HELP-screaming toddler--any suggestions??

Hi everyone, I have been a member for a few months, but I haven't had much time to post messages. I am a SAHM to my son, Evan, who is 18 months old. We have just started trying to get pregnant again, although the past two weeks with Evan and daddy have been good birth control.

Even though it is starting to get cold out, Evan insists on being outside hours on end, and he screams uncontrollably when I bring him in. The temper tantrums have begun, and I just can't stand it! He has a tantrum just about any time he doesn't get his way. I love being at home with him, but this is madness! ANY advice??? What I have been doing is just letting him scream and cry--and he hurls himself on the floor--he eventually stops, but by then, I am hurling myself on the floor having my own fit. It is sucking the life out of me!! HOW do you have more than one???? Am I insane?? Thank god for the mommy groups and this online group, or I would have been checked out about 18 months ago!!

AND THEN--daddy comes home--happy, cute, adorable, giggling Evan emerges.....and he thinks I am NUTS! It is hard to complain to someone about Evan trying to flush his toothbrush down the toilet when they just had a patient die in the hospital!! That is one of my biggest frustrations--my day to day life could NEVER be as hard as his!!

Oh well, I have gone on long enough, I do feel better, though! This could be as good as having a glass of wine and a big piece of chocolate!

Renee

[DCJenn]

Renee-

As fabulous as we are- we definitely do not beat a big glass of wine and a piece of chocolate. Nothing beats those. (OK, maybe one thing...)

Jenn

Jenn-

Thanks! for all the great support. I guess I needed it tonight! What else to do on a Friday night, DH on call, toddler asleep? Shopping & posting messages online, a glass of wine, and all that chocolate left over from Halloween!

Can you tell I didn't get out much this week?!!

[Phoebe]

Hi Renee- Nice to meet you. It sounds like you have your hands full right now. I am at home tonight with DH on call and a toddler (13 months) asleep. I had some chocolate too and fell asleep on the couch. Too bad we don't live closer. I wish I had more advice to give about tantrums. We haven't encountered those quite yet. I have finally adjusted to staying at home and enjoy it, there are days when I go absolutely nuts, especially when sleep deprived. My daughter is into everything lately including the trash and sometimes I am just not prepared for what she is going to find. It is hard to get things done. Of course, my dh wonders what I do all day. Avery also has gotten into the habit lately of waking up at 2am screaming. It ususally takes her awhile to get back to sleep and leaves my dh and I tired the next day.

Renee, I feel your pain!!

Jennifer

[mommax3]

Renee,

I have three boys, 7, 4, and 1. I had my oldest at the end of my husband's second year of med school. I can definitely relate to your post. My youngest (14 months) is right on the verge of starting the tantrums and I am not looking forward to it.

The tantrums will pass, believe me. They stem (as I am sure you have figured out) from the frustration of not being able to talk, and not being in control of his own life. If he is determined to have a tantrum and you can't talk him out of it (as is usually the case) take him to his room, (or a separate room from you) make sure he can't hurt himself if he flails around, and leave him there. Check on him occasionally but don't stay in there. It is torture for you (makes you feel like you should be doing something to help) and it gives him an audience. I always used the time to do a quick chore, like load the dishwasher, and I would tell the child "Mommy is going to (do whatever) and she will be back later, or you can come find me when you are done crying." This will save your sanity and hopefully ease the feeling that you are being held against your will in a home for the mentally unstable.

I also understand about feeling like your hard days don't measure up to your husband's -- they are different, but my husband is the first to say that both are equally frustrating.

I used to wonder how people had more than one, too -- notice the age difference between my boys -- it always took quite a while before I was ready to try again. The tantrum stage really does pass, and by the time Evan is talking, things will be much better. Another thing that helped me with my oldest (the strongest-willed of the three and the biggest tantrum thrower) was to give him a heads-up about my plans for him -- i.e. after we go get the ball, it will be time to go inside. Toddlers understand more than we realize, and that will give him some time to come to terms with what is going to happen before it actually happens. Or here is another example -- my son always lost it when it was time to leave the playplace at McDonalds (good for active kids when it is cold out, FYI!) so we would talk before we even went in and I would say "Mommy will let you play for a while and when it is time to go, I don't want to see any tantrums. What will you do when Mommy says it is time to go? Will you have any tantrums?" I would make him say back to me that he would not have a tantrum. I would also give him a 2 minute warning or whatever before we had to go. This helped, but nothing is 100 percent. Sometimes they just have to let it rip! Just don't give in, or he will become more determined than ever to get his way.

I hope this helped and doesn't come across like I think I know it all -- I DON'T! -- but I do have experience with this, and I think I am going to be getting some more in the next few months.

Sally

Excellent post, Sally. I agree 100%. I put mine (2 years old) in his room when he has his tantrum and close the door. After a few minutes I ask him through the door if he's "done being upset/crying" Sometimes he says no and sometimes he says yes. When he's ready (and he does know if he is or not) he can come out and the slate is wiped clean.

Hang in there!!

Sally has a great idea that has worked for us. The schedule is very important. We give our daughter time remaining: 15 minutes/10 minutes/5 minutes/2 minutes . . . okay, lets go! Be stern about it, especially if there are other kids/moms/dads around. He'll learn that you aren't kidding and won't want to embarrass himself in front of others.
We also use this at night. 8:00 "Quiet time" in her room to read, play quietly, get teeth brushed and flossed. 30 minutes 'til lights out/15 minutes/5 minutes/2 minutes 'til lights out . . .then huggs and kisses at 9:00 with lights out. NO Exceptions. We started at about 18 months, and at 7 3/4 we've had no bedtime battles. She'll ask what's up if we are 5 minutes late!
A "Time out" place needs to be invented. As Sally mentioned, someplace you can put him where he can't hurt himself when left alone. Time out has to be an "un-fun" place to be effective. We made our daughter's bed the time-out "Grounded" place. No toys, no books, no stuffed animals. She's only gone there twice in the 5 years since being instilled.
Of course . . . we have a girl! Boys are much different, but you get the idea. Give clear rules, and consequences. What you accept now, he will want you to accept later.
Sorry this is so long. Also, trade an outdoor fun for an indoor fun. A favorite snack inside. A game. When my daughter decided she didn't want to drink milk, I made it red with food coloring. Then blue, then green, then yellow, then orange . . .by the time I ran out of new colors, I got a straw. It was fun all over again. Now she drinks it white out of a glass every day. Just work your way through each "phase" as it comes along. But, try and stay a couple of weeks in front of him. They learn fast.
Best of luck. Xz

screaming toddler

Hi everyone
Thank you for the great advice, it is so tremendously helpful! I can learn a lot from all of you! We have instituted the time out, and it seems to be working slowly. Right now, it works better with dad than with mom, but we are getting there. One thing I realized is that I was sometimes so caught up in my "chore"-making lunch, making dinner, laundry, etc. that I wasn't giving him enough of my attention. AND, we didn't get out to play groups at all last week-so he was bored. This week has been better, but he is still doing the whining thing--usually only to me-not a tantrum, just a slow annoying whiny cry. I just keep telling him I do not respond to whining, and if he needs something to tell me or point to what it is. I just have to remember that being a toddler is frustrating, like Sally mentioned-he is not able to control his life.
Anyway--as I re-read my post, I realized how I may have sounded like I dislike my own child. I have to say, Evan is a wonderful child, I adore him, he is so happy and well adjusted, and so much fun to be with--I guess I thought-my child won't throw tantrums! HA!!

Thanks for the support

[mommax3]

Renee,

Glad things are better. You hit on a good idea yourself by realizing that you needed to spend more time with him. I found that if I spent most of my day trying to get stuff done in spite of my kids, I would definitely pay for it later. Sometimes you just have to let stuff go and sit on the floor with them -- it IS important and they won't always want you to. Treasure it.

Also, don't ever worry about how you "sound" when you post -- we have all been there in some aspect, whether it is kids, money, or marriage. A lot of what is here is venting and I take the circumstances with a grain of salt, but never how the person posting feels. (Does that make any sense? )

Anyway, keep up the good fight against the whining and let us know how things are going!

Sally

[houseelf]

Renee, Sally, Xz, Jenn, & Jennifer,

It was refreshing to read these posts. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but sometimes I take these tantrums personally, as in, if I were a better mother, I could somehow prevent or control this behavior. I do realize that these thoughts are remnants of the self-esteem movement run amuck in our times. Usually, I come to my senses and deal with the situation instead of trying to placate him with "oh, do you want this, this, this, or this?" type of response. Fortunately, my hubby has the benefit of a large build, a stern voice, and a no-nonsense manner that really helps curtail these episodes when he is around.

In other words, I guess we are just muddling our way through the twos with the best of you! Whew! He is a fantastic kid but sometimes parenting is a challenge! Best of luck to all of us.

Kelly