Spitting...

Alex has developed an awful habit now when he is angry...he spits in your face!!! This has been going on about a week now, and I am completely at a loss! I have told him no, put him in time-out every time, and it doesn't matter....he doesn't care....

Help me!!!

Kris

Perfect punishment: find what he loves to do more than anything - and take it away when he spits in your face. I know, I'm a mean mommy, but it works!

[DCJenn]

I say spit back at him and he'll quickly discover how unpleasant it is. Of course, if this were a work situation, I'd have a huge Behavior Plan of non-aversive treatment. But if he were my child- I'd do it right back at him. (That's also my same theory on biting by the way!)

Jenn

I also wanted to add (now that I think about it), that this may be a good situation for your husband to have a little sit down with your son and give him a stern talking to about respecting his mother. I have found that on occasion when my son is just out of control that having his dad firmly (and calmly - without me present) explain to him the importance of treating Mommy - and all women, let alone people in general, but especially Mommy - with respect does more than any screaming, punishment, etc in the world.

I agree with Jennifer's approach. The tricky part can be staying on top of what they treasure most. If you take away something they are not so crazy about, the punishment doesn't work. Children do want to please their parents, so it can be tricky. TIme outs are good too, but you need to find a way that it works to make the child feel they are missing out on "life around them". In the beginning you put them in their crib or play pen. But over time, they can either climb out or they don't care. A friend of mine puts her three year old in a high chair (with a safety belt so she can't get out) so she can see the other kids playing, but cannot participate for the duration of the time out. This works only if your child no longer uses the high chair for food and you do not give them anything to eat or play with while in the chair.

The reason I stay away from biting/spitting/hitting back is that it sends the message to your child that "it's OK if mommy hits you under certain circumstances, but it's not OK for you to hit... ever". I think it sets up a double standard that adults and parents do not have to follow the same rules, which over time might lead a child to believe they have fewer rights and are less valued. But I'm paranoid about "wrecking" my children that way. I guess it stems from my vivid and terrifying memories of being hit as a child. It always made me feel worthless and like I was an annoyance in my parents life. I didn't focus on the meaning behind it, which is what most parents want a child to remember. I just remember being terrified and like I didn't want to be me anymore.

Janet

[Meenah]

I have to agree with Janet. Actions must have consequences, and the consequences have to match the age/developmental stage of the child. This works if you are CONSISTENT. It still works for me, and Caroline is 16 years old. Now I take away things like car privileges.
Luanne

hee hee...I had to laugh at the spit back one, Jenn ...though I've definately been tempted, trust me!! It is very frustrating to deal with and I'm not sure of what I can take away from him right now. Often, these episodes are happening away from home, and he is also smacking me in the face if I pick him up to isolate him...and he smacks hard. It is very embarassing, because I find other moms look at me like they are thinking "what's wrong with her"...but it is difficult to discipline in public. This often happens when the older two are at gymnastics, though it has happened at other times. When I'm at home, I put him in our time out chair and try and isolate him from me or the others...which are his favorite toys. But in public...gosh, what do you do? I don't have a toy to take away, and at 2 years old, I don't think he is able to understand having a toy taken away later? is he? I feel like if I remove a priviledge for the next day ie no "Bob the Builder" or "Blue's Clues" that he won't remember the offense or understand the behavior=consequence thing...

How do you guys deal with these kinds of issues when they happen publically?

Kris

Taking away the car...OUCH...see, I'm too big of a wimp to do that, I think....maybe by that time I'll be stronger!

Well Kris, If it is any consolation ... we are going through the same thing with Dallin. I get clobbered too when we try to isolate him so I probably have plenty of nasty looks coming my way. It is really hard to control, especially in public when they are this young.

But, I do agree with having a consequence and with this age, it needs to be immediate. They won't have a clue why they can't watch Blues Clues the next day. I have been able to take Dallin out to the van, on occasion, to sit in time-out in his carseat but that isn't always convenient. How about strapping him into a stroller? or is he too big for that now? I have taken my stroller to soccer games for the sole purpose of strapping him in when he doesn't behave. Then he could be wheeled to a corner to sit when he spits. Of course, you will probably get clobbered trying to put him in the stroller but at least you don't have to try to hold him.

I sure can empathize with you. I love this age but they can sure be challenging!!!

Robin

Oh, he's two?! I thought this was your older son. Well, my little boy, when he was two had this thing with pulling my hair. He did this often - and usually in public. I didn't know what the heck to do until he tried this with my mother. He had a big tantrum at Grandma's and when Grandma bent down to talk to him he grabbed a fistful of hair! I sat there in shock as my mother reached around and pulled his hair right back - and HARD. My son let out a painful yelp and immediately let go. Guess what? He didn't do it ever again! I was truly shocked that my mother did this, but after all, she successfully raised four children (all of whom are fairly well-functioning members of society). In that situation, it did help to give him a taste of his own medicine. I don't know about spitting at a kid, but I don't have any qualms about giving one of my two year old daughters a little pop on the rear if they are doing something completely and utterly out-of-control. My daughter, Zoe, routinely throws a tantrum in the grocery store - like clockwork every time. So, I have two kids sitting in this limousine sized grocery cart, with my little son standing nearby, a cart full of groceries and I am pregnant (read: huge) and what do I do? I simply ignore her. If anyone asks I tell them she is tired and having a bad day and that is the way two year olds act when things just aren't going there way. So, my advice for a two year old is to 1)IGNORE everyone else around you and their reactions (with the exception of if you are in a library, church, or another place requiring quiet I would immediately remove my child from the situation before proceeding to discipline), 2)play it by ear and if it seems like your child needs more than just a sit in the corner, do what is necessary (after all, it's your job), and 3)try to see if there is something that seems to set up that bad situation and attempt to head it off at the pass (ie look for triggers and try to deal with those triggers and that may affect the way your child reacts).

Jennifer

I appreciate everyone's feedback...I'm sorry that I didn't get back to you for a few days.

Things have been much better with him...though I must admit that I didn't handle it the way that I had hoped.....He spit at me in the face when I was getting him out of his car seat and I reflexively struck him...I caught myself mid-stream and I think it really just shocked us both...we both sort of sat there then and just looked at each other. I told him that I was sorry that I hadn't meant to do that but that I was really upset by him spitting in my face...and that is the last time that it happened. I don't generally support the idea of spanking...though I've had the occasional slip....but I have to say that it was effective.

Now that he is calmed down, my almost 7 year old is
the perpetrator Yesterday, we did a clean-up contest...who could put away the most toys in the shortest period of time...and at the end of it all, everyone would get a treat from the $1 store....At any rate, my oldest became convinced that my daughter was cheating....this turned into a fight and he hit her, etc...I sent him to his room and he just went upstairs and threw everything that he could down the stairs

So.....he stayed upstairs in his room all afternoon until we picked up Thomas...then Thomas stood over him while he cleaned it up...and he cried the entire time about how it was "my fault" for creating this "disaster contest"! It took every ounce of restraint that I had yesterday not to just explode!!! But at the end of it all, he came to me and apologized before bed and gave me a big hug and a kiss.....

Kris