thank you & now...the distance or not the distance

hi everyone!

only 14 more days of pre-exam nightmares and i will be back to normal! i was up until 4:30am last night working on a paper (by the way, THANK YOU all SO MUCH for your insight into the questions related to medical marriages for my paper - your responses are so great & i am going to use all of them in my paper!! yeah!)



now...i had to post tonight because i am feeling tense about my relationship with my fiance (his name is gray, i feel like i know you all well enough now that you should know this! hee!). he has been on a trauma rotation for the last month and now he is on trauma again this month. i am feeling like a plant that hasn't been watered in weeks. he calls every other night but that is IT. i email him most every day but tonight he told me he got my email. . .and i was like uhhh, and you couldn't reply?! and he goes out to dinner with his friends once a week and i feel jealous of that even though he needs his time out. soooo, basically i would like for him to water me. the phone calls are nice but they just aren't doing the trick right now. it would be amazing to receive a card in the mail. or a small gift. or flowers. or SOMETHING that shows that he is thinking about me besides just SAYING it. what do you suggest i do about this?



(remember we are long-distance right now. i won't be seeing him again until january)



THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!

I've been with my husband for more than 7 years. This was before he was even in medical school. From my experience I would suggest that you, in a way that does not put him on the defensive...



...TELL HIM what you need.



He is busy enough with rotations and reading, far away and probably constantly over tired. Not to mention the fact that he is not a mind reader. If your relationship is going to last in the years to come you have to be open and honest with each other. You have to tell him what you are thinking and what you want.



I've gone the route of playing games, burying my feelings so I didn't burden him only to blow up at him unnecessarily at a later date, or do for him what I wished he would do for me as a hint. But none of that works. You need to have open and honest communication.



In addition, I would suggest continuing to come here and talk to others. The relationship with a medical student, physician-in-training, or physician is like no other. And those outside of the community really can't relate. You cannot compare your relationship to the one's your friend's have with their significant others. If you do you will be sorely dissapointed.



At the same time you need to compromise your expectations. They just don't have the time or energy to do what someone outside the medical profession can do. II've definitely lowered my expectations of what my husband can do for me. I've had to become secure with the idea that he loves me even if he can't tell me on a daily basis or spend time with me to the extend that I would like. But that doesn't mean the relationship can't be as fulfilling. I wouldn't trade my realtionship with my husband for anything.



Hope this helps. Let me know what happens.

Trauma is a tough rotation. Unfortunately, there will be many other tough ones to come. My husband has been working almost every single day for over 6 months now. He has had perhaps 3 days off inbetween his moonlighting and regular work. It has truly been miserable. We have three small children and I am in grad school. I would venture to guess that both my husband and I are feeling like abandoned plants...my advice....turn into a cactus...a beautiful one...one that still requires water and sunlight...but one that is tolerant of drought...



The thing is...we all only have so much that we can give...and I think men are just worse at it than we are. Instead of retreating to the safety and nurturing in a relationship when they are exhausted and stressed they hide in their little caves.....



I will probably get slammed for saying all of this...but I guess I just think that at certain tiems we have to just accept that they are exhausted and stressed...and we have to support them. I don't always abide by this...trust me...I am sure my husband would freely tell you that I never abide by it...but that isn't true either.



It is hard, Claudia...I know what you are going through....I hope this rotation ends soon and that January will be here before you know it!



Sincerely,



Kris