Behavior in public...

Imagine this.....my husband and I are out in public yesterday at Office Depot....we haven't been in the store 5 minutes when my 6 1/2 year old and 5 1/2 year old start screaming potty words at each other, laughing hysterically as LOUD as they could, poking each other, pulling hair, yelling, grabbing things from shelves. I am ashamed...truly and totally embarassed by this....more alarming was my husband and I's response, which was really borderline in terms of parenting skills...Lately, I just can't take them anywhere...I don't know how to get this behavior under control. We have tried taking away toys, priviledges, yelling, spanking, smacking (not a proud thing, mind you!!!). My 5 1/2 year old daughter was defiantly jutting out her jaw and yelling in my face to "stop yelling at her and that she was the boss" and she said that my face looked like it had "poops all over it"....blah, blah, blah...After a rather vicious 15 minutes in the store, I took the kids to the car...and they screamed and yelled at each other and made fun of me!!!!!! I am not proud of how I responded, nor is my husband proud of his response, but we are overwhelmed by this.....This behavior has been going on about a year...maybe a bit longer...and we are struggling to get it under control...



I feel a lot of guilt because I haven't been consistent with my punishments and have not been as attentive over the past year as I should have been...as I wish that I could have been...we have all struggled so much when Thomas was working so much...but I also feel guilty for having gone to school last year on top of it...



I just feel miserable about yesterday, but I don't know how to change things for everyone. Can anyone offer me any mothering suggestions....has anyone else had similar blow-outs? Robin once mentioned that her children get up early and MAKE THEIR BEDS....and I can't even take my kids to Wal-Mart without dying of embarassment.....



Kris
The Medical Spouse Network Edited by: kmmath  at: 7/3/01 6:29:49 am

[houseelf]

I only have a 17 month old whose newly found defiance consists of shaking his head "no" regardless of the question. The only thing that I can think of is perhaps slowing the whole process down and spending one on one time with the kids. Maybe as you are playing with them individually you could get them to talk about how they get along with their siblings, what they are currently feeling, etc. But I'm no expert. This parenting thing is harder than the movies make it out to be.



Perhaps what I can offer is a thought that someone recently told me: "Guilt is reserved for good mothers." Obviously, you have identified the problem and are working towards a resolution. Give yourself some credit.



Kelly

Kelly,



Thank you for that....I can't tell you how much it helped me!!!



Kris
The Medical Spouse Network

I wrote a long message a few days ago but it isn't here so I will have to try again.



First, Thanks Kelly for the thought. I made me feel much better!



Second, Kris, just because I can get my kids to make their beds does not reflect that I have much of this parenting stuff figured out. The reason I accomplished that was because my oldest son LOVES Nintendo and the computer. If I get up and the chores of making the bed, taking the dog out, and putting away the dishes aren't done and the tv is on, then they lose it for the rest of the day. It worked!!



Now... for the public behavior problem. Boy, have I had my share of those. In the pre-kid days, I used to see misbehaved kids in the store and think that I would never let my kids do that. As we know, we have little control once they decide to have an absolute fit in a public place or start yelling etc. I cringe when I think about it! I have had times when I was proud of the way I handled it but most of the time, I think I could of handled things better. For me, I have to get over the embarrassment and anger that I feel because that's when I handle the situation BADLY! In some cases, I have been so upset and frustrated that I have just left the cart where it was and taken my kids straight out to the van. I don't say a word. I get them in the van, take them straight home without saying a thing and lock myself in the bathroom! They already know I am furious and my 9 year old warns the others to stay out of my way until I can calmly handle the problem. Then, I can talk with them about their behavior. Of course, you can't always do that and it can be VERY inconvenient.



I will have to write more later. My husband just informed me that the kids are going to bed NOW! Have to go help. I have a good parenting book here that I will look at and see what it suggests. I sure can relate to your experience though!



Robin

Robin,



I would love the title of your book, actually! I agree with you that it is my embarassment of the situation that causes me to act badly....I remember my pre-children days feeling like other parents just had "no control" over their wee ones...and that was "never" going to happen to me. I can feel people looking at us when the kids start acting up and people even give us dirty looks at times.....which causes me to act badly...which causes the kids to act worse...well, you know the cycle.



I do notice that now that we are all starting to relax a bit from the stress of the move that the children are much better behaved and more relaxed as well.....I don't see many of the behavioral issues popping up that I did over the last 6 MONTHS....I attribute this also to perhaps the fact that (I cringe to say this) I am not in school anymore and can concentrate all of my attention on them and their needs....we are starting to have fun together again, and I am truly enjoying this time with them. I still am glad that I went back to school, but I feel badly that it had a negative impact on my family. It will be a long, long time before I go out and do anything again that will take my time and attention like that masters did...



Thanks for your input...I look forward to hearing what the book said...



Kris
The Medical Spouse Network

Okay the title of the book is SOS Help for Parents by Lynn Clark, Ph.D. It is a practical guide for handling common everyday behavior problems.



Sometimes I think Dr. Clark's kids must be very mild mannered and not like mine but the principles he writes about are good. Most of it is common sense stuff that we already know but I think we forget when we are so frustrated and at our wit's end.



His suggestion for dealing with bad behavior in public places is to first tell the children before you go into the store exactly what you expect of them and tell them what the consequences will be if they don't behave. Then you need to choose the best consequence for your children. His suggestions are: 1. Immediate time-out. He suggests finding a quiet corner or safe aisle in the store to sit your child in time-out. Turn your back and pretend that you are looking at groceries or something. Of course, for safety reasons, never actually take your eyes off them. If you can't get your kids to sit quietly in time-out (which would be my problem!), he suggests taking them out to the car for time-out. If that is not practical he suggested delayed time-out where they will go home after you are done shopping and sit in time-out. He says this only works for children that are older than 4. OR 2)Behavior penalty. Take something away from the child that she loves when you get home. In my house that would be Nintendo or computer.



He also said, "When your child behaves badly in public, be sure that you don't accidentally reward and, consequently, strengthen that bad behavior. An example of rewarding bad behavior is allowing your daughter to keep the candy bar she grabbed while standing in the check-out line. To quickly return home because your child has a temper tantrum is another instance of rewarding bad behavior (done that!) However, remember that young children tire easily. Don't make the shopping trip too long."



"Reward your child if she behaves while you are shopping. Give her praise or let her get a piece of gum from the gum dispenser as you leave the grocery store but only if she has been good. Before leaving the department store, let her look at something that she had wanted to see, such as the animals in the pet department or the dolls in the toy department."



Anyway... this is a little of what the book had to say. I am glad things seem to be mellowing out for you now. It is amazing how the children are affected by stress. We are going through that a bit now and I would love to see what Dr. Clark would do with my Tyler (4). It is a major accomplishment if I can get him to sit in time-out!



Robin