Desperate Fashionista Diary

[Vishenka69]

Me thinks I need to start blogging...

Hey, all the cool kids are doing it. In truth I've been having lots of thoughts lately and nobody to bounce them off of. Well, I do bounce them off people but DH just rolls his eyes and calls me crazy and my friends half listen and nod. I'll try to inject some fun here and there by posting pictures of my recent aquisitions or drools.

I've recently realized that I'm great at giving advice and objectively dissecting other people's problems and guiding them through but suck at applying this to myself. This past year I've also realized that I can either do a strong Me or a strong We but not both at the same time. If one works well, I question the validity of the other. I can't belive I'm still struggling with this after being together for 10 years and married for 5 of them. During training I worked really hard at building the Me part, which worked great to support me during those years but at the end of residency I realized it was at the expense of We. So these past 7 months I threw everything at the We and somehow lost Me in the process. The transition from training to attendinghood came with a pile of realizations that somehow all came out of the shadows at once. Just when I thought the time for relaxation and enjoyment finally came, instead it was time to address all the issues that have been pushed to the back burner (off the stove out of the kitchen and into the corner of the hallway closet) for close to 9 years.

Trying to deal with all of them at once is hugely overwhelming, so once again I'm trying to ignore them as much as I can by burrying my head in the sand and pretending they're not there. I guess it's time to be adult about this and deal with them one at a time in a calm and dignified matter. May be actually hashing it all out here will help me get a grip and look at them objectively. Instead of trying to duel with myself inside my head (migraines anyone?).

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my parents and my relationship with them. Being an only child I feel responsibility to be everything they've ever wanted. They never came out to quite say what they want, but it's been implied more than a gazillion times. I often wish I had a sibling or two, so that some of this responsibility could be shared. Then I could be a rebel without feeling guilty and they'd have to fullfill the other niches if they wished.

Largely my mom is such an overprotective freak as a result of trying to correct for everything her mother never was. My grandma was a doctor through WWII and then big shot head of cardiology at one of the large hospitals for many years. The kids were largely because my grandfather wanted them and so he was the mother figure to them. As a result my mom decided to be the exact opposite of my grandma, which is great on one level but not so great on another one.

All the women on my mom's side with the exception of her sister are very headstrong. We need to be leaders in our personal lives and often professional ones as well. That's also the main reason we don't get along that well because we're too similar and butt heads way too much. I became a daddy's girl early on because he was easier to manipulate and I felt was a lot more rational than my mom. There's also very acidic and ironic sense of humor that we both share. My mom never forgave me for choosing my dad over her. She gets upset if my dad and I so much as exchange a look.

Another issue is that she never quite accepted that I'm my own person with dreams, desires and aspirations of my own. She doesn't understand when I want something that goes against what she thinks I should want or what she wants for me. Really trully doesn't understand. Her own parents were such a constant presence in her life that my desire to be independent is trully baffling to her. It's a concept she just can't grasp. And I dont' know how to explain it to her. After all my dad gets me just fine without us having hour-long discussion on the same topic over and over.

Right now we're butting heads over my decision to not pursue a corporate career and delay having children until I feel that I'm ready. She was always career driven as oppose to my dad who couldn't care less how prestigious his job was as long as he was making decent money. I took after him, plus I realized early on that pursuing my own career will put even greater strain on my relationship with DH and that since one of us had to be more flexible and it wasn't going to be him...by default it had to be me. Being a skeptic, I'm not naive enough to think that I can have it all and picked my marriage over a career. Yes, DH would support me in whatever I chose but it would ultimately be up to me to balance it all. My mom never understood the strains medicine puts on a marriage and as a result doesn't understand why I had to choose one over the other. I also think that deep down she regrets paying for my private college since I could be doing nothing just the same if I went to a state school for free.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

My supervisor left for the day (it's 4:15pm), and I feel the need to stay for a bit before clocking out.

I'm super ticked off at the dealership for taking over 3 weeks with the car. I appreciate that they want to make sure everything works and are polishing it up and stuff but 3 freaking weeks!!! I'm so done with rentals and want my car back. The only good news is that there was a minor scratch on it that's our fault but they think it's theirs, so they're fixing it. Oh and the rental place said to ignore the service light. But I still want my car back!!!

I've also decided that I'm going to quit the stupid temp gig at the end of the month. I'm sliding back to the sleep deprived cranky overweight monster with bad skin that I was in NY and I don't like it. This paycheck just isn't worth it. I'm not meant for an 8-5. I'm not a morning person and I'll never be and I need to accept it. I'd really rather having my own thing going but first we need to figure out where we'll be in 6 months. If we stay here, there's tons of potential as the area is really growing and gentrifying. But if we move... May be I'll just pop and be done with it.

I've been also trying to remember at what point I became a control freak. I was so laid back in college, well for the most part. I was always spoiled and liked things done my way but I don't think I was a control freak until med school started. It was only then that I realized how little control I had over a huge chuck of what was going on in our life and tried to so desperately control everything else. I became an insance list maker and spreadsheeter. If I could fit it into a nice neat spreadsheet, I felt better, I felt in control. Nothing feeds the list mania like wedding planning. I had a list for everything. Since DH was largely absent during this transformation (which took about 2.5 years), he was scared to see the end result. He's still adjusting. :> But my wedding vendors loved me because I largely did their job for them (sometimes even rewriting the contracts), the accountant we met with last week was super impressed too and he doesn't seem to be complaining about my careful monitory budgeting or vacation planning.

The bad sides to my OCD is that I'm absolutely horrible about delegating anything at home or at work. If my instructions aren't carried out to the t, I totally freak. Even if the difference is miniscule, it bothers me and I wish I just did it myself. DH jumped on this though and practically doesn't touch anything at home remining me that I'll be redoing it anyway even if I keep giving direction while he's doing it.

I also get into huge fights with my mom about it. Surprise, surprise. Here's one example.

Mom: I'm in a store and there are these great jackets and you need a new one. They have them in red, brown and black, which color do you want?
Me: mom, I don't need a new jacket, it's a pain to drive 1.5 hours to pick it up from you and if it doesn't fit, you'll have to return it. Please don't buy it. I really, really don't need or want another jacket.
Mom: But I really like it and you need a new jacket. Besides I'm paying for it.
Me: I DON'T WANT A JACKET!!! I don't care who's paying for it.
Mom: why are you screaming at me. click.
ten minutes later.
Mom: So I decided to get you a red one, everything you have is black. I'm standing in line for the register and realized I'm not sure if you need a S or a M.
Me: I DON'T WANT A JACKET!!! I'M NOT COMING TO GET IT!!! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!
later that night.
Dad: Why did you scream at your mother this afternoon. She's really upset and you have to apologize.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

DH was on call yesterday which usually means I spend the day analyzing myself, our interaction and thinking up all kinds of horrible and depressing scenarios out of thin air. I don't know how this tradition got started but it's been going for a while. I'm sure genetics have something to do with this, as my mom is known to start the day (announced during breakfast) with, "I've been lying and thinking..."

So, yesterday I was thinking how during training all my energy was so focused on my relationship with DH that I've pretty much managed to ignore my parents for the most part. Plus they also gave me a lot more breathing room as I would lash out anytime they tried to get too close. But now that I'm a lot more calmer and ration, they've closed in once again.

Last night I was trying to figure why at the age of 30, their approval still means so much to me. There are some issues which completely bounce off me and yet there are others that burrow all the way through. My mom's obsession with weight has never bothered me. She can tell me that I'm fat until she's blue in the face and I'll keep eating muffins in front of her. But when she mentions how wastefull it is for me to be a housewife, I completely fall apart. Mentally I understand that both points score the same on the ridiculousness chart but emotionally one hurts a lot more than the other. I can't figure out why.

I don't care about where they think I should live or what kind of house I should buy or when I should have a baby. But their disapproval of my mentioning of a possibility of doing a Ph.D bugged me so much I've completely crossed it off the list. I can probably write a book full of "what-was-she-thinking" comments from my mom (and occassionally my dad). I have always been a daddy's girl and tried to be as independent as possible. So why do some comments bother me so much while others I barely notice. That's the million dollar question.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

In honor of Match Day.

Back in the day, 5 years to the day to be exact, there were no emails or phone calls. Everyone gathered in a big room or autrium off the lobby in our case and got an envelope with a piece of paper deciding their fate for the next x years. The top of the paper listed prelim program and the bottom listed the specialty program. Two black lines on white letter size paper folded twice. There were also fruit, cheese & crackers, coffee/tea and soda served afterward to either celebrate or mourn the fate one received in that envelope. In DH's case it was mourn, in my case it was and some :>.

I knew that we'll be staying in NY, since that's all we ranked and the program itself didn't make that much difference to me. I was in the final stages of the wedding planning and very close to not murdering DH in cold blood on daily basis. Plus earlier that morning I got fired for the first time in my life (and hopefully last).

Looking back I'm surprised that we ended up going through with the wedding but glad that we did it. The six month before the wedding and the first year of marriage were the hardest for us. There was probably more hate in the air during those 18 months than love. We have a nasty habit of turning on each other during times of great stress. I think the only exception was the wedding day itself, during which both of us were genuinely happy.

Having world's greatest memory when it comes to DH's missteps, I still to this day haven't forgotten or forgiven him for totally and completely ignoring me on that fatefull Match Day. He has never acknowledged the fact or offered any support with regard to it. The results of the match trumped everything and still do. Anything and everything negative about his program was attributed as my fault for insisting we stay in NY. 99% of the time I know he doesn't mean this personally and is just frustrated but 1% of the time when I'm equally stressed and frustrated I let him know exactly what I think about his attitude.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

Talking to one of my friends last night I realized (god I need to get a few synonyms for that word, it's repetitiveness is really beginning to bug me) that we're somewhat exlorers. Since we like to travel and are still on a limited budget, we try to look for bargain countries when we plan our trips. This means that when we announce our next destination we usually get, "Who goes there?" and "What is there to do there anyway?" But a year or two later, it becomes the new hot IT spot and the prices triple or quadruple and all those people who poo-poo'ed our choice earlier get to pay a lot more. :>

Although with a weak dollar it's very hard to find economies that are a bargain compared to ours. Which is why we're sticking with the good ol' US of A for at least a year or so. Why look for foreign bargains, if there's a domestic one right under our noses. Although I would absolutely love to go back to South America some time in the very near future. After NY, Buenos Aires is out most favorite city in the world. But you have to be a city person to appreciate it.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

I obviously have way too much time on my hands and it's nice to be paid to do something that you'd be doing for free anyway (like spending time on iMSN).

Parents often talk about funny things their children say. There's even a Russian book that's basically a compilation of amusing sayings by toddlers, it's called "From three to five." I've often thought of doing something similar with what my mom says. My dad and I agreed long ago that she has her own unique logic and set of rules that just doesn't apply to anyone else and can't be generalized. 99% of the time I can't figure out how she comes up with this stuff and in what universe it can possibly make sense. Here are some examples.

"You know C [her friend] gained weight recently and it really doesn't bother her at all. I mean I keep thinking about how can it not bother her even a little. It really bothers me a lot."

"You really shouldn't introduce your DH to M. What do you mean why, because she's divorced."

"I spoke to your MIL last night and her voice was so weird. I don't think she likes me."

"You have to keep working because look at what happened to E and L. They lost their husbands in early 50s and now have money problems."

"Why do I have to drive an hour to see a good doctor if there's somebody a few blocks away."

"Why do I have to pick an anesthesiologist, does it matter who give me IV?"

"If you keep telling me about tubes being stuck down my throat, I'll cancel the surgery."

"What do you want for your birthday? Because I already ordered you something you need."

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

I hate working for women and hate when they work for me. I can work in the same office with them and occassionally work on the same project with them but not all the time on daily basis. I wonder if most of my negative experiences had to do with working for older women or having older women answer to me. They are so vindictive. Seriously how is my marital status, lack of children or size of my ass relevant to the financial data we're working with.

My current immediate boss is a single mother with two kids. They are teenagers and her mom lives very close and helps out every day. And yet almost every day she comments out of the blue how she's a single mother and her life is so hard. These comments are totally out of the blue and are not relevant to anything at all. So what am I suppose to do, get a divorce and give birth to twins in the next ten minutes? Will that make her feel better and less bitchy to me. She's fine with other people, granted I haven't seen her interact with another younger woman in my situation.

Why are women such bitches to each other?

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

In case any of you are wondering why I haven't updated the blog since last Thursday it was because I wasn't at work on Friday or Monday. I'm usually not bored enough at home to do this but have plenty of time at work for random musings.

The extra days off work were spent relaxing (sleeping until 1pm and reading for hours at B&N) and some thorough cleaning. I never thought I would get into cleaning so much but after going through 4 cleaning women in the past 8 years, I realized that I like my way better. In the past there was simply no time for me to do everything but now I'd prefer not to outsource cleaning (at least while we're still apt dwellers). I prefer knowing that if something was missed or isn't perfect, at least it was free.

DH has serious ADD. Last week he couldn't leave this place fast enough and now he's back to searching local real estate pages. We also had a discussion this weekend how we're not ready to necessarily settle down anywhere and have 2.5 kids and a dog. But isn't buying a house settling down? I'm so confused, I have no idea what's going on. Which only makes me more ODC in other areas that I can control. May be that's why I've been cleaning like a mad woman. Controling the dust content makes me feel better. :huh:

I'm torn about going to Bloomies this weekend. There's a sale and I got coupons in the mail but I don't really need anything or have space for new things, it's an hour away (it'll cost me half a tank to go there and back). But then a friend of mine was telling me about her shopping spree in Hermes last week and I got jealous. I want pretty designer things too. Althought I can do without her credit card debt. May be I should get off my ass and put some things I don't wear anymore on ebay and make some cash and space for new stuff. But I've been trying to do that since last summer. Even new laptop with build in camera and a post office two blocks down with very polite staff aren't enough of an incentive.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

I'm at work and I'm bored, therefore I feel obligated to blog. don't have any deep thoughts today, so this will just be a rambling update post.

April 15th is the last day of my current daytime nightmare of a job. I really want to print a blown up version of a calendar and put fat red X's through each day, but think that might be an overkill. The big boss (not the b*tch that I work for directly) asked tentatively if they can request me after my vacation. I said yes, but we'll see how that works out. I don't like burning bridges behind me, you never know.

I still have tons to do for our TX trip and only 3 weeks left to do it. Being an OCD freak that I am, I like to preplan as much stuff as possible, including free time. I could never backpack through Europe as I'd have an ulcer not knowing what I'm doing the next day or the next week or the next month.

I'm also trying to figure out if seeing Cirque du Soleil twice with a three months interval is too much. They'll be different shows but I feel that all of them have a very similar underlying concept. If it is too much, which should I go for, the Philly one in June or the Vegas (one of five) one in September. I think I need to watch the trailers on their site and figure out how similar the shows are.

I also want to take advantage of DH's attending schedule and paycheck and see as many shows/concerts as I can and book them months in advance. I'm so giddy with this newly found freedom that I feel I might be going a bit overboard with all my planning and booking. I also want to do at least a few theater weekends in NY.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

Disclaimer: This is not directed toward anyone in particular (hence is posted in my blog and not in any specific thread dealing with any specific topic), but just something that's been brewing in my head and I feel the need to express. If you're feeling sensitive today or self-concious or might attribute anything written below as a personal insult, please stop here.



I genuinely don't understand when people state things like:

- Why wear nice clothes if they'll get stained anyway
- Why get nice suitcases if they'll get stolen
- Why have long nails if they'll break
- Why get on a plane if you might get stuck on it for an extra hour or two
- Why bother getting a passport if everything I need to see if is in my own back yard
- Why bother working if I can just take out more loans

The world would obviously be a very boring place if everyone was a clone and looked and thought the same way. But I just can't help but be bafled by some of the opinions expressed. Along the same lines, I don't understand people who are expecting our President to solve all their problems. The reason I don't like politics is because about 90% of what any politician is saying is complete bullshit and if they believe any of it, they're even stupider than the people who elected them. And I'm really bothered by all these proclamations about saving the middle class. I think first middle class needs to be redefined because at this point it's really not clear who will be saving whom, but something tells me we'll end up paying for it.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

It's 17 days until I drive DH to the airport to fly to FL to take the blasted orals. Every day for the past couple of months, I've been silently telling myself that killing him now won't help and he'll return to his normal self soon. Man, he's lucky we didn't get around to getting him that multi-million dollar life insurance. Otherwise, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself. On the other hand, he knows this and I think is stalling precisely because of that.

I want to go shopping so badly. I haven't really bought anything in a while and now that my weekends are spent cleaning and running errands, driving an hour to a decent store (aka Bloomingdales) is just not an option. Internet shopping is not nearly as satisfying as physically being in a store. Once we're back from TX, I'm hitting the outlets ASAP. Hopefully by that point, I'll lose my work fat and will be able to buy size 6 again.

My London friend has once again flaked out on us and now the spa weekend in Hershey will be brunch and mani/pedi in NY. Just yesterday the NY friend was telling me that she had a dream in which the London girl flaked out and I was trying to convince her that we're still on. So I IM'ed the London girl today and lo and behold, the NY friend was right. Whatever, the good part is that I get to see my mom on Mother's Day. Although I might not think this is good when I'm driving back home that Sunday.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

I absolutely hate waking up in the morning. Whoever decided that it's normal to start working at 8am should be shot. Now that we've got electricity 24/7 I really don't see any logical reasons for putting innocent people through this torture. If another person tells me that I'll get used to it, I will snap their head off. I'm 30 and have been getting up at 6-7am since I was 6, when am I going to get used to it? I've hated it for 24 years and it hasn't gotten any easier.

This is completely unrelated to how many hours of sleep I get, I can go to sleep at 8-9pm (and this is when my body and mind shut down automatically on this schedule) and still not be able to wake up the next morning and be cranky for the rest of the day. When pressed, I can function in a semi-normal mode but no amount of caffeine will turn me into a completely awake person.

I will not return to full-time workforce unless I can start work at 10am the earliest. Are there jobs out there that are second shifts (afternoon or evening or both) but no weekends and lots of vacation time? I've been toying with an idea of opening my own business of sorts but not sure if I'm ready for the time commitment. DH will be back to great hours after the boards and I want to take advantage of that. The few months after we moved and before he started studying again were great and I want more of that. We barely saw each other in the past 9 years and I'd like some Me time before we do anything drastic.

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

I was reading a blog of a friend of a friend who's my age, also works in finance and is recently married. She was writing that her career will always come first before any personal relationships in her life. Granted in a timeline, her career did come first before she even started dating her current husband.

Her post got me thinking in how much that matters - does the sequence of career and meeting your future spouse really predicts which will become a first priority. In high school and freshman year of college I was very career driven, while my classmates and friends talked about meeting The One, I dreamed of wearing power suits and commanding a large staff. Then I met DH and started interning in large financial companies. Several realizations have settled in by the time I was graduating - 1) corporate world is not what it seems to be and is full of bullship, backstabbing and meaningless number crunching; 2) you can't have it all or at least be good at all, something inevitably will suffer; 3) DH is way more dedicated to his career choice than I will ever be; 4) I'd rather be more successful in my personal life than professional one.

I keep thinking what would happen if I hadn't met DH so early in life and wasn't worried about balancing my relationship with him and a career at the same time. Would I be more professionally successful than I am today? Or would my inherit lazyness and hating of early mornings land me exactly where I am today? Will I ever stop wondering "What if..."?

[Vishenka69]

Re: Desperate Fashionista Diary

I'm fully aware of beating a dead horse but after yet another conversation with my mother I'm once again reeling. I can't believe she has the nerve to call me selfish. Appearently it's very selfish to want to have a life that doesn't include your parents on a 24/7 basis. It turns out we moved to PA and only 1.5 hours away for the sole reason to get away from her and not for DH's job. Wouldn't I choose a further location if I truly wanted to get away? How is she not the selfish one for not letting me have a life?

I'm just so pissed right now. I try my best to make them proud and to have a good relationship with them but this kind of crap just drives me further away. It's always the same song and dance, "OMG we never see you," "OMG you don't want to see us," "OMG you don't care about your family," "OMG I can't believe you haven't spoken to your cousin in 5 years..."

For the record, we speak every day and I see them about once a month or so. I also have nothing to say to my cousin who happens to be a royal bitch. Back when we lived in Brooklyn (intern year) a few blocks away from them she kept hitting DH for letting her use his MD license, so she she can open an office and see her own patients (she's an NP). He obviously didn't want to have anything to do with such blatant fraud and told her no way in hell. She got pissed, we haven't spoken since. As far as I'm concerned, case closed.

Short of becoming her lap dog and never leaving her sight or become her marionette doll, I have no idea what she wants or expects from me. Who wouldn't run away from an irrational hysterical woman with unrealistic expectations.

DH is so lucky he's on call tonight because I really feel like hitting and throwing things.