and works in Vet affairs. So I called him up and told him I wanted my brother to get financial counceling and could he do it free through the military. He said he'll get my brother all set up with the right contacts and he can do vocational counceling among other things to help him with his future goals - to be an architech. So that's my agreement with my brother that I'm gonna set before him when I visit. If he wants my stuff for his baby girl and girlfriend, he HAS to get the counceling. If he doesn't his parents are to give everything to someone else, Goodwill or whatnot. And he has to do this to get any material help from me in the future. I refuse to aid a pigheaded fool, and veneer over his bad choices.

I feel for my brother as his life is at one of the highest levels of stress he's had in like 8 years. His roommate's GF is also pg. She is 7 months along and the roommate isn't taking responcibility of being the dad, wants nothing to do with either - oh and he's an alcoholic. My brother was thinking that the GF and baby would move in with them and everything would be fine and dandy, and they'd wait the year out till the lease was up. Well over the weekend, the roommate got his 2nd DUI. He drove UP an off ramp at like midnight, says he blacked out until he saw lights in flashing at him, and the cops arrested him. My brother got him out of jail, and apparently had a fist fight with him to go home and calm down, untill my brother could call the roommates dad to help get ahold of him So now my brother is trying to figure out what to do - he now realizes he can't live with him with his new family - um DUH. See that's the problem my brother refuses to see the obvious until it hits the highest climax.

I'm desperately trying to find peace inside myself to figure out how to have a nice visit, but still talk honestly with my brother. I don't want to beat him down, but neither do I want to pretend he is doing everything fine. I care about him so much and it seriously pains me to see this.

Family issues is not new to me, I have a hole slew of family members who have chosen the crooked path and to stay there, no matter how much the family unit begs them to get it together.

This transition from med school to residency is taking it's strain on me. I'm trying to keep my emotions in check but it seems I'm constantly feeling unbalanced about something. This too shall pass, over all I'm keeping it together. I just ordered new fabric for my new home, fabric always puts me in that happy place - maybe I should order some more!

So the goal for now is NOT to get sick so I can drive the 7 or so hours to my brothers place in one piece.

sigh... 7 weeks... MIL said it took her a total year to adjust, I guess count me in that as well. Sucks to have no friends here, just sucks, and I miss my girlfriends...

I'm bored. This heat needs to go away so I can do some sanding on my coffee table outside. I'm trying for this weekend, hopefully. When it's done I start on my kitchen cabinets!

Residency is going fine, I'm fine. Do I love it no. Did I accept this is how it would be yes. Is it wrong that I"m already counting down? While my neighbors are fabulous, I've yet to get a real friend, and being in the house weeks in and out with no adult contact that a husband who is tired gets to me. Seriously some weeks the most that I've talked to another adult in the flesh is 15 minutes. I shouldn't feel this crabby as my MIL can in for a week and my DH's grandparents came last week, and DH had a slew of off days scheduled right in a row, so we went to Kill Devil Hills for the weekend. Of course we are gonna make up for those days in the next several weeks of shift after shift. But he gets days off so I should thank my lucky stars, right? I need to get out, but with to kids, it's hard to even make conversations with the neighbors w/out one or two taking over the conversation.

Clearly I'm pissy this morning.

You know how sometimes things feel like they are just ganging up on you, that no matter how much you try things just go south. Well a little over a week ago, I broke out in all these red spots, they didn't each so I ignored them. In the last two weeks I've been breaking out like a 14 yr old as well. I realized that it was from starting Seasonale a few weeks ago. I was just hoping to rid of my long 7+ day periods, :huh: I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with it. On top of the zits, the second night after we got Amber my eyes got itchy and face was itchy and my eyes and bags under the eyes all blew up. The next day it went away so I thought ok, maybe it's just from being outside. Well yesterday it came back, over night it got really bad and I woke up with a red face and really really puffy eyes and under the eyes. I called my dr two days ago for Zyrtec. So now I try to call my DR on call to find out what to do, but since it's not an emergency they charge $25, sigh. So I call DH at the beginning of his shift feeling really bad about interrupting him. But I'm worried at this rate my eyes will close up on me, wouldn't be the first time (ragweed season was bad for me growing up). So DH had me take benedryole (sp?), and of course all we have is kids, so I "hope" I took an adult dosage. Today, I'm sappose to meet some women in a med spouse group for a walk early this morning, and after that I'm sappose to take DS to the local kid museum for a special afternoon with the teachers. Me, I look like a zit attatched blowfish. Sure beauty is only skin deep, but I really didn't want to look like hell meeting new people. And what about Amber? I didn't have any reaction to Radar, but seeing as face blowing up wasn't a side affect of Seasonale I have to assume it's Amber. If the Zyrtec doesn't work, I"m gonna try something else. But I am going to just lose it if I have to find Amber a new home.

Ok, now I have to get dressed, get ready to go and hope the Benedryl doesn't make me exhausted. DS would be beyond upset if we didn't go to the museum.

Well I finally FOUND A CHURCH!!! A mom I met recommended it to me and I really thought if this doesn't work I'm going on church hiatus for a while. It ended up being great, everything I was looking for, and very much like the church I left in St. Louis. So now I can breathe and feel a little more like I'm at home, though I'm still not sure what home is to me right now - STL still is my real home in my heart. I'm not sure how I'll feel in 3 years.

Drama, I want... the drama... to stop... I ended up having a female problem happen last night that put me into over drive. End result, I went to the GYN today, all is well. I can now chalk up another unusual but still happens sometimes occurance in my list of medical oddities by Julie. As a kid my ped use to make jokes about me and my annomalies. Anyway now I can move on. Seriously I just want to live. On a good note the Zyrtec seems to be working, this morning I woke up without puffy eyes

Now off to clean the house the kids wrecked this morning as I slept on the couch with PBS on... yes sometimes I am one of those moms... (you might be one of those moms too one day

Tonight I did what I've been putting off for almost four months now. I went through my pictures of my severally broken family (familes really), and finally put away the pile of pictures my brother asked for - before our relationship when to hell 2 weeks before graduation. I'm about to pay a small fortune to have them copied as I have no negatives. It's so painful to see all the people who where in my life, just to be no where around anymore. I'm numb, really really numb. Numb but can still cry - that goes last. I am sending a letter to my brother (who is just so immature, and also combine that with bad coping = fire) about what happened between us, and hoping for reconcile. It's all in God's hands, but it's painful to know I've already reached out to him, and he's not responding. I'm pretty sure he's telling me "fuck you". Sorry for the profain, but if you've been through hell you know the sentament exists - regardless if it's right or not. I'm pretty sure he's not gonna respond to my letter - and will probably burn the pictures. Why? I have no clue. I've been a long distance sister to him, thanks to my "family tree", but always have been in his life. Sigh. I know God can restore anything, but it comes to the fact sometimes people don't want restoration. His baby is due next month, the same day as my daughters birthday - ahh irony. I lost my relationship to my oldest sister, and at the time my clostest sibling, while DH was applying to medical school. That relationship is gone - and a total shock to me, as once apon a time she was my rock. How many "moms" have I had - three. How many have been a mom to me, zero. My family is what I make it, that's right your family is who you make it. If someone doesn't care to love you, nothing you can do, you just love who you can. My family how is bigger than the blood line, but is missing so many who should be really my family. Moving away from the family I actually love, along with losing my relationship with my brother, even if for a time, has been - suficating. I have no body here, no body outside of our little family of four. Feeling desperate for friends, makes me self conscious, am I coming off to much to new people I meet? Do they know they are the only other adult that I've talked to all week other than DH? That includes Bill the 70+ year old neighbor up the street, yes I look forward to talking to Bill. Sometimes he's the only other adult I've talked to. I love my kids, I love my husband, but this is hard. Like cry me a river of tears every other day hard. I thought I was emotional pregnant, um no, I'm now like Bridget Jones. Here's to next week, maybe one of my efforts to meet people won't end up as awkward as having drinks with a couple I've never met, in a restaraunt I've never been to, when my husband is home w/the kids and fabulous, on call tonight.

Ah the sun always rises the next morning, thank God cause if it was up to me, it'd be twilight for days.

Re: Color of the day

My Space. That's right, my brother has a baby and where do I hear about it, on freakin Myspace from my little sister. She was born on Oct 2nd, that's right two days ago, and neary a phone call from my brother. I am so raw right now. I am furious, stricken to the heart, angry and so tired people f*cking me over. Sorry for the profanity, I try not to be profain, but when your heart has been ripped to shreds over and over and over again by just trying to have what so many people out there take for granted without a thought, a family. So many people I have pictures of who have nothing to do with me anymore. Holidays, trips together, birthdays you name it we had together and person after person have dropped out of my life. I sometimes don't even feel like trying anymore, why try to connect with people when it will be taken away later on? So he has a family, great. What is he gonna tell his daugther when she gets older? I had sisters but I hate them and we don't talk anymore. Why Dad? I don't know, they were jerks and didn't understand me. WTF? Maybe it's me right? You're reading this and think she's probably a weirdo and just is stupid when it comes to relationships. Well I'm not a weirdo, and when it comes to relationships I usually give to much and people just take and I have come to realize it's a two way street and to expect people to do their part. MySpace, really? This stupid online community I only got on for my sister and brother, this is how I find out about my new neice? My sister has over 40 pictures of the baby, my brother and the friends and family members. It's hard to see the deep compassion in his eyes for his family and knowing he's basically written me off and I have no understanding why. I can't hate him, I love him to much for that, but this overwhelming feeling of pain - is crushing. We talk about broken families, cheating and so forth, well guess what the consequences of these actions don't go away, they eat away at our lives till we die. My family is so broken, so broken. I had no idea that this pain would follow me well into adulthood. I am realizing now I will be affected heavily for the rest of my life. Before I moved, my grandma gave me my keepsakes she kept from when I was little. What I found was letter after letter after letter written by a little girl who barely knew how to write - all to my mother who was totally gone, so gone, out of my life. I have no memories of these letters, but remembered asking about my mom alot. And here, my pain as a child is now forever sealed in a memory box. Who knew that child would be an adult feeling the same pain, where is my brother, where has he gone, and why won't he respond to my letters?

Re: Color of the day

Well keeping busy is an understatement. For DD's birthday I made her doll clothes for two Cabbage Patch dolls that were mine. I had SO much fun making these. I swore I would never ever EVER make doll clothes due to the itty bitty seams, and pain of sewing itty bitty this to itty bitty that. But ... my inner little girl came out, and I went for it I'm so happy with them, I may actually make some to sell on Etsy for extra Chritmas cash, we'll see - you know with all my extra time. Though I don't know if they would sell, I'm thinking $25 each... kinda high but if you consider the crap at wal-mart is going for $10-15 per poorly made outfit...

Here are the dolls:

Re: Color of the day

and the two dresses by themselves:

The cat is in a pocket and the flowerpot is a pocket as well.






Sorry images are so big, I have to figure out how to downsize them.