Nanny

In light of my husband's schedule as an Intern and my full time job, my husband and I are looking into taking our son out of daycare and hiring a nanny. Does anyone else have one? What has been your experience?

There are things I definitely like about daycare (eg he learns new things everyday, gets a chance to socialize with other children, is in a structured and monitored environment, gets out of the house, etc) and there are definitely things I son't like about daycare (eg he is always getting ill, has to be up at 5:30am to get dressed and ready to leave when we do, I am always running from work to pick him up in time, he doesn't get a good nap, he doesn't get 1 on 1 attention). But with my husband's schedule and me trying to hold down a full time job to support us, as well as take care of the house (cooking, paying the bills, mowing the lawn, laundry, groceries, cleaning), myself and our son I feel like I have no choice. I am dragging from one day to the next.

Any thoughts you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

I find your thought on this issue very interesting and enlightening. My husband has finished residency and he is one year into his first job. We have two-year old twins girls and I'm staying home with them for now. But before they were born, I had worked in high tech for about 10 years. And I want to go back someday. My husband and I have talked a lot about what options would be best.

I think I would go the nanny route. I think the one-on-one (or in my case, one-on-two!) attention is important. There are ways to get around the isolation, and they involve basically the same things that you would do if you were staying home. I've seen groups of nannies at the park with their collective charges. I have seen groups of small day-home providers at play gyms, etc, etc. Also, don't forget that the interaction with the nanny is social, because it's not you.

Have you thought about sponsoring a nanny from another country?

Let me know what you find out!

Hi Adrienne (By the way, I love your name!)

When you refer to a 'Nanny', what exactly does this entail? I ask because I have some thoughts about how to go about your situation, but when I think of a Nanny, I think of someone who stays in your house 24/7. I am not sure if that is what you are referring to or not.

Okay here's my personal experience and my two sisters' experiences!

When my husband and I were both working, we put our 18-month-old in daycare twice a week (M-W) and on Fridays we would take him to grandparents which they loved! Then when I started back to school full-time, we too decided we didn't like the daycare sickness and the attention deprivation, so we put our 2-year-old in a home-based preschool which we wonderful. It was five minutes from our home. I dropped him off before I went to class whenever that might be. And he was learning pre-school skills with lower teacher:student ratio. The teacher had like 7 children to take care of. And she was a great Italian cook. So all the kids' meals were home-cooked meals and the love and attention was there.

My oldest sister followed our footsteps with her oldest boy being in the home-based pre-school. However, her youngest boy was still a little young, so she hired a babysitter to come into her home for him. And my sister asked during her interviews with them what they were willing to do as far as academics go. I suggested to her to have workbooks for the babysitter to use and certain games on a list for the babysitter to play to encourage certain skills, etc. She did find an older lady that was a wonderful babysitter (grandmother-type) which played, taught, and even took walks around the neighborhood. So, you always have that option, a babysitter within your own home.

My other sister works as an Ob/Gyn physician part-time while her children are young. Of course, she can afford to do this due to her husband being a radiologist full-time and a landlord on the side! She also hired a babysitter to work with the children in the home, but I believe she also resorts to using the hospital's daycare because of the times she may be called out.

My three recommendations for your particular situation are (1) research and use a home-based pre-school or daycare, (2) hire a qualified, full-time babysitter for the times/days you want, or (3) you work part-time and hire a part-time babysitter who will also teach your children valuable concepts including manners before your child enters pre-school or kindergarten.

Well, that's my little bitty opinion...for what it's worth!

Smiles,
Christy

Well, we use a nanny agency that provides part-time, full-time and hourly care. I use a nanny three times a week and am pretty happy with the arrangement for the most part.

Here are the benefits as I see them:

Your child gets one-on-one attention in their own home with their toys, bed, books, etc....

Nannys will often stay with a child who isn't feeling well so that work isn't interrupted.

It is convenient and if the relationship with the nanny is a good one it can be rewarding for both of you.

The negatives:

It is more expensive.

You have someone in your home...if it is messy or you have some private things that you don't want them to see then it could be uncomfortable. (Take it from me, the queen of mess)

If you and the nanny or your child and the nanny don't get along it you will face firing them and finding someone else...all while trying to balance work. ( I have been there too!)

hope this helped

Kris

I LOVE your name! It is the same spelling as my sister's (and she is my BEST friend next to my husband). It is so very rare to find an Adrienne in the world! I will have to tell my sister about this coincidence!

Jennifer:

Thanks for the compliment on my name. It was very difficult to grow up with, but now I definitely appreciate it. And I agree it is very rare to find someone with the same spelling.

I also want to thank you for your stories about your sister in law and friend. I think the issues you raised will definitely come into play whether I want them to or not. I am just hopeful that by choosing someone who clicks with us from a personality perspective will help soften their impact. Additionally, we have made it VERY clear to those we interviewed that we want someone long term. We even talked about providing them a signing bonus that gets forgiven (does not have to be paid back if they leave prematurely) 1/3 the first year, 2/3 the second year and 3/3 the third year so that they are further inticed to stay longer.

I definitely wish I could work part time so I could stay home with my son more, but we fully rely on my salary and have become accustomed to a style of living based on that salary. Plus I really enjoy what I do for a living. Sometimes I feel guilty for having someone else take care of Matthew during the day, but I know that I am giving him my full attention at least 4 hours every day and pretty much all day long Sat and Sunday. Plus there are days I will work from home and pick him up early. And then there is the 3 or 4 weeks of vacation I have each year and the 3 weeks my husband has (we usually only overlap by 1 week). And he definitely knows we love him. I would do anything for him and do.

One thing I would ask is if you could find out from your sil and friend what things I should ask or tell the couple of finalist we are considering with regard to the job, our life, etc. Any suggestions they might have to avoid problems, make the situation a good one, etc. I would really appreciate it. Thanks again for your advice and information.
Adrienne B.

When I say nanny I mean someone to live in 24/7. We've been interviewing some people and found 3 we really like. I am hoping to hire someone by the 1st of the year. We've tried to be very explicit about what we want in the hopes that any problems will be avoided. And we are making sure that they have had experience teaching children. We even asked them what they would do to teach him. We've also told them about our future plans (more kids, move back to Chicago, etc) to see if they are OK with those things. We really want a long term person. Additionally, we are trying to find someone whose personality matches ours.

As for some of the suggestions (which I really appreciate) I don't really have the option to stay at home part time or otherwise as my salary is the one we live on. My husband's goes straight to the loans from med school. As for in home daycare, there aren't any options for that around here. Otherwise I definitely would have prefered that. We happen to live in a relatively rural area. The other problem is that we don't really know many people around here - at least people who could assist us with this situation. All our family is back in Chicago so we don't really have grandparents or otherwise to help us out.

Anyhow - that's where things stand for now. Any suggestions on questions we should be sure to ask before hiring someone? We are definitely performing background checks and reference checks, but I want to make sure we don't overlook anything else.
Adrienne B.

I can't even begin to afford to hire someone to care for my kids, but I do have a sister in law and friend who were both nannies. Their experiences were mixed. They both LOVED the kids but they found out after a few months that a LOT of emotions result from that relationship. Among those emotions were: jealousy on the part of the mother (over the strong bond between nanny and child), jealousy on the part of the nanny (that she raises and loves a child that she cannot have much of a "say" in their life and what happens to the child), and a lot of adjustments over living arrangements. This is a person who will not only be a roommate, you are essentially inviting them to be a family member on the servant level. It is a complex relationship and I recommend going into it with your eyes WIDE open!

So, how did my friend and sister in law do? Well, my sister in law took loving care for a beautiful little girl until she (my sil) had to move (another drawback of a nanny, the child forms a strong bond with someone who might leave for any number of reasons). My sil made sure to still talk to her on the phone and has managed to visit with her every few months, but it was hard for both of them when she moved. The little girl now has a new nanny (the parents are a bank executive mom and anesthesiologist dad).

My friend had a different experience. She was "let go" with no explanation given. I had the opportunity to meet and know the family she worked for and it was not an issue of my friend's abilities as a nanny. It seemed to have more of an emotional reasoning behind it - did the mother not like this nanny's personality? Was she offended by some part of the nanny's relationship with the children? In my conversations with this woman I found her to be very uncomfortable with the fact that I stayed home with my kids. She was very pleasant and loved her two boys very much, but she seemed a bit guilty for getting a nanny (I am not sure why). (The dad is a stock broker and the mom does not "work" outside the home, she does more of "society" type things).

So, good luck! It seems like a mine field to walk through, and I hope it works out for your children and yourself!

When I type that name, I keep feeling like I am emailing my sister! Watch out if I start acting goofy, it will be because I have gotten confused! (My sister always hated her name growing up. It wasn't until recently she realized how beautiful it really is).

Give me a couple of days to get a hold of my sil and my friend (both live long distance now) and I will relay to you what they say! I hope they can be helpful.

It is a beautiful name...my husband and I kind of got caught up in A names for our children...by accident..Andrew and then Amanda and Alex....and I have to say that if I were to have another girl..I'd go for Adrienne...it is beautiful..

Kris

I love the name Adrienne too! I thought of it for my twins (then it was Adrienne and Evelyn), but then one of their boy-cousins was born, and was named Adrien! Was I mad???? Anyway, wonderful name!

Adrienne,

I haven't forgotten about you! I am going to talk to my sister in law and friend! I hope I haven't procrastinated to the point that you already got the nanny and I didn't give you the help I said I would. I will talk to them immediately (well not tonight, it's late ). I'm sorry!

Adrienne,

I finally spoke to my sisterinlaw. This is what she told me: Look for someone who plans on having a long commitment to their job. Find out what the potential nannies' plans for life are - be nosy. My sil said that it seems like younger nannies are more likely to leave their jobs faster than older nannies (like older women with grown children). Make sure he/she is CPR certified and if she isn't that she is willing to immediately take the course to get certified. If she is already CPR certified find out how long ago. Check out what kind of car she drives and her driving record. This is important since she will most likely be ferrying your kids to doctor appt.s etc. The only advantage to going through a "nanny agency" is that they will provide a background check on any potential candidates. If you go this way, make sure the background check is a NATIONAL one (to find out about any problems in other states).

I hope any or all of this helps you!

Jennifer

Thanks for the info. That is what we wound up doing. She (our nanny) is starting on the 8th of Jan. I am so excited and can't wait for her to arrive. She is 27 years old. Has been a nanny in the past and was most recently a head teacher for a daycare center, but wants more one on one interaction with a child. She is CPR certified and has taken college courses in child care. She is American-born and very intelligent with a lot of ideas about what she would like to do with our son (zoo, painting, etc). She will be moving in in a week or so. Thanks for all your help.
Adrienne B.

Just thought I would let you all know that our nanny started two weeks ago and so far we are estatic. Matthew has totally blossomed. He is much heathier, happier and seems to be learning much faster. His vocabulary went from 3 words to almost 20. And he says them consistently and with meaning. I am sure some of it was just a matter of time (regular development), but I would like to think some of it is due to a stable, predictable and loving environment. Ann and I have seemed to hit it off - which I think is always a challenge (2 women in one household) and Aaron is happy with me not being so stressed and the way Matthew is developing, etc. So far so good. Just cross your fingers for me that things stay this way going forward.