Art, ( 1

Art,

I am saddened by what you are feeling. I go through my ups and downs during this first-year of residency as a wife. I know that it seems that many of the female residents handle stress differently than the male residents. That is here and I am not sure if it is everywhere! I don't know how to say what I want to say to you in this post! Intern year is a killer for me! I never imagined it would be this difficult emotionally, yet each day, each week, each month gets a little better and a little brighter! I wish your wife would have applied to this residency program because we don't have the stress of renting or maintenance. Our residency program provides all that for us at no expense. I think your decision to stay put for your daughter's sake is honorable, I completely understand that. My hope for you is that you can find a way to live together and be together when she is off work. I totally agree separating work from home life. Bob and I want to do this. I want to be a good wife and I ask him about his day and give him the opportunity to tell me about his day, yet if he says nothing, I am okay with that too! I would have to say no to any charts or excessive journal reading in the home. Allow time for that, but in your situation, if your wife knows that she is going to do some extra reading and studying perhaps she should do that before she comes home. I want her to enjoy her time away from residency and having a journal to look at or chart is no fun for anyone. That would be a no-no here. Don't get me wrong, Bob reads as much as he needs to, but he may say, "Christy, give me 30 minutes and then we'll go out." He puts limitations on what he does b/c now after work this is *his time* with his family.

We are originally from WV, so we'll be going back there for Bob to get a job. It is an under-priveledged state, so repayments of loans will be in our future. Please find a place like this so you too can pay your debt off much earlier. My family has strongly recommended this to us. Wow! There is so much to talk about as a spouse. It does get better than this intern year. I keep having to remind myself this also. I encourage Bob to do his best at work and when he comes home, leave work behind b/c it really isn't everything and people never appreciate the interns as much as they should anyway. They essentially do all the work with no credit by paycheck or recognition. Oh and one more thing, this just came to me! When my sister went through residency she literally almost worked herself to death. She worked so diligently and did many long hours and all that she could that she literally collapsed and was hospitalized during residency. She was diagnosed with Fisher-Miller syndrome and was paralized for a time. So, here she was thinking she was going to be the best Ob/Gyn ever and ended up being out of commission for a long period of time. This can happen, please tell your wife to not let it happen to her. It scares me to think I almost lost my sister to residency. I guess the bottom-line for us would be this: no career is more important than our family. Put your family first in all areas and everything else will work out as it should.

You, your wife, and family are in my thoughts and prayers!

Christy

Dear Art,
I have read most of the mails about your situation, and I feel very very mad. Many things on my mind....
First, I would like my husband to be as helper and understanding as you have been. I'm going to start med school; but I studied many years of medical career in my country years ago. Now, I want to do it here in NJ where I live. My husband wants me to do be a perfect housekeeper, mom and wife....and of course a doctor.

I feel mad because I can't imagine a mom being so far away from their children!!!! I don't know your wife's feelings or thoughts into all this situation, but I have to say that visit your children 3 times a month is insane!!!! ...Maybe she is frustrated about it also...or maybe she is the kind of person who puts her career first (even before their children).

I'm sorry for giving priority to the children first. I know you are very concern about YOU as a spouse. But I just had to take this feeling out of my chest: being away from her children for so long is insane!!!

AS for you, same thing. The difference is that you at least have advantages over your children. You are mature enough to think around the situation and you have support here now. But your children don't!
They could be feeling lots of trouble and can't talk about it! They could be getting involved in problems and there's no communication at home!
I'm sorry....I know you don't want to hear more negative thought than the ones you may have...But I need to tell you: WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS ENOUGH.

You have done so much for your wife career's and for your family. You are very strong and a great father and husband.
I really can imagine leaving everything for someone....leaving everything to help someone and to keep a family together.
I did it.
I left my medical career in my country. I left everything just to come here with my husband and to raise my son. Now, I want to pursue my career again.
It's hard without support. THat's why I feel you've been great with your wife. My husband wants me to do everything ....

My thoughts:
* You two, may want to take ONE FULL day ONLY for you two and vent your feelings. Both are frustrated. And both need desperately to talk out your feelings. Then, you may want to make up a plan together.
* Now, WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR CURRENT JOB You can be searching for a new job where she lives. If you find something worthed, go for it! If not, keep looking around (the internet has great job searchers in any area). Meanwhile, you both can improve you communication.
* I'm sure she can make an effort and call you once every day: at least to say I love you .
If she can only call when nobody is home, she can leave a nice message in an answering machine. That can enlight your day! and your children's
* Can she have access to a computer during the day? She can write you a few messages through e-mail.
* Can she get a cellular with e-mail service? I have it and I'm not even in residency! That way I can recieve messages any time during the day. It will be great for her to receive messages from her husband, daugther.....lovely messages. Nothing stressing. So she feels better during the day.
Same thing she can do! She can write you a few short messages during the day.
* You both can write letters through the mail!!!
Send a postcard, or just a paper with a big: HI written on it !

You both need to talk a lot. And if it's necessary, find a "referee" = marriage counselor (you both have too many feelings and thoughts in conflict). I don't know how good are you two talking out your feelings....but in my marriage: I definetely has needed a marriage counselor to be listened and to find solutions.

EVERYTHING CAN WORK OUT IF YOU BOTH GET TOGETHER.
i think she must stop asking more....and you may keep giving the good support you have been giving these years, but also expect more attention: little things give lots of love. Start little by little. Try to find out the love you both have probably lost in the way.

Good luck Art, and once again: I thank God there're husbands as understanding as you are !
I wish my husband can be like you someday.

Friendly,
Veronica

Art, I agree with Veronica when she says you are remarkable. You truely are! I think you are doing so much to hold your family together. It seems to me that you are acting as the family glue much of the time. I know that I do that too. But being a "glue person" (I lack a better term--but it does make you laugh, I hope) isn't easy and it doesn't mean you want to play that role all the time. It's like being a good listener: just because you are good at it doesn't mean you want to do it all the time. You have needs and many of them involve being met half way in your relationship, and it's easy for people who are natural caregivers to give too much and not get enough back. You end up drained and in a position where you do not WANT to give anymore!

I know that during extreme times, such as residency, it's sometimes necessary to put some of your relationship needs on hold because residents have precious little to give after they are finished with work and studying, but it does have a price. My advice, being married to someone who has just finished residency about a year ago, and as someone who gave, gave, and then gave again, is to talk about the shortcomings that are inherent in residency. After all, it's not her fault that medical training is so demanding. There are things in her control (her reactions) and things that are not in her control (schedules and sheer "grunt work" or "scut work" as residents call it). Sometimes my husband and I talk about his lack of energy and falling asleep as soon as the kids are in bed (a snoring husband can't talk about world events, what to do on the weekend, and laugh at my jokes), lack of desire to do things as a couple (for example, having a date night for dinner and a movie), etc, etc, etc. During these conversations, I'll be able to say that my needs are not being met, and he in turn hears that and usually apologizes for "not giving me what I need right now". That said, I think he does try a little harder after that. But acknowleging that each of us have issues does seem to help some. I would just like to move it one step further to inspiring change a bit more *quickly*.

The biggest mistakes we made with our marriage during the residency years are as follows: we didn't talk enough about how the residency was affecting our relationship; and I didn't validate my husband's feeling about residency because I thought he should "snap out of it and buck up". Speaking to the latter, I have since learned that his reactions and feelings during residency are very common, and that his struggles were not due to some inherant personality flaw. When I think back to how hard I was on him (even if most of it was in my own mind and I didn't say much of it out loud), I'm ashamed and regretful. Oh, the value of 20/20 hindsight!!!

I so much enjoyed your perspective. It was awesome! Thank you for sharing! I think it helps a lot coming from your side. Wow!

Thanks again,
Christy

[Lisa]

Wow, she sounds stubborn! Her solution to her poor evaluations (spending MORE time at the hospital) mirrors the problems that her attendings pointed out (ie. not open to instruction, not listening to her attendings, and not balancing her professional & personal life). She seeks to get better by doing the same things that caused the poor evaluations ("Hey, I'll take my faults to a further extreme, and maybe things will get better!"). I hate to say it, but I've known a few people like this and they never did have an easy time of it in life.

Hope she comes around and soon!

Art,

" I wish the relationship with my wife were easy and affectionate. It's not. It seems that being in medicine and going through med school has made her into a cynical, hard-edged person. She brings that stuff home with her and there's very little room for affection, plus there's all the fatigue"

I think that our spouses share many things in common. Unfortunately, I find the same thing with my husband. When he comes home he is often exhausted and demanding...I can't seem to please him. He is also angry and cynical and it has seeped out into his working environment. One of his colleagues spoke with me about it recently.

When he is home he is often angry and exhausted. The other day the kids were coloring on some paper on the floor while I was ironing. They got up to watch Rugrats and I was still ironing. We were all in the living room and my husband came in and started screaming and yelling at me because of the coloring books...calling me names, etc... It was very upsetting to me.

Yesterday, he was exhausted from working all night. I made us all a nice dinner and just wanted the family to sit down together...he was angry and didn't want to and then said the "F" word to me in front of the kids....I just wanted to pack my bags...I understand that he is feeling tired and stressed out, but it is no excuse.

I am coming around to the idea that some individuals cope better with stress and the training to be a physician really brings out the worst in students/residents. Unfortunately, this is my husband's worst side...I wish he could cope better and I, too, feel at my wits end because I become upset, angry and it affects how I cope with the kids.

Kris

Thanks for responding.

I understand perfectly well what Veronica is saying. I wish the relationship with my wife were easy and affectionate. It's not. It seems that being in medicine and going through med school has made her into a cynical, hard-edged person. She brings that stuff home with her and there's very little room for affection, plus there's all the fatigue. She comes home maybe once every two weeks for an afternoon and a night. There's just NO chance to communicate and reconnect. To me, it's like a stranger coming home. Heck, last weekend she came on Saturday afternoon all exhausted and spent all her time here asleep. It was all I could do to keep the house somewhat quiet and get my chores done. We had very little time for interaction. And, then, she took off and I won't see her for another two weeks when she'll come home and do the same thing all over again.

Also, she got her first set of evaluations and they were very harsh with her. They told her she needed to be more open to instruction and listen more to her supervising docs. Plus a number of the evaluating docs told her she is not maintaining a good balance between work and personal life. I thought it was a very poignant critique, and something I've been telling her repeatedly for a long time now. She spends so much time at the hospital that her supervising docs have noticed how inefficient she's become and how much she thrashes around. It's counterproductive for her to be this way.

The irony in all this is her solution to her bad evaluation was to tell me she needed to spend a lot more time working in order to pick up the slack. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I couldn't seem to get it through her head that she was planning to do precisely what her evaluating docs were telling her to avoid (i.e., being out of balance between work and home). Clearly, she didn't "listen" to the evaluations nor me.

I just a got a phone call from my wife. I asked her if she had sent me her income tax forms. She said they were at her apartment and she hasn't been home. So, given it's Wednesday night right now, that implies she's been living at the hospital since Sunday!! I was very angry with her that she hasn't even made time to go home in three days. This is way too much time to be working. We can't even coordinate getting her W2s sent to me by mail. This is how deep it affects the normal stuff of our lives. I don't know what to do any more. Let her crash and burn as I suspect her supervising docs are warning against in a not-so-subtle way.

Thanks again for your input.

Art

I've been pretty busy and just got around to reading all the posts here.I hope that what i say can help some.Art my husband has been in practice 20+years now and he can also be like your wife and some of the other doctors mentioned.I noticed the anger,lack of emotion and other things as soon as he would walk in the door.Back then we were just engaged and i knew without a doubt that he loved me and how much.I wonder with you and kristen since you've been married a while that maybe you just don't know they love you anymore or how much?That happens in every marriage but most don't have as much stress as the medical marraige.In my case since i knew how much phill loved me i knew that it was work doing this to him and that it had nothing to do with me.So i would ask him about his day and what all happened...and i found that *I was interested in all this.By him talking and telling me it would help him to wind down and i could offer him advise or support.We still do this...EVERY day...I want to know his day and he wants to tell me!I know that some of you had said leave all the medical stuff at work...that it's YOUR time when he walks in the door but i see it different then that.One reason being that phill's 1st wife of 26years said that to him and never wanted to here what he was going thru...and he felt so alone in that marriage.More important i think tho is the fact that when he talks and tells me his day that IS being close...and intimate!No one says to be close you have to talk about your wants and needs.Being intimate is him being able to tell me things about work that he can't tell anyone else.When he starts talking about his day i talk about mine aslo,which leads us to much longer conversations and telling each other how you feel and what you want.He HAS to talk about work as that is the major part of his day..thus life.If he can't tell me all this that means i shut him off and it just builds inside.Not to mention how good it makes him feel to know that i AM interested in his life and i care.Art...i'm the oldest here and close to your age so it has taken me a lifetime to learn what i'm telling you.When they come home from work/school/hospital....they NEED a soft place to fall.YOU have to be that soft place.If they can't turn to their spouses to tell them all the medical world stress they are going thru,they WILL turn to someone else...someone who does know.What you are trying to prevent will be the very thing that could happen by not letting them SHARE their life with you!When phill comes home i also have things to tell him about my job,etc.i sure wouldn't want him to tell me....this is my time...i don't want to hear about it!
I think by not letting them talk medical stuff when they come home puts even MORE distance between you.If they can come home and gush out all the stuff that happened to them that day and your listening then that just brings the two of you closer together.Also you might find that you DO get very interested in all this,which in turn makes for even better communication and and more intimacy in the marraige.Kristen...do you talk to your husband about his day when he comes home?Please start trying this and see if you see a difference...and let me know how it works for all of you.I wish i could help more.
Lynn

Lynn, that is something we've been doing from the beginning. In fact, sometimes that is all my husband can talk about. But you are right, it is vital to understanding what they go through. Sometimes I find I have to encourage him to talk, becuase he sometimes would bottle it up inside...

Janet

Well, the great thing about marriage is you can do any way you would like to and do it whatever way makes you both happy!!! I love the way Bob treats me and our marriage and I honor the way he wants our marriage to be! In any marriage, as long as you give a lot of yourself and not be selfish, you will have a great marriage, I think!!!!

Lynn,

Interesting comment. Thanks for your insight. Please don't let what I have to say below stop you from talking to me. I really NEED this dialog.

I've have resisted letting the "medical stuff" creep into our home life precisely because I resent it SO much. I resent how much it's done to our marriage and our family. I feel like I'm in competition with this monster for my life, my happiness, and my well-being. I never bought into this "medicine thing" when we were married. I didn't ever think something like this would become such a central part of our lives and I'm extremely angry about it. I feel cheated somehow, cheated out of a normal marriage and family life. I also feel like my wife isn't objective enough to see what she's doing to us and how medicine has detrimentally impacted our lives. For as smart as she's supposed to be, and all the talk and the trouble I have with it, she seems oblivious to what we're going through. I guess I'm just tired of it all.

Lynn, I don't even see her on a daily basis. I don't even see her on a weekly basis. Is this any way to live a life much less have a marriage? Is this what I get to look forward to for the rest of my life? I didn't buy into this isolation when I got married.

There's nothing going on in our relationship, just work, and stress, and this awkward disconnectedness. Yes, I'm very bitter about what medicine has done to us. I have a lot of trouble with talking to her about "her day," because it's "her day" that has come between us. I have a lot of trouble seeing medical journals or charts around the house. I can't stand the sight of scrubs. I can't even walk around the hospital or the clinic she works at with her because it bugs the heck out of me. It's like I'm in the bowels of the very thing that's taken my wife away from me, killed our marriage, damaged our kids, and shut down my life.

I can't help but feel very deeply about this. Years ago we were somewhat in the converse situation. I was the one working a lot and my wife was at home with our first child who was a newborn at the time. My wife was the resentful one and told me how much it hurt her for me to work so many hours. I heard the message loud and clear, talked to my supervisors. and cut back to 8-5 M-F. It hurt my career no doubt, but I did it. It helped my wife cope and made her less resentful for me to be home and spending all my free time with her and the baby. But, now, when I ask (and her attendings are telling her), she doesn't see the problem.

Yeah, I'm needy. I need her home and talking to me. I don't care what anybody thinks about this. If anyone thinks I should just buck-up and take it, they need to walk in my shoes for a minute and then tell me. I doubt if most people could take it for very long without getting resentful and wandering off.

You know, I think if my wife even came home once in a while I could stuff my resentment and try talking about "her day;" but I don't even get that luxury.

Art

I hope that you don't mind me jumping in here. Actually, Art, you said so much that I could relate to that I am doing a copy/paste sort of thing....

I've have resisted letting the "medical stuff" creep into our home life precisely because I resent it SO much. I resent how much it's done to our marriage and our family. I feel like I'm in competition with this monster for my life, my happiness, and my well-being.

Sigh, I couldn't have said it better. You know, when Thomas started his Internship year, it was several months before I actually saw the hospital....we didn't have a car at the time but after we got one I had to drive him...and I felt this anger and resentment...almost an overwhelming anxiety the first time that I took him because I so RESENTED this place that took him away from me for so long and that was slowly ebbing away at his personality. Even now, I feel a resentment when I go to my own physician...

I feel cheated somehow, cheated out of a normal marriage and family life. I also feel like my wife isn't objective enough to see what she's doing to us and how medicine has detrimentally impacted our lives.

I really know. I feel cheated too...and my talks with Thomas show that he has little insight into how his behavior or the hours are affecting me and the children...He is very egocentric and also oblivious to our struggling. He only sees his own exhaustion, frustration and struggle as being valid or real.

I didn't buy into this isolation when I got married. Thomas has been working every single day since last May...it has been almost a year. We only see him when he comes home and stomps around in a bad mood because he is "tired" and frustrated. He yells at all of us and is very critical, expecting things here to be perfect and being angry when things are out of place. I didn't know our marriage would be like this, Art. I didn't know that our life together would come to this....

Thomas and I had a real heart-to-heart about it a few weeks ago and I discovered that in many ways he also feels this upset about how things have evolved...although his solution would more likely be starting over for himself and letting us go....

There's nothing going on in our relationship, just work, and stress, and this awkward disconnectedness. Yes, I'm very bitter about what medicine has done to us. I have a lot of trouble with talking to her about "her day," because it's "her day" that has come between us. I have a lot of trouble seeing medical journals or charts around the house. I can't stand the sight of scrubs.
I feel the same way alot of the time. His work and stress are also the only work and stress that "count". I am finishing up my MS and he has told me that my studies are just a "game" because they don't bring any income. I tried to tell him that his studies were at one point a "game" then too, but he doesn't get it.

Yeah, I'm needy. I need her home and talking to me. I don't care what anybody thinks about this. If anyone thinks I should just buck-up and take it, they need to walk in my shoes for a minute and then tell me.

I can't imagine anyone here telling you to buck up and take it, Art. I know that some of the wives and husbands here have struggled with similar situations...some of us are more open on the boards about it than others...for some people I think there is a certain comfort in writing the positive stuff...and I can understand that. I often feel...well, I often feel very different, Art and like I am viewed as being very negative or angry and often, I guess I am. I come here alot to vent because I have no other place in my life to do that. I am alone all of the time with three children ages 6,5 (almost) and 2. I started working alot this semester so that I could have more time to myself away from the kids and now I am living with the criticism of many for that decision.

I doubt if most people could take it for very long without getting resentful and wandering off.

You are right. You have sacrificed a lot from the perspective of your career as well as your personal life. In my opinion, something within your wife must change. Perhaps the problems that she is having with some of her peers will inspire her....although if she is anything like my husband, she will see her peers as being the problem.

Honestly, Art, the thing that has motivated my husband to get help now as a family is that our children are struggling emotionally. It bothers me that he wouldn't get help when it was just me struggling and wanting "us" to be better...but I am grateful that he will stop now and take a look at himself and our family.

You sound like a really strong person, and I admire you for doing such a good job of taking care of your children. I wish that I had some answer for you because I feel like I understand at least some of the pain that you are going through....Do you think that your wife would go to family therapy for the sake of the "kids"? I just wish that I could think of something that would work for you...If you ever want to talk or vent, feel free to email me anytime....

Kris

Edited by: kmmath  at: 2/3/01 8:44:31 pm

Kristen....1st let me say this.NEVER feel like your different and negative by what you say here...NEVER!! You are honest...plain and simple honest...which is a WONDERFUL trait!I'd have to say that you are the most honest here...and yes Jason your a close 2nd!LOL If we were all as honest as you can you imagine what these posts would say??I can.Even me...as good as my marriage is,doesn't post every detail all the time.My marriage is not perfect....i doubt anyone's is.Your life is hard enough...and i know your lonely...and i just HATE the way your husband treats you but don't YOU beat yourself up....don't YOU feel like your the different one here,or that you bring everyone down.Your all you have left to build you back up...and make *you feel good about what you do...YOU have to take care of you!You ARE worth it and don't ever forget that!
Art...it's after 2:30am and i don't have time now to answer your post but i want to let you know that you haven't upset me with your respondes...i have a tough skin...plus i do understand what your going thru...trust me,i've been there too.I just printed your post out so i can think about how to answer everything you've brought up.I don't want to forget anything...it's too important.I only hope i can come up with something to help you or at least give you so ideas from a different point.I've read some ofyour posts and you strike me as a very smart man.Also one with so many problems and so much weight on his shoulders.Your a good man.Write more tommorrw.
Lynn

Hi Art!
Please don't think i was offended,i know how much you need to talk about all this.I've gone over some of your past posts to try to get a feel for all that is going on.Let me tell you a little about me so you can see where i'm coming from also.Most here already know this.I'm close to your age,your in your 40's right?I'm pushing 50(yuck!) and phill is in his 50's.Before him i was married for 16years w/3kids,then divoreced,had a few single years and then married my next husband.It was the greatest marriage in the world and he was wonderful.But he was a diabetic and i thought he was pretty heathly...but he died unexpectly.I was terribly griefstricken for over a year when i met phill.He's my doctor husband that i referr to here.So this is where i pull all my thoughts and ideas from.
After reading some of your posts you said you had many of these probs before she started med.school,right??I'm thinking about my ex and something he did while in the throes of fighting in that marriage.Since he did it at such a bad time i also hated it and hoped it wouldn't work out and cursed it as the cause of more probs.But looking back the probs were already there and it was just a good thing for me to use to blame all the rest of the probs on.I hated it with a passion and the more i said so the more he kept it up.I guess my point is if you look deeper is med. school the real prob.or just the arguing point?Boy...it's hard to type and really express what your trying to say!
Ok...you didn't buy into this medical stuff.I didn't either.I met and fell in love with phill and he just happened to be a doctor.I saw how time consuming it was and what it does to him emotionail and i thought a lot about it before marrying him.I even bought 3 books on the medical marriage.Reading them made me not want to marry him even more.I had just had the greatest marriage ever and i didn't want to settle for anything less.But i loved phill..Also you say you don't get to see your wife daily.That i understand too Art.I lived on the east coast and phill lived on the west coast when we started dating.The being apart was terrible!!He had his own private practice so in the begining he'd close his office down for 3days and fly here to be with me.But we both needed more.I'd fly there and spend a few weeks but that wasn't enough either.So i put my life and career on hold and just moved there.That only means that i lived with him but still fly home once a month to get my bills and pay them and see my kids and fly back.Sometimes as soon as i'd get back he'd have to leave me and go deliver a baby...or something.My 1st Xmas with him the beeper went off Xmas eve and he left to deliver *two babies and didn't get back to late Xmas.That was the 1st time i was very away from my own kids...and spent it all alone.So yes i know your life's hard without her but at least either one of you can get in a car and drive to each other...we couldn't do that.With all the flying you have to book at least 3weeks ahead for a decent rate.$400.+ and if we wanted to be together and hadn't planned it was $1200.+We went thru this for over 18months...so i do know what you mean by being alone in the marriage!In the end phill gave up *everything for me.He sold his practice,got a job here and moved to the east coast to marry me.I refused to marry him until he did all this.My point sorta is you HAVE to do what is right for you.We were at the i love and want you more then anything stage...so phill did what ever it took to get me.I realize when you've been married a while people don't feel like that anymore so they argue and try to win by doing it their way hoping the other one will give in.Sometimes if you do something drastic...they are shocked...and suddenly know how much they love and want you.I'm not saying to do this but it's just another thought.As for hating the hospital...i did/do to...but only cause i spent 6weeks in one watching my husband die.But i sometimes go with phill and sit in the car and wait.I find it works great cause he knows i'm in the car and he gets done much faster that way.
And last...for now.No way am i telling you to buck up and take it.Don't ever do that!The answer is to find a solution...but thats the hard part.I only wonder if you just start talking to her about work if that would open the door to talking about other things?If she comes home and falls asleep...lay there and cuddle with her.I know with us everytime i'd fly back to Ca. it was like we had to start the relationship all over again.Each time we had the awkwardness of getting close again.I think this is what you go thru each time she comes back home.It bothered me so much i even bought a book on it to understand how phill and i could be that way when we had missed each other so much.There's so much more i want to say but i'm afarid i'll get knocked off line and lose all this if i don't add it now.Give me more of your thoughts???
Lynn

Well, I do agree on one thing with you, Jennifer. I think that everyone here has been honest and genuine...I think that what is different are people's levels of comfort being open about more personal areas of their lives.

That being said, I don't think that it is fair to say that individuals who are more "open" about problems that they are having are "keeping a tally of all of the disappointments and forgetting the positives" while those who are less "open" are keeping a "tally [of] the wonderful things and forget[ing] the disappointments" anymore than I would say that individuals who aren't open about their problems are "superficial". Neither assessment would be correct.

I think that as individuals we all cope with stress differently....Some people are more verbal and open and some people keep things more to themselves and....neither coping style is necessarily better or worse. For me, sounding off on an anonymous board is kind of a freeing experience. I have found out that I am not the only one who has struggled and I don't carry my anger and hurt around with me anymore....so I can be more compassionate and understanding with my spouse, my children, and myself....

To mirror your thoughts:"...becuase I and others approach our relationships differently, it does not make us any less honest nor does it make us in "denial".", because I choose to be more open on this forum about my personal struggles does not mean that I am tallying the negatives or am unable to see the strengths in my marriage, my family or myself.

Sincerely,


Kris