Through the Looking Glass

I guess I should start by getting some things out of the way.

Firstly, how fitting it is to start my first blog on my birthday! So happy birthday to me.

Next, I have been debating back and forth with myself lately on whether or not I should start a blog for a few reasons:

1) Privacy issues;
2) I am notorious for starting a blog and rarely ever blog (perhaps because I feel as though I have nothing relevant to speak to and life just gets in the way);
3) I have insecurities with my writing skills (Please don't compare me to the regular bloggers here. I'm so humbled to even be in their blog presence); and
4) I have hesitations about airing dirty laundry (although it could be quite therapeutic)

At any rate, I decided only to write in hopes that someone out there can find solace in my journey and vice versa. As much as I can relate to certain things these bloggers mention, I feel as though I can contribute a unique perspective to this community and be a colorful thread in the fabric of our collective success. (Partly being that I don't have children yet and that I'm just embarking on a new journey as a newly wed to a first year resident.)

If you missed it, here is my introduction to iMSN:

First off I just want to say what a huge relief it is to find a forum such as this one. I have been looking for a place like this for the longest time, but I guess I wasn't entering the right keywords when doing a search... until fairly recently. I have previously been on a wedding board while planning my wedding, but found that no one really knew exactly or could appreciate what I was going through (besides planning a wedding).

The past couple years have been a whirlwind where I uprooted myself from sunny So Cal and move across the country to rural West Virginia to help support my then fiance through medical school. I never once regretted my decision in moving to WV to be with my FI, however it did come at a cost of sacrificing my career and moving far, far away from my friends and family. The decision itself, needless to say, shocked many people as I was thought as one never to move or sacrifice anything for anyone or move to West Virginia for that matter.

During time there, I struggled through many obstacles. On a personal level, I suffered immense depression after realizing the enormity of my decision and how much I left behind. So much so, that did not step out of our apartment for literally 3 months. I have not admit this to many people, however, I feel somewhat comfortable to share this with you all in hopes that this particular group can somewhat understand or make sense of why I did this. I'm still trying to make sense of it to this day because it was truly out of my character.

On a professional level (or lack thereof), I faced the worst discrimination I have ever encountered in my life. I came from a place where I had many options and job offers to another where I was turn away bc of my nationality. I believe that was, in part, another reason that contributed to my depression. I eventually found myself re-prioritizing the things I thought were important in my life. FI became my center focus, as much as I strived for a balance, it was just not possible as I lived in the middle of nowhere! I can go on and on about my time there, but alas, I would hate to bore. The situation did eventually get better towards the end, but I never got use to living there. It was a great experience, good or bad, in which contributed to my personal growth and made our bond stronger.

Now we are past that enormous mountain that entails the following (these were huge changes and shifts in just past few months):

1) Planned our wedding by myself across country.
2) Helped with residency application, arranged and prepped FI for interviews, MATCHED in So Cal but had to help with scrambling for pre-lim year bc FI thought it was fine just applying to two pre-lims. UGH. Thankfully, matched in So Cal in the same school. Whew.
2) Relationship survived through medical school.
3) Flew back to CA month before the wedding to finish planning like a mad woman.
4) Flew back to WV the two weeks before the wedding for FI's graduation.
5) Finished packing our apartment and moved everything across country within the week of our wedding.
6) Got MARRRIED. (Two months ago). w00t! w00t!
7) Went on HM for a week in MX.
8) Hubby started med school a week after HM.
9) Got a new job, started less than a month ago.
10) We both finally have income coming in to start paying off loans, etc. etc. HUGE relief.

Now, I find myself reestablishing my identity, a bit lost and confused as to what I want to do with my life, and gaining back the independence and confidence I lost along the way during these past yrs. I also find myself at times lonely because hubby is working crazy hrs. It is very difficult to find time to spend time together as we are still newly weds. I guess the only consolation is that I do have a job that requires some insane hours. Nevertheless, I miss my husband.

I also feel quite isolated from my friends as they do not know what it's like to be a "doctor's wife". They have some preconcieved notion that I'm sure majority of the general public has. But I find it difficult to explain to them that it's not what it is all cut out to be. They don't understand that I'm lonely, that I have very limited time with my husband, that there may never be couple's night, that I get very hurt when I tell them that hubby can't go but I can, and then get uninvited, that on a regular day, hubby comes home, I feed him and put him to bed... Ok whew, got that all off my chest.

All in all, I love my husband very much and love being married. I know this will all come with a lot of patience and time. It's not going to be easy, but I'm comforted that I found a place that I can finally relate to and that can relate to me.

So this is me and my 'jabberwocky'.

As you ponder what the world is really like on the other side of the mirror, come and pass through to experience the alternate world. Discover what my life is really like. So hold up the mirror and through the looking glass you go...

I can't believe I'm another year older. It came and went by so fast.

Birthday day:
Coworkers took me out to lunch and then went to happy hour after work. It was a tamed one to say the very least. I guess due in part because it fell on a Thursday. Oh well.

DH came and met us all up, which was a good opportunity for everyone to meet him and vice versa. He looked like a blue smurf in his scurs amongst a sea of suits and ties. I was proud to call the little blue smurf mine though. DH left around 8pm, it was a little awkward parting ways since everyone else was still up for some bar hopping. I pondered for a second how some people would interpert DH's early departure. One, they understand that he's a doctor or two, I'm a bad wife for not going home with my DH? Shurgs.

Side note: Going out is a rarety for me now-a-days, since my sleepy time is around 9:00pm. So sad how DH's schedule has now become mine, except my arse doesn't wake up at 4:00am every morning. That I do not envy for I value my sleep immensely.

Anyway, we did a little salsa dancing afterwards and ended up home around 1am. WAY past this old married hag's bed time. I knew I was going to suffer the next day, but what I didn't know was what a big ole dead log I was going to be.

Post-bday, Friday:
I SUFFERED waking up. I slept to the last second possible and crawled out of bed. I dragged myself into work only to find that I was the only one who didn't call in sick. Why oh why can't I get myself to play hooky? Seriously, there was no reason for me to be there since I was a lump of coal.

I slyly asked my boss if he wouldn't mind if I left early, since I was the ONLY one left in the office. He looked up at me with hesitation and said "I guess you can leave an hour early." Sigh, this guy has something against me.

Today:
DH has to work this weekend. BOOoooooo.

I went to work this morning, met up a friend for some breakfast, and then went to help another friend decorate her classroom. She's so lucky she has found something that she will do for the rest of her life. I thought to myself for a second, what about teaching? But then dismissed it when I thought of the 35 forth graders I would potentially be dealing with. No thank you.

DH called me today and said that he told all his surgeon collegues to come over our house on Monday to BBQ. He said it's a good opportunity for me to meet everyone.

On a side note: He added for me to invite all my single girls... um what single girls? My girls are all married, for crying out loud.

Um... what about consulting me before inviting the entire department over? What about MY labor day weekend? What about some R&R with my husband (whom I never see) out the window?

The house is in disarray and now I have to clean. I HATE cleaning. I would rather be doing something else rather than cleaning. I didn't plan to spend my labor day cleaning. SIGH. Thanks DH for taking me into consideration, once again.

Little does DH know that having a BBQ involves some prep time. A few more days in advance would be nice. And guess who would be doing all the prepping, cooking, AND grilling? ME!

Annoyed? Uh, yeah.

I decided not to argue and instead asked DH nicely if he could possibly provide a weeks in advance notice next time. Wishful thinking, I know. I often times think I just like hearing myself talk when I speak to DH.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we stopped by the bank on the way to the grocery store to deposit a check. DH handed me his wallet and I opened it, only to find a GIRL's number on a rip piece of paper in a GIRL's handwriting...

Staying calm, I asked, "Who is [insert GIRL's name]?"
DH replied, "She's a medical student at the hospital."
Still staying clam, I asked, "Why do you have her number on a ripped piece of paper?"
DH replied, "She going swimming with us."

::Pager goes off in the background:: DH reaches for it and gets distracted from the conversation.

Background: DH and a couple of his collegues go swimming in the ocean on some weekends. They all happen to be MALE.

I asked, "Does she know you're married?"
DH, "Yes."
Testing if DH is listening to me, I asked, "Does she care that you're married?"
DH, still distracted by his page, "No, I don't think so."
Me, "Ha! That was a trick question, shows how much you're listening to me."

Me, "Ok, I need you to stop what you are doing and help me feel better about this because at this moment, I feel very uncomfortable."

::rolling up my sleeves::

DH: "It's no big deal, she's a swimmer and a diver."
Me: "I find it weird that she will be the ONLY female among an all male group in her swimming suit."
DH: "I'm at the beach and at the pool, I'm around that all the time."
Me: "I know that, but she works with you and don't you find it a little odd that she will be the ONLY female there?"
DH: "She's fat and ugly."
Me: "That's suppose to make me feel, how now?"
DH: "..."
Me: "Well, in any case, you can't deny that she's up to something, be it gunning or ?, I'd like to meet her."
DH: "You should come with us then."
Me: "No, thanks you know I don't wake up that early."
DH: "I love you. You have nothing to worry about. Blah, blah, blah."
Me: "Don't get me wrong, I trust you. I just don't trust other women."

Bottomline: girl's name, girl's number, girl's handwritting, piece of paper, unsettling. However, I trust DH, I'm a secure woman, I love him and he loves me.... so I just let it go.

I hope you all are doing well out there. I'm so sorry I haven't been able to blog as much as I wanted to. Things have been pretty busy on my end. I am currently working in politics. I am one of two deputies in the office, so as you can imagine, the workload gets pretty heavy on a daily basis. On top of that, I'm the office's communications person and everything else in between.

I'm finding my job really challenging, but at the same time still find myself yearning for something more meaningful and fulfilling. I struggle with constantly dealing with people's complaints and blame that the city does nothing. I struggle dealing with bureaucracy and constantly being told 'no' and that there is nothing that can be done. I really want to help people solve their problems, but I struggle with 'problems' that are at times just someone taking out their fustrations in life on you (on a daily basis). I think that if it happen to me not quite as frequently, that my job would be more bearable, but it happens all too often and it begins to take a toll on me. I find myself being drained day after day and becoming more jaded, pestimistic, and depressed.

My only console is that it pays the bills. Sad but true. I miss my work in non-profit tremendously and wish I could find the same thing out here. On the bright side, this job has shown me that this may not be the line of work for me. Specifically, politics and personal agendas is something that may be for someone else. My job has really help solify for me that progessing an organization's goal (such as a non-profit) as a whole is much more meaningful and fulfilling. Four years ago, I could have sworn up and down that I love politics and even entertained the notion of being a public official, but boy has time changed.

I tell myself to stick it out for at least a year, but wow, it's tough to think that I've only been in it for two months. Interestingly though, I feel that the days and weeks fly by in a flash. So I hope and pray I can make it to the year mark. I just want to be happy and love what I do, apparently it's not that simple.

However, as I am struggling through my every day, I have the relief of knowing that I can come home to my very loving husband. Granted, he has a very rigorous schedule and deals with sleep deprivation, I still feel extremely lucky to have him to go home to. DH has been extremely supportive and encouraging. I am beginning to feel the itch for graduate school. But the problem remains, I still don't know what to do with my life. Some say just pick something and do it. How do you do that? I wish I knew, because life would make more sense. Feel free to enlighten me if you know the answer. I'm wracking my brain here day in and day out, especially right before I go to sleep at night.

DH is doing well under the circumstance. He is already 3/4th of the way through his first year! Hooray! It has been difficult in terms of getting use to the pressure he brings home from work and his crazy, all over the place schedule, but at the same time, it's been oddly not as horrendous as I conjured in my mind. Don't get me wrong, there has been plenty of tears and headaches involved, but we now find ourselves in a better place, being able to compromise, understand and cherish each other. Recently, DH broke his nose from a surfing accident. He was out in the water on Friday and when he came up for a breath of air, the board hit him in the face and broke his nose. We waited a few days to see if the swelling would subside, but it didn't. Actually, it was more him that waited a few days. The man who is Mr. Doctor is SO stubborn! Anyway, he was post-call today so I called the family doc to see what we should do and he suggested that we go to the ER or wait until tomorrow to see him. We opted for the former since it was his day off. After taking some x-rays and being seen by the doctor, they found a fracture in the upper right side of his nose. He said it was a minor injury and said that if it were him, he wouldn't do anything about it. I just hope and pray that DH doesn't end up with a crooked nose! Although, he also suggested to wait for a week or two to allow the swelling to decrease before seeing a specialist. We'll follow up in a week.