New mom needs more sleep.. Can you help?

[Phoebe]

Here are my questions for all moms out there:

1. Out of curiousity....How old were your kids when they first slept through the night?
2. Do you believe in letting your kids cry themselves to sleep?
3. Have you heard of the Ferber method?
4. Did you ever get your newborn on a schedule?
5. Did you use a bedtime routine when they were newborns?

I am finding my husband and I differ on opinions of child rearing already. I thought we had enough discussions about it before having our baby. Of course, we can't expect to agree on everything. He feels it is okay to let our daughter cry herself to sleep at night. He gets frustrated with her being fussy in the evenings due to her fighting sleep. I don't feel good about letting her scream until she falls asleep. I tried it one night and she cried for 21 minutes. That was torture for me. He thinks I am spoiling her by catering to her every need, but she is only 7 weeks old. I think I am just being a mom. I read about this Ferber method that sounds like it may be a compromise between our ideas. I am going to try it tonight. We'll see.

Jennifer

[Meenah]

Hi Jennifer,
My girls were at least 4 or 5 months old before they slept through the night. I breast fed them, so they were usually up every 4 hours. I couldn't let them cry either. I figured as infants, if they were crying they were crying for a reason.They both were sleeping through the night by about 6 months. By through the night I mean from 10 or 11 pm to about 6 or 7am. Now that they are 16 and 18, I would give anything to have those special nighttime moments again!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy this time, it won't last for long.
Luanne

[houseelf]

Jennifer,

My hubby and I went through this too! Before our baby was born I went out and bought all these books on child rearing. It was soooo confusing because no two experts agree on anything. When raising a child is a hypothetical, it is easy to take a hardline stance. After reading the literature, we both definitively decided that we would never have a family bed or allow our child to use a pacifier. In addition, we agreed that occasional spankings could be a useful disciplinary tool.

Then we had the baby! He had a pacifier within one day and slept in our bedroom for the first year of his life. Until he learned to use crying as manipulation, we ALWAYS picked him up. Furthermore, I really can't imagine spanking my child unless it was an extreme situation, like running into the street. (This is especially true since we are desperately trying to teach him to not hit.)

On the other hand, two of my dearest girlfriends in the world swear by putting their newborns on schedules and occasionally letting their babies cry it out. Both of their children seem to be well adjusted, happy toddlers.

Anyway, I can't really explain the academic theories behind our reactions, we just did these things because they seemed natural and they worked within our family. Over the next few weeks, things will sort themselves out for you as well and you will do what feels natural.

Oh yeah, I hate to tell you this, but our baby didn't sleep through the night until he was almost a year old-- when I weaned him and put him in his own bed. Take hope, however, this is the definite exception to the rule.

Good luck and do keep us posted about this wonderful time in your life!

Kelly

Jennifer,

Thomas and I had our differences in this department too, but I have to say (and feel free to disagree with me on this) that I took it upon myself to be the rulemaker in some regards...ie...I refused to do the crying to sleep method and put my foot down about some things...after all, I am the primary care provider for the kids.....I don't know if you feel comfortable with that idea though.

I will say that it was about a year before my kids slept through the night, but I was nursing and so maybe that was the reason.

In any case, I nursed my children to sleep and we did the "rooming in" thing....This minimized the length of time I was awake during the night, and we enjoyed the closeness.

There are so many differing "theories" about parenting and they will vary from parent to parent and pediatrician to pediatrician...all I can say, is go with your gut feeling. You are Avery's mom, her primary caregiver...the one who is getting up to feed her at night, etc....so you get to decide....

Kris

Ummmmm I know that this will sound really awful, but I had to add it. We don't tell our doctor husbands how to do their jobs....most of the time..hehehehe....so....they should also have respect for the decisions that we make regarding parenting.

Yes, I understand that parenting is a two-person deal...but the reality of having a physician husband is that we are the primary caregivers.....

Don't hate me for this response...

PS>..we need to think of a new nickname for you Jenn!!!!

Kris

Quote: My next task is to get my husband to rid of his expectation that I should have dinner ready every night when he gets home. He never thought this way until I was home so much

It must be a conspiracy. My dh's expectations changed after I was at home too. He still doesn't understand why the house isn't in perfect order and I'm always behind on the laundry. The thing is...you're so busy at home with children and their needs that you don't have more time than if you were working.

I misunderstood the whole sleeping thing...I thought your husband was forcing the issue....I guess I didn't read it carefully enough...sorry!!!! Sleeplessness was my biggest issue for the first year of each of my children's lives....it does get better....but it can be pretty rough. 5 hours at a stretch is pretty good though...isn't she just 6 weeks old?

Regarding the 10-1 overtired crying thing....(YIPES!) Have you thought of adjusting her nap time? Maybe a later nap time would help her to go down earlier without being overtired? One of my friends has a child that napped daily from 1-3 until he was in Kindergarten! But that little guy was in bed again by 7.30 or 8 pm.....

I don't know...it is so individual...let us know what happens, and hang in there!!!!! I'm sending lots of mommy sympathy your way!

Kris

[Phoebe]

Kris- Like you, I do what I want because I am the one putting her down and getting up with her at night. Sometimes though I just want to go to bed! Avery is fussy between 10 and 1am because she is overtired and fights sleep. When we know that all her needs are met and you have rocked her etc... you can be at a loss. I am sure all parents have been there.

I am pretty lucky because Avery sleeps 4 to 5 hour blocks at night. It is just hard getting her to sleep initially so we are starting to introduce a nighttime routine.

My next task is to get my husband to rid of his expectation that I should have dinner ready every night when he gets home. He never thought this way until I was home so much. This isn't 1950 is it? I told him that mentality wasn't going to fly with me and he will be making his own dinner every night if he keeps it up!

Jennifer

I feel like a big jerk now, Jenn....sorry!

Kris

[Phoebe]

Kris- Seriously, I wasn't offended or put off by anything you wrote. My husband wasn't forcing the issue of letting her cry he just thinks that I am a little over protective of our baby and have to do something even if she whimpers. I think I usually know what she wants/needs because she normally doesn't get upset unless she is hungry or tired. I think I was second guessing myself from his different ideas of how we should deal with our daughter. I think he is all talk though because he hates to see her cry.

I just didn't want to overstep my bounds...everyone has different ideas on parenting, and at the end of the day, it is such a personal choice...and everyone just does their best....

How is the sleep problem now? Any better?

Kris

[Phoebe]

Actually Kris, I am happy to report that in the last week, Avery has been much better in the evenings and easier to put down to sleep. Maybe I am being more tolerant as well. Who knows.

Jennifer

1. Out of curiousity....How old were your kids when they first slept through the night?

They still don't! Actually, Alex was about nine months old and the girls were about the 4 months old before they could get through an entire night by themselves. I do suspect this has to do with the girls being switched to formula at that time period whereas Alex nursed completely until he was nine months old. But, seriously, I still get up several nights a week because someone (or a few someones) 1)has wet the bed, 2)has had a bad dream, 3)lost their "Pooh" bear, 4)has begun vomiting, etc. Being a parent means many, many interrupted nights for years.

2. Do you believe in letting your kids cry themselves to sleep?

Oooh that's tough. Yes and no. I think there is a better way to go about it than the two sides I have heard (a middle ground). After my experiences I think there is a way to ease a child into sleeping on their own with less pain and tears, but I think it has to start right at birth. I intend to attempt to prove my own little "theory" with my next child (or as I like to call her, my new guinea pig )

3. Have you heard of the Ferber method?

Yup, it's painful and unnecessary I believe.

4. Did you ever get your newborn on a schedule?

A newborn doesn't follow any other schedule than their own biology dictates: eating, sleeping, and pooping. Now, a three month old can start having a "schedule" of sorts but usually that schedule is more of a pattern of biological events that will seem to fall into place (ie the baby will seem to always be hungry at certain times and will start having more regularly "scheduled" bowel movements, etc.). I've seen some poor parents bash their brains in practically trying to organize their tiny babies - and it seems to cause more frustrations for the parents than anything else. Babies have no concept of time - so schedules as such are useless. A better term and approach I'd say is "cycles" - by a few months old a child has some more predictable biological "cycles" that can be somewhat relied upon for YOU to schedule YOUR day around!

5. Did you use a bedtime routine when they were newborns?

Not with my son - big mistake. I did with my daughters after they turned about three months old and I credit that partially with helping them begin sleeping through the night on their own. This next child WILL have a routine we go through at night along with the other kids with the hope that she will eventually pick it up and sleep on her own (sooner rather than later - fingers crossed).

Jennifer