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There have been some comments on various forums here about the specific issues that face male medical spouses, so I wanted to start this forum off with a few of my own observations on the subject. The first topic I came up with is the root of all evil... money.
It may seem like a shallow issue, but all couples have to face money issues. When the situation is so different from the "traditional" concept of the husband/wife dynamic, it can be harder to adjust. No matter how progressive I think I am, society still seems to equate money with masculine power, so it can be hard for even a "sensitive new-age guy" to watch his wife find greater financial success than he does. On the positive side, I find that my wife Lisa tends to be unconcerned about society's stereotypical roles for men and women. And don't get me wrong -- I am the proudest husband on the planet, but I can't deny that it bothers me just a tad to think I'm probably never going to be the major breadwinner in our relationship. I don't know why this bugs me; I'm not a chauvenist and I don't resent that Lisa makes more money than I do, it's just that there is some male instinct in me that wants to be the provider. It's not a serious problem, just a nagging little voice that sometimes pops up in the back of my head, usually when I'm balancing the checkbook.
Now that Lisa is done with residency, she is gradually beginning to make more money. It's still not a lot, but more than she's ever made before. I do graphic design and computer tech support for a small private company, so Lisa has actually made more money than I do for some time, even during residency, but the discrepancy is growing fast now. For one thing, the sagging economy recently forced my employer to cut salaries "temporarily" by 20% in order to stay in business, setting me back to a point where I now make less than I made at a previous job three years ago. Lisa, meanwhile, is now chief resident in her department, and is making about twice what I make. When she's done and goes into practice, she may well double that amount again.
While Lisa is not concerned that I make less money than she does and is quick to reassure me that it doesn't affect her opinion of me as a husband, I know she'd like it if my income was at least a little more substantial. Money is still very tight for us at present, so I often hear her lamenting that we can't afford the things we want. This pulls at my heart and makes me feel like a failure, because I want instinctively (as I suspect many men do) to take care of her and provide for her every need. Instead, she moonlights and makes more in a single night shift than I make on an entire two-week frelance web design project. And then that moonlighting money has to go to pay the bills anyway. We both know that it's her portion of our income that we're mainly living on, and no matter what she says, I secretly wonder if that fact doesn't eat at her just a little bit.
So, does anyone else out there ever deal with these feelings of "financial inadequacy?" Maybe it's just my own feelings of disappointment that I make less than even my male peers (but of course I brought that on myself by getting a Liberal Arts degree). Or maybe there are some male med spouses out there who feel the same way, even though they may be making a good income themselves?
And what about male-male couples? Is there competition there, and/or do any of these feelings ever come into play?
I'm interested in anyone's perspective, and of course female members are welcome to post replies here, too! just because it's the "forum for male med spouses" doesn't mean we aren't interested in a women's take on our issues.
-Chris
Edited by: bisgard at: 8/22/01 10:37:01 am
It may seem like a shallow issue, but all couples have to face money issues. When the situation is so different from the "traditional" concept of the husband/wife dynamic, it can be harder to adjust. No matter how progressive I think I am, society still seems to equate money with masculine power, so it can be hard for even a "sensitive new-age guy" to watch his wife find greater financial success than he does. On the positive side, I find that my wife Lisa tends to be unconcerned about society's stereotypical roles for men and women. And don't get me wrong -- I am the proudest husband on the planet, but I can't deny that it bothers me just a tad to think I'm probably never going to be the major breadwinner in our relationship. I don't know why this bugs me; I'm not a chauvenist and I don't resent that Lisa makes more money than I do, it's just that there is some male instinct in me that wants to be the provider. It's not a serious problem, just a nagging little voice that sometimes pops up in the back of my head, usually when I'm balancing the checkbook.
Now that Lisa is done with residency, she is gradually beginning to make more money. It's still not a lot, but more than she's ever made before. I do graphic design and computer tech support for a small private company, so Lisa has actually made more money than I do for some time, even during residency, but the discrepancy is growing fast now. For one thing, the sagging economy recently forced my employer to cut salaries "temporarily" by 20% in order to stay in business, setting me back to a point where I now make less than I made at a previous job three years ago. Lisa, meanwhile, is now chief resident in her department, and is making about twice what I make. When she's done and goes into practice, she may well double that amount again.
While Lisa is not concerned that I make less money than she does and is quick to reassure me that it doesn't affect her opinion of me as a husband, I know she'd like it if my income was at least a little more substantial. Money is still very tight for us at present, so I often hear her lamenting that we can't afford the things we want. This pulls at my heart and makes me feel like a failure, because I want instinctively (as I suspect many men do) to take care of her and provide for her every need. Instead, she moonlights and makes more in a single night shift than I make on an entire two-week frelance web design project. And then that moonlighting money has to go to pay the bills anyway. We both know that it's her portion of our income that we're mainly living on, and no matter what she says, I secretly wonder if that fact doesn't eat at her just a little bit.
So, does anyone else out there ever deal with these feelings of "financial inadequacy?" Maybe it's just my own feelings of disappointment that I make less than even my male peers (but of course I brought that on myself by getting a Liberal Arts degree). Or maybe there are some male med spouses out there who feel the same way, even though they may be making a good income themselves?
And what about male-male couples? Is there competition there, and/or do any of these feelings ever come into play?
I'm interested in anyone's perspective, and of course female members are welcome to post replies here, too! just because it's the "forum for male med spouses" doesn't mean we aren't interested in a women's take on our issues.
-Chris
Edited by: bisgard at: 8/22/01 10:37:01 am