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Hi there!

I just wanted to introduce myself to you b/c I am a wife to a first-year Family Medicine Resident and can sympathize with the stress of being being married to an intern!!! We have two sons, an almost 8-year-old and a 5-month old. It is more stressful at certain rotations than others, like for us, we get most stressed out during medicine rotations. I am not sure if this is true of all residency programs or not, but here it's tough! If you would ever like to talk or compare our stressful times of being married to an intern (ie, first-year resident), I am willing to speak with you here or by email (mdspouse@yahoo.com).

I also can completely understand you staying back while your daughter completes her jr high and you staying at your job. I am guessing it takes about 1 1/2 -2 hours for your wife to come visit you and the children. I would venture that it is lonely on both sides of the family unit. If anyway you can live together, I would think that would make a huge difference; however, that may not be feasible in your personal situation.

My husband is very tired at the end of the day and although he hasn't had the depression and anxiety, I would venture to say I am taking his intern year harder than he is. He's from the other side of the spectrum whereas he is unemotional after a long day's work. Many times he comes home, eats and goes to sleep or watches NFL as his down time. I miss his attention, yet after I give some extra attention, he usually lightens up!!! I just wanted to say "hi" and hope we can be supportive of one another in this intern year. It has been extremely hard, yet the upper-year residents say that 2nd and 3rd years are soooo much better! We're half through the first year!!! Sing praises to that! ~smiles~

Christy

Wow! What a hard time you are having! My experience in your questions is closer to what your daughters are going through. My mom went to school to become an RN when I was 14 and just starting high school. It was really, really hard because part of the training required her to be gone A LOT (not quite as much as a resident, but more than a normal 40/wk job PLUS she had all of her studying). I think you are such a great dad to put your daughters' needs ahead of anything else and when I was their ages I probably wouldn't want to move at such a time, either. HOWEVER, your marriage and its strength is highly important to the stability of your home and these important years for your children. Teens are fragile emotionally in many, many ways. So, you have to weigh - what will ultimately be more important to them - living around their old friends and not having to make new ones OR having their parents' marriage be strong and perhaps be able to spend more time with their mom (if ya'll are living together she will be around more - tired, but at least physically present which IS important). It sounds like what you and your wife are experiencing is not healthy and whatever adversley affects your relationship also adversely affects your children. I guess I see you made a decision in the kids' best interest, but I think that this is a case that, since you and your wife's marriage stands to crumble from this, where the needs of the family should come first. And since you and your wife are the foundation of your family you should make your decision to keep that foundation strong and stable. I guess in a roundabout way I am saying, sometimes (in order to do what is best for your kids) you must put your marriage ahead of the children's desires.

Also, have you talked with your kids about what they want? Do they miss their mom? Mom is much more important to them and their emotional stability than their high school or old friends. They might hate moving, but, if you tell them WHY you would be moving (to save your marriage and their relationship with their mom) they might just show a great amount of maturity and accept it.

As far as your job, it seems to me that you and your wife had a decision to make regarding careers and whose would be a priority. It appears that for your wife, her career is priority over yours. Now, you could either stay where you are and keep you present job stability but loose your marital stability, OR you can agree with her that her career takes priority right now and work around that by moving nearer to her. Does she at all resent you for lack of supporting her? You have to realize this woman is being worked to the bone night and day. She probably needs you more than you need her right now. What does she want?

I just noticed this post...hope I am not too late with my response. I think that 3 years is probably too long to stay apart........I know you don't want to hear that....sorry . Junior high is a rough time for girls, but they need their moms too. It is hard enough to have a parent/mom in medical school or residency. The additional stress of having mom live 100 miles away and then realizing that there is strain in your relationship is a lot of stress for young children. Residency is hard, but I think that you all need to find a way to do it together as a family....If you are only seeing each other one day every three weeks then that means that for 1-2 days a month you and your children are all fighting for mom's attention....I just don't know how that could work for all of you and I really, really feel for you all. Perhaps your wife could look into switching residency programs to be nearby or you can look at moving out towards her?

How are your children handling the stress? It can't be easy on any of you....you are in my thoughts. Feel free to email anytime. kmmath@hotmail.com

Kris

Janet, Kris, Christy, Jennifer,

Thanks so much for replying. My name is Art.

Sounds like the consensus is for me to bite the bullet and move to where my wife is doing her residency. Actually, we have been planning all along for me to move up with the kids next summer. My daughter will be in between middle school and high school. It will be a good time for us to move since she'll have to be starting in a new school regardless if we stay here or move up. I've been hesitant for a number of reasons. Foremost is the job situation. I'm not certain I'll be able to find a job in the town she's doing her residency that pays as well and is as stable as the job I now have (I've been where I am for nearly 20 years and it's hard for me to let go of that security and seniority and move on), Secondly, I really don't want to have to cope with her stress and anxiety. I've had enough for too many years. I need some relief now for once. Her stress and anxiety tends to come out inappropriately as antagonism towards me, and sometimes the kids. I was trying to buffer the kids from it this first year. But, the reality is that, being alone and isolated the way I am, I end up angry and frustrated a lot, and my own depression over this situation manifests itself with anger sometimes.

Yes, my daughter really needs mom around a lot more than a couple days out of the month. It's definitely not working with her only coming to visit us on rare occasion. My wife worked Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, then had a week off following New Years. She took the kids on a little vacation which was good for them. I wasn't able to go because I had to work. I was very very upset over this.

Another problem we have is reconnecting when she's home. With the kids dominating all her time we don't get a chance to even talk when she's home. I've also been insisting that she spend as much time as possible with the kids. Reconnecting is difficult when you've been living for weeks and weeks with anger and loneliness. My wife gets standoffish with me because I'm so darn moody whenever she comes. She told me flat out that it's extremely difficult for her to come home after working so much, being tired, and having to deal with an angry husband. She's asked me to do something to get control of my anger and try to make the best of her being home. Wow! That's where I am now. Trying to figure out how to control myself when she's home. I'm afraid with the anger I've been avoiding her at home because I don't want an incident, plus I don't want to ruin my kids time with her. I really don't know what to do about my anger other than stuffing it and focusing on making our precious little time good. Somehow working out, activities, venting with friends, etc., only goes so far. The pain doesn't go away that easily for me.

I've asked her to avoid doing anything extra that's outside of her assignments and schedule. I know she wants to do as much as possible because she's a 1st year resident, but I get resentful when I find out that she could've spent time with us but instead was catching up on her charting. The charts will always be there, and she'll always be horribly behind with them, but we need a little priority now in her life too. Like I've told her, she's doing just fine and hanging in there. It's not perfect, and she's not working to line herself up for a Nobel Prize, and she'll have to totally mess up to get kicked out of the program, and she WILL finish up and get her license, so she might as well slack off whenever the opportunity presents itself and be with us.

I believe Jennifer brought up an interesting dilemma. Should I give up my job and restart my career so we can move to be near her? Could I do this so she can pursue her career? My job now is the heart and soul of our financial security for the moment. If I moved I would not be able to find a job that paid as well. She doesn't have a career now. She's still in training and earning a small 1st year residents' income. I would hate to add money problems into the mix of stressors. I've thought a lot about it and I would have no problem giving up my job and the security it now gives us if my wife's income could replace what I lose in the process. As a family we wouldn't lose any more financial ground. I'm a professional as well (not in medicine), and I could easily see starting my own solo practice with the security knowing that my wife's income will sustain us as I build my own clientele, which will take seven years in my reckoning. Another huge issue for me at my age (46) and my wife's age (41) is retirement savings. The fact is that she hasn't earned a decent paycheck or contributed to our retirement savings in many, many years. The reality is that school loans (unless she can find a good loan-forgiveness situation) will eat into our future ability to save even when she gets into practice and begins working. We were able to pay for one year and she went to a state school, so we're not gonna be hurting as much as a lot of other families. My true feelings is that I've sacrificed tremendously up to this point starting with her taking pre-med courses, through med school, and now her residency training, and I've supported her as much as any person can by providing a stable financial situation at home, caring for our children, maintaining our home and the other things in our life, and encouraging her as much as possible to realize her dream. Must I now give up my job and career??? I've given up a lot not having a real marriage here and no emotional support for myself. I honestly don't have much more to give. The fact is, and hear me close, the decision to do her residency 100 miles from us was hers alone. There were a number of very good family practice residency programs right here where we live she could have applied to. In fact, most of the students from her school who are interested in family medicine will apply and get programs right here in town. She wanted out of here bad and made the decision to go elsewhere. Actually, she wanted to apply to even more distant programs but I put my foot down and selected programs nearby for her to apply to. I thought it was a fair compromise. She got away from this town and I got her to stay an hour and a half away. I won't support her destroying what little family life and marriage we now have. Too much damage has gone on and it has to stop.

One more thing and I'll end this tome. When she comes home I don't want to see her doing ANY work here. I don't want her bringing in her journals or unfinished charts. And I don't want to listen to her talk about patients or the latest disease or what happened the other night in the ER. Maybe someday I will be able to listen to it and better share her day. But, the fact is, it is this very situation she describes that has broken us apart and I'm very resentful about it. I insist she leave that stuff at the hospital, and I insist that she talk about us and our family and our issues. I also insist she tell me that things will be better one day when it's all over, and give me hope our future will be happy. I have noticed this little bit of hope can sustain me for about a week before I lose it and return to feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I kinda wish she would call every single day and tell me things will be all right, maybe it won't hurt some much. I'm sorry, I just need a lot of reinforcement to carry on. I can't be stoic about it anymore and say I can take it and it doesn't matter.

I also have some personal health issues that play a HUGE factor in all of this which we can talk about sometime.

Thanks for being here folks. I really appreciate the opportunity to share thoughts with all of you.

Art

Hi Janet,

Thanks for replying.

To answer your questions:

1. How long is your wife's residency?

Three years.

2. What is she doing it in?

Family Practice

3. Can you telecommute to your job (even if it is three days a week or something)?

No, I have to work on-site. I need to be present at meetings etc. Plus, the company is not really set up to allow telecommuting. Although, just commuting the 100 miles is an option. Other people I work with do it.

4. Why can't your wife come home on weekends when she is not on call? She's doing a lot of night float right now, plus she seems to work 6 days a week. I'm not certain what her real schedule is like or if she's taking on extra work unnecessarily. I've asked and she days she doesn't set her schedule.

We chose to handle her first year of residency with me home with the kids and her 100 miles away for a number of reasons. I'd like to hear peoples opinions about whether we made a big mistake or whether it was a good idea. First thing was that my daughter is just finishing up middle school. I thought it would be best to stay and let her finish it up with her pals in a familiar environment. She's going to high school next year and I thought it would be better to move then. Second, and this is most important for me, I've been with my company for 20 years. I have a legacy with them and a good salary. I didn't think I could get as good a job where my wife is located. Having this job has relieved us of the financial stress of trying to get her through school. Thank God I had this stable job. It's 8-5 M-F which gives time to be with the kids. It's very hard for me to give up. There are other reasons, but these are the biggest.

Our problem now is communicating and stay connected. I've asked and begged her to make more time for us and more time for me, but she seems way too overwhelmed to do much more than what she's doing (one visit every 3 weeks or so and a phone call every 3 or 4 days). Is it unreasonable to demand more out of her? I'd like to hear your thoughts. I'm not real familiar with the demands on a 1st year residents time. All I know is that they get the worst schedule and work hours. Heck, she had to work all through Thanksgiving and Christmas. We didn't even see her. It was very very hard and lonely for me, especially after all these years of her being preoccupied with med school. She got a week off after New Years but I had to work. She took the kids on a little vacation. I was very resentful that she chose not to spend the time with me. She told me she really needed to get away and rest, and that she wouldn't have gotten rest if she spent the time with me, hanging around my place. I'm not sure if I should just let her indulge herself when she has time off like that. I NEED the time off too (from the kids especially), plus I'd like to feel I was married every once in a while.

I'm starting to write a book, so I'll close for now. I guess I just need some opinions whether it's reasonable to expect more contact and connection time out of your spouse in their 1st year of residency, or whether I should just back off and let her deal with it the way she feels is necessary.

Thanks.

[Lisa]

I was just thinking and wondering how many of us were even a little prepared for the things that we are facing now with a spouse's school and training.

Did anyone warn you what life would be like as a medical spouse? Did you have any idea how many hours they would be working? What advice, if any, did you receive before entering into this lifestyle? If you did have others warn you of how difficult it would be, then what made you decide to do it anyway?

I'm just curious at the thought processes that might have gone on before your spouse entered med. school and if you had known how it would be, would you still do it again?

I think that is an interesting question, Lisa.........



No one ever warned me...at least not that I remember..and if they had, I wouldn't have believed them because I would have thought that we were different.....that life would be different for us...and for awhile it was....



Would I do it again...yes...but this time there are alot of things that I would change..mostly the way that I have coped with the stress in our lives...I find that the changes in me as a person are as distressing as the changes that have taken place in my husband. I would have placed less value on people's opinions of what I should or shouldn't do and I would have nurtured my own interests/friendships more. I would have been more patient and understanding with my husband...perhaps if my life had been more...evened out...I would have felt less needy?



I love my husband and I hope that we will weather this storm...I do think that some truth was spoken a couple of months ago that I didn't want to hear at the time and that is that there was some dysfunction in our relationship before residency....I think that that is true of most relationships medical or non...but that the added stress and strain of training and living on a shoestring budget...having children, etc...just sort of brought out the...dysfunction in us............I just bought this great T-shirt: "Lets put the fun back into dysfunctional"...sort of hits the nail on the head!



Kris

Lisa,



Interesting question about how much we knew before our spouses got in med school.



With me the answer is Yes and No. I really didn't know anything about medical training before my wife got into med school. I think my wife knew a bit more than I did. She was motivated to get into med school after taking a job in the graduate medical program office at the school I was attending at the time. I think she got familiar with a lot of the students and it hit her that, if those guys could do it, then she could too.



Neither of us comes from "medical" families. No one on either of our families were docs. I know a LOT of my wife's classmates come from a long tradition of medicine.



The only thing I knew very well was the amount of work and dedication that would be required of her. I've been through a graduate program and a professional school myself, so I knew how much work would be required and the stress she would be going through. I knew that going through a program like that would not only be an intellectual challenge, but a physical challenge for her (to endure the long hours and no sleep), and the challenge to the marriage and the family. I tried talking to my wife about it but she wouldn't listen at all, as if she would be able to escape it. Well, now she knows!! Ha Ha!! The big payback! Now, after all these years, she can understand what I was telling her five years ago about tenacity, fatigue, disappointment, glory, and finding a balance in life between school, family, marriage, and self. We're still working on the latter.



Art

Even though I was warned up front (by hubby) that this would not be an easy road, it was nothing like I imagined. It is one thing for someone to tell you that it will be hard. It is one thing for you to think that it is going to be hard. But it is another thing to actually live it. And it is harder than anything you could ever imagine. I know that now.



The sad part is that I forced my hubby's med school to organized a support group for students and their spouses. They did so on our way out, but I went to the first meeting. The really disapointing part is that they wanted to downplay the crappy part of it. They wanted to by-pass the idea that things would be difficult. They asked me to speak about my experiences to the first year spouses and when I told them that it was going to be hard and that my hubby and I almost got divorced and that it takes a lot of hard work and adjustment they tried to downplay it as though the situation is different for everyone and that it is not as diffcult for most as it may have been for me.



What jerks. They totally crippled those poor people by setting them up for a situation that is harder than they want to portray. Besides, how do they know - they don't live it.



So now that I have given you a long winded answer. My short version is - NO WAY - I was in no way prepared for the difficulty we would face. Hope that helped!