When to start a family?

Hi everyone-

I just found this wonderful community this week, and this is my very first post! I have a question that's been bugging me (and my hubby) for a long time, and I figure this is the perfect place to get some honest answers! Here's the scoop:



My husband is in his first (!) year of medical school. I know, I know... long road ahead. We've been married for 2 years and he's older than the typical student... we are both going on 28. It's been a long couple of months, and very hard (on BOTH of us) but we're beginning to see his hard work paying off (and our sacrifices), cuz he is doing really well in school. We're both still adjusting to this completely new lifestyle. I'm trying to stay busy, and so far with a hectic work schedule and good friends to keep me occupied, it hasn't been too hard. But it is still a huge adjustment. And I know, just shades of things to come! As it is now, he's out the door by 7 a.m. and I usually do not see him til midnight, and only for a few moments til we are both asleep. We do reserve one evening a week for just us to spend together, but I am not sure how long into the training years that will be able to happen! Prior to med school, we had a more "normal" lifestyle, complete with dinner together every night, lazy weekends, etc. Obviously no more.



So here's my big question... I am dying to have kids. As is he, but not in as urgent a way as me. Right now it is not financially feasible, but in another year I'd like to start trying. I've heard a million different theories here, but is there ANY good time? I mean, in a few years he'll be into residency, and I hear nothing but horror stories about THAT! If he pursues a surgery path (no decisions yet, but WHAT IFs), it could be years and years. If he is working 100+ hrs/week, I'd rather have a young child than a newborn.



I know it isn't the case, but I feel like we'll be old and walking with canes before there's a "good time". Obviously I'd still need to work, and the downside is that we don't have close family to help out locally. We do have some great friends who could help in a pinch, but no regular daycare grandma or anything.



I could go on and on about this, but I guess I'll wait to hear what some of you have to say.



Thanks in advance!



Amy

Hi Amy,



Welcome to the board! This is a tough question because there are so many variables. But... I think that you just make it work for you. I have friends who have had babies in all different years of medical school and residency and they have made it work. For me, I have four boys and the last one was born when my husband was beginning his second year of med school. I think that was a HORRIBLE time as far as work load went for my husband BUT ... there was a silver lining as well. The second year was my husband's hardest at least so far (he is a 4th year med. student right now) and he would get so stressed and then he would come home and see this sweet precious baby who just wanted his dad to hold him, the baby worked miracles. He was really a wonderful blessing at a time when we had our share of trials. The transition was easier for me though because I already knew what to expect with having 3 previous pregnancies.



Having a baby is a WONDERFUL experience but there is also a lot of work involved so a good plan of action (what to do about daycare, work, etc.) is a good idea. I think that my children have helped me be stable (vs. going insane! ) with all the craziness of medical school. I wouldn't trade the experience of being a mom for anything.



I wish you tons of luck! I know I have barely scratched the surface on this topic so I will probably write more when I can think of something else to say!



Robin

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Amy -

the best piece of advice that someone gave me re: the issue of "it is not financially feasible right now" is that it will NEVER be financially feasible. i mean when will you ever have "enough" money to have a baby?

Wow, Robin... four little boys by his second year? I am impressed! (And a bit envious ). I don't know how you do it!

Amy, we had all three of our children during residency, which also posed some financial issues! I would say that if I had it to do over...I would...in a heartbeat. Having children changes your life in a major way, and I do think that at times it made things more difficult during the training years...but financially....is there ever a good time? As to the amount of time a resident works...well, you are right...your dh will miss out on a lot...however, after training, they still work much more than most people.... My husband doesn't work 80-100 hours a week anymore, but he works about 60 So childcare really will rest mostly on your shoulders. I enjoyed having the focus of my children during training....



My vote...got for it. Start practicing now



Kris

Hi! I agree with everyone else, there's never a good time, financially or in terms of your own schedule. I'd caution against going for it too soon because we had our first 2 months before boards (Step 2, the really important one) and it was stressful, to say the least. But after that, it was just the usual juggling of call nights alone, work and baby, that sort of thing. It's very hard, but ... it's better to find out about it during med school so your dh can get an idea of the implications of his residency choice on family life!



I look at our son, who is 4 1/2 now, and realize he's lived his entire life with daddy on call. He's so big and grown up already - I wouldn't trade that.

Good luck! Kaaren

PS-If you want the other side of things you can probably find lots of insane vents from desperate medical spouses on this board, many of them from me.

[Phoebe]

I can tell you that we had our first child 7 weeks ago while my husband is in his 2nd year of a 3 year fellowship. I met my husband at the beginning of his internship year. The last year was comfortable for us with a double income. Our finances have definitely taken a hit since in the last two months and it is stressful. We are also comtemplating me working only part-time. I don't know if we will make enough even with my husband moonlighting to have much money left over after all our bills not including gas money or groceries.



I think it depends on how you and your husband handle stress. Your husband will always have stress from school/work. Do you want to work or be a SAHM? Is money a big issue for you etc. All these factors may affect when you decide to have a child.



In our case, my husband is an anxious person and stresses about work and each month is different because of his workload. He is the one who also stresses most about finances. He accuses me of being a spend thrift when I even buy groceries that we absolutely need. I stress more about the well being of our child and wanting to spend as much time with her as possible. So each of us have different concerns and we are trying to compromise to find the best situation for our family. I don't think we could have prepared more for the birth of our child except maybe to try and save more money before hand.



I would just encourage someone planning to start a family to look at all the outcomes and see how it will affect your lives. I am an inpatient person and really couldn't wait to start a family. It is really wonderful being a parent.



Jennifer

We had our son (the oldest) the year before my husband began med school. Our twins were born right at the end of third year. I am due to deliver in a few weeks during this, his intern year. It is true that there is really no "perfect" time to have a child. I have heard many, many reasonings regarding finances, work situations, living quarters, etc, to NOT have a child but the simple fact is that people who don't have children really don't know what is necessary to raise a healthy, well-adjusted child. I suspect that they (the childless) would be rather surprised at just how little it takes and how resourceful parents can be. It isn't easy - I am DEFINITELY NOT saying that! But, it isn't EVER going to be easy - and it isn't as hard as many imagine it to be (kind of an irony). Anyway, you guys make a decision for yourselves and work out the details after you've decided whether to go ahead and have a child soon. It may seem like a scary way of doing business - jumping off cliffs and trusting you'll land on your feet - but, as someone who seems to do that regularly I can truthfully say it works! Decide if you both emotionally want a child and then after you've made that decision, work out the monetary/time aspects. That's my advice!



Jennifer