Hi Everyone! Need some advice.

Good Grief, Lisa...as if moving wasn't enough STRESS!!! It makes you wish you'd moved to Alaska or something doesn't it!!!



I don't know, honestly, that you owe it to these people to be "nice" about it....although I know exactly where you are coming from and I would probably be considering how I could be the least confrontational....it sounds though like they aren't very respectful of other family members either.



I don't know that you can get out of it though without being direct....but tactful. I would simply say, "that is a nice offer (to come and visit.) We would love to see you...there are several hotels nearby. Let me know when you plan on coming so I can recommend a good one to you!" (I feel sort of rude even saying that...but hey, here they are wanting to totally take advantage of you without caring at all how it affects your family and children...)



Here is another one..."that is a nice offer. Right now we are adjusting to the move and we will get in touch with you when we are ready to start having guests....." If they call back and press the issue...."we really don't have a lot of room, but we would love to see you. There is a Days Inn down the road...let us know when you arrive and get settled in!"





Honestly, I dont know if I could say that myself...I would be more inclined to write a wimpy letter and be a bit more direct....it is so much easier when you do it that way!



How far away do these relatives live? Sorry if you already mentioned it....I am just wondering if they may be planning on popping in unannounced....



Some people can be so rude!



Kristen

[Lisa]

Hi, Kristen! Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I am EXTREMELY wimpy and would have a difficult time saying something even so mild as what you suggested, because everyone knows what you're really saying is, "No, you are not welcome at my house." I think a lady wrote to Ann Landers with the same problem one time and she made the same suggestion. This uncle wants me to e-mail him with my address and I thought about saying something like, "My address is.... Let me know when you are in town, we'd love to have you over for dinner one night." But with these people, that may not be direct enough. I talked to my mother a little while ago on the phone and she told me that she talked to my Grandmother (the mother of this uncle) and informed her that people were already piling in on us so much so that we can hardly get our things unpacked. She was hoping that my Grandmother would get the hint and convey it to my uncle. Anyway, right now I'm just not e-mailing him with my address and if I'm confronted with it again, well, maybe I'll just have to learn to have a little more backbone. My sis and my mom could give me a few lessons in that. By the way, my relatives live about 3 hours away in GA. You think anyone would have the guts to show up unannounced? The thought is scary.

Lisa,



I would worry if I were you that these morons will just show up one day....they don't seem very good at getting the message from what you have said.



In terms of being a "wimp"...I do understand. What partially cured me of this is living in germany and my relationship with my german husband...german's are VERY direct!!! When I lived abroad and was studying at the German University I was paired up for a group project...when one of the group members found out that I was American, she was very vocal about the fact that she simply did not wish to be in a group with an American...I was DEVASTATED. I asked her if we could at least be friends...and my German was still rusty...the word I used for friend meant lesbian and I didn't realize it ...of course that is a whole other board ! I cried the whole way home....most of my interactions were like this with germans...(imagine what I go through with my mother-in-law!!!You can only imagine in your worst dreams, I promise!)



The good news though, is that I have become accustomed to this...a bit hardened to it and more used to expressing myself directly...and GOD, Lisa, it feels so good not to have to always be NICE and worry about other people's feelings. It feels good to talk with people who are direct and know where you stand with them...not that it is always nice to hear someone say "I am not interested"....but at least you don't have the back and forth "Oh, let's do coffee" with no follow-up phone call and the deliberate going out of the way when you see them at the shopping center! What a relief to be able to be honest.



An example from my life that would have never happened a few years ago: I have been promised and promised by a professor that he would give me money for my work....but it of course has not come true...and I have been nice...bit my tongue and smiled....but recently I told him "I won't hold my breath" when he told me again that there would be money for my project....the guy almost fell over...and I was SO surprised that I actually said what I was feeling....but what a feeling of power and control it gave me...I felt so much better about myself.



The thing is, jerks like this uncle are only interested in themselves....What would be the worst thing that happened if you told him no? He would get his feelings hurt? What about what he wants to do to you? Use you to party and drink and be his personal free childcare provider? What would be wrong with hurting his feelings...if it actually did hurt his feelings...



Look at it this way if it helps. You must tell him not to come in order to protect your family...your children from this chaos. Do you want to subject your children to the drinking and partying and the disrespect of his ill-behaved children? Can you trust his children to treat your children well...maybe if you see this as an issue of protecting your family instead of hurting his feelings it will bring out the Lion in you?



All of this being said, I have the easy job....talking theoretically about what I would do in your situation....which I am not...and I don't envy the position you are in at all...it is easy to talk...and harder to take action...



I don't know if any of this helped and I am sorry for rambling....



Kristen

[Lisa]

I think most of you know me from the medical spouse board at Heartchoice. Christy gave me the address to this site, so I decided to talk to y'all here, because I just needed a break from the other board.



I hope everyone is doing well. I have especially been thinking about Christy, wondering how she and the baby are doing. I would love to hear updates on everyone.



We are still unpacking and trying to get our house together. My sister and her family are coming for a visit this weekend and I would like things to look halfway decent. I love for my close family to visit, but I am beginning to see that I may run into some uncomfortable situations with extended and distant family and acquaintances. This is something that I would like to get everyone's advice on. Well, my mother warned me that "everyone is going to use you as a place to go to get a free vacation" (for those of you who don't know, we just moved to Panama City Beach). I'm thinking my brother, sister & parents, which I would love, but I'm now having long, lost relatives who never cared to foster a relationship with me or my family before all of a sudden wanting to come and visit. An uncle of mine called me the other day (mind you, we just moved in and still have boxes everywhere). I rarely have any contact with him, but I know that he has 3 very rowdy children and he and his wife are drinking, smoking party animals; very contrary to our lifestyle. He called me and was asking about our new house and he just so happened to know all of the nightclubs around us. Then he wanted our address, etc. because he wanted to bring his family to come and visit us. He mentioned that it was kind of difficult to pay us a visit before when we lived in Louisiana (my husband and I have been married for 10 years and he has not once visited us ANYWHERE that we have lived, near or far, much less made a phone call or written a letter. Now we've been in FL *one week* and he's already inviting himself and his whole family.) He wanted to make plans to take some of his vacation and bring his family down here. I do not know this man or his family on a personal level, but from what my dad has told me (he is my father's brother), his kids are out of control, they drink a lot, smoke a lot, share their beer with their children, go out and get drunk and do not make their children respect other peoples' property. As a matter of fact, this uncle brought his kids over to my parents' house the other day. My mother locked the doors and wouldn't let them in and the kids' tore up my parents newly lanscaped yard, threw their mulch from the flower beds all over the lawn, etc. My sister and parents are warning me that these people will come in my house, eat all of the food, let their kids tear everything up, dump their kids on us while they go clubbing, come home, puke on the carpet and leave me to clean up the mess. Here's my problem: #1) I think it is rude to call up someone you barely know and invite yourself to their house when they have barely moved in for the sole purpose of wanting to go to the beach without having to pay for a motel room, #2) I don't want people who do not discipline their children allowing them to come into my brand new home and destroy it. #3) Although I enjoy visits, I don't want my home to become a bed and breakfast with me being the hostess who buys the food, cleans, cooks, entertains, provides babysitting services and waits on anyone and everyone who decides they want to come uninvited. This is our home and we want time alone without having a constant stream of guests coming in and out. We are already booked up for a month with close family visits. I am not the kind of person who can just tell someone that they are not welcome for a week-long stay at our house and I would like to have a standard line that is very sweet and polite, but that lets people know that we would love to see them, but they need to get a hotel room if they want to bring their whole clan to visit. Our immediate families and close friends (people who loved and cared for us BEFORE we got a house at the beach) are welcome any time. I am speaking of distant relatives and acquaintances who are INVITING THEMSELVES. How would you handle this in a nice way? We already had a bad experience last weekend with my husband's family. His parents, brother and wife came and brought my 3 1/2 year old nephew THE DAY that the movers arrived at our house. My mother-in-law allowed my nephew to jump on the beds, run through the house with open cups of coke, juice, etc. and flatten the plants in my front yard with my son's Power Wheels Jeep. They helped themselves to my kitchen and at every meal, left the mess for me to clean up alone. My mother-in-law left my nephew's dirty training pants full of poop (4 pair that I counted) laying on the floor in the bathroom for me to clean up (the upstairs of my house smelled like the bathroom at the Texaco station). Once when I was outside, my mother-in-law changed my daughter's diaper and cleaned her bottom up with a Mr. Clean Wipe-up from underneath the bathroom sink. My mother-in-law gave me some plants, which was very sweet, but potted them on my driveway. She dumped large sacks of black potting soil all over the driveway and when she was done, she said, "We can just leave this here". I had to clean that up. She also used some antique furniture that we had in our garage as a work table to pot some of the plants. Then when she finished potting plants, she had the potting soil up to her elbows and all over her clothes. She came in the house and picked up the sheets to her bed and went upstairs to make the bed without even so much as washing her hands off. They took their luggage and threw it all out in the hallway of the upstairs. My mother-in-law is on lots of medication and her medicine bottles were laying all out in the floor where the suitcase had been dumped out; very dangerous with 3 small children running around. It was absolutely chaotic around here and we didn't get anything done until they left. I feel like I have to put up with that because it's immediate family. I certainly don't want to have to deal with that on a weekly basis from people we hardly know.



I'm very sorry that I've ramble so much. Any advice you all have would be appreciated.



Lisa

well you are both right and maybe it is because I am from the southwest orginally but I would tell these losers to take a flying leap



Good Lord wasnt't the residency enough torture--these people want one thing and believe you me they have learned to take advantage of nice folks.



I could call and disquise my voice if you like

Lisa, I haven't responded because I'm not really sure what I would do. You do understand that if you give in and let them come visit EVERY family member will expect to be treated the same way. My answer would be to tell ALL of them NO. Like you were saying, the closer family members is total different. Someone that doesn't even have your address is not one that I would think might be that close. If they were that interested in you and your family they would have your address no matter how long it has been since you moved. Be honest with them and tell them your just not up to being the motel for the family. I would hope they would understand and be a little ashamed that they invited themselves ~ Devera

Sorry, I screwed up! See below.
Edited by JenniferLR at: 8/18/00 10:27:40 am

Lisa,

I have worried of a similar problem. I have some real bums in my mother's family (do drugs, abusive, criminals,etc.) My mother asked me what I would do if after my husband is "done" and has his big, big salary (which anything over 50,000 in this family is rich) what I would do if these cousins ever showed up? We aren't close, in fact, my mother kept us very far away from my aunt and cousins (my aunt actually tried to kill her brother once - with a knife). Well, who should call and want to talk as soom as she found out my husband will be a doc but my aunt? She wanted to "get together" and see the kids. Well, I pretty much blew her off. I also decided that if a relative didn't come to my wedding, didn't know the names of my kids or husband, didn't know what color my eyes were they would be treated like the strangers they are.



I totally sympathize with you, Lisa. You are a decent, good person to not want to harm others or be rude, but you are not dealing with decent people here. They are USERS. They do not care about you or your families well being, you are a free hotel and they would love you to be the doormat. I think what Kristen said in her first response to you was right on the money. I know that it would be hard, but they are all right (Kristen and the rest) that this could be dangerous for your children, you, and your house.



When my husband gets done with med school and all the other stuff we will be in a different universe from my extended family, if any of them ever invite themselves to stay they may find my response rude, but it will be much more polite than their rudeness and audacity in thinking they (strangers with bad lifestyles) could invite themselves over in the first place.



Maybe I get this bulldog attitude from the fact that I am about 75% German with an Austrian maiden name!



Jennifer

AHA Jennifer....it is all starting to fit together now ! I agree though...I mean, how could people be so rude and thoughtless? I can't imagine taking advantage of someone's niceness like that. These people obviously know that Lisa is not going to want to hurt their feelings.



Lisa, I think your only way out is to be direct....



Kris

[Lisa]

I really appreciate all of the helpful advice. I think you are all right and I need to learn to be more direct. I will try my best and let you know how it turns out.

Well, keep us posted,Lisa....and by the way, how is the unpacking going? The one and only thing that I like about moving is getting rid of junk and then unpacking and having everything be neat for a couple of days...



Kris

Lisa, I'm Chris, an old friend of Kristen's. I don't check in very often due to time constraints at home, but your problem reminds me of advice I read once about people who don't take no for an answer. The expert said that people like this view any response as positive. (If you tell someone five times that you don't want to be involved with them, then you've involved yourself with them five times.) His advice is to ignore their attempts to contact you completely. He says this is the only message they understand. Look at what they did to your poor parents' yard! I wouldn't give them the opportunity to be mad at you too.

Listen to this woman, Lisa...she has had lots of experience with this kind of stuff and has to be one of the absolute most assertive people that I know (well, she probably ties with Jennifer )



But really, I learned quite a bit from Chris regarding asserting myself and her advice is usually right on target.





Kristen